Firstly, I noticed that I really like photography, but I'm not any good.
I don't have an eye for the right motif (let alone lightning or whatever). I never seem to be able to capture the things the way I want them, I never get the angle right.

I guess I need more practice. But I don't often have the opportunity, too.



I had a talk about my problem of the last 2 posts before the last.
It is terrifying.

To think that you are condemned to a fucking stupid life that you hated since the beginning, but you don't dare to make a move and that's even your own fault.
No, it's sad, and I wouldn't want anyone to have to put up with such a prospect.

You constantly try to break out, but only so much, the most important and biggest move, without which everything else is useless, you just can't do.
And so everyday you face the very fate you absolutely fear most, fears of failure all the way and you need to drag along one more burden, which only holds you back... and you are stick with it for th rest of your life?


And then we thought of the friends of that person. Like why?
Obviously they must see the pain? Why do they chose to pretent like everything is rosy? I just can't....
Best friends they call each other, yet this one black cloud nobody wants to see.
Why?


It's so sad.
Although some things I absolutely don't like about this person, I think he is actually a good human. Who doesn't deserve any of this.
If at least his friends were not so ignorant, I don't get what their purpose is.

I refuse to understand it.
Nothing excuses such a situation.



I hope these are my last words about this topic for the time being.
One day I will say it right into his face.

I have done a German blog, but came back to blog some things here.
I wonder if it's my imagination or if my German writing is really disgustingly fake, lame and just wrong.
Or maybe I'm just not used to write German and thus I can't do it.

Writing in English just feels more right for me.



Three songs I really like this moment.

Baby don't cry (人鱼的眼泪)

This one is a pretty old song by EXO-M.
I don't know, but when there are Korean and Chinese versions of songs, I normally prefer the Chinese version.

可惜沒如果

Ok the MV is weird and I haven't really watched it yet, but the song is so cool. I actually never liked a song by JJ Lin, cuz somehow they all sound like the same love-sick shit.
But this one sounds a bit different and the lyrics are the story of my life (a bit).

假如没把一切说破
那一场小风波 将一笑带过

在感情面前 讲什么自我
要得过且过 才好过

全都怪我
不该沉默时沉默 该勇敢时软弱

我還是愛著你

This has been in the charts for forever and I like it from the start, but never really got into listening to it very much. Until now. MP are not really my kind of thing when it comes to there fashion, but I like this song very much..



I like how Cpop is still relatively conservative so you don't get things like idk whatever (some) Americans are doing.
Also most songs stay in the charts for a very long time, which is a further indication for their quality.

I have thought about it (oh really? #bignews)
I definitely am overthinking, but heck, it's me and sometimes good things issue from my overthinking.

Also, me overthinking means, I am prone to read too much into things.
Yes, it's none of my business, but as it seems, it's noone's business, of noone who knows this person. So eat well and live well -
no, I don't mean it like that, just that, apparently this person's intention is to do whatever anyway~

So I decided to forget about all this crap.



On another note, I took this photo a few days ago and I find the editing quite pretty, right?
Just that I have no real outlet for it, except for twitter and my blog, because nobody I really know is following either.

I don't have anyone judging me actually, it's just that I myself find it over-exposed. (I need a tripod)
But one day or another I gonna set it as my cover, because it is pretty, right?

Those black things are not garters, btw. They are the halters of over-the-knees. I got them as a present from American Apparel.
Which is quite cool, cuz I wanted them anyway, BUT in completely nude. Apparently, you can only have so much of God's love.
Months later I realized, those things look like garters man, how am I supposed to wear that thang?
So this picture developped.

Btw Age of Ultron is quite good, I liked it much more than the first Avengers movie (which was quite bad imho).

(Btw as a matter of fact I'm wearing shorts on that pic haha)

可惜沒如果 - 林俊傑

I'm tired and I know I shouldn't be.


I have friend. Or
I don't even know if we are really friends.
We haven't spend much time together, but still - maybe this friendship means something to me?

Or actually maybe it doesn't, but it's just my personal unease.


I'm tired of wanting to help, but not knowing if I'm in any position to interfere and tired of people who play everything is fine, but simultaneously hinting that they have problems.
Like, what do you want man?

I'm so tired of these people; because not being able to voice one's true feelings is for me one of the greatest sufferings.
I'm naturally a person who likes to help others, especially with this kind of problems. I naturally want everyone around me to be happy.
So I'm really so so tired of knowing about their pains, but not being able to help.


I said I know I shouldn't be.
Maybe I'm not their friend and they don't want my help either, maybe I'm imagining all of this.
Maybe I should just straightforward force this friend to speak up. Maybe he'll be offended and wonder about what the fuck I want from them. Maybe they'll think there's more to it (How do you tell someone - who is not your future boss - that you simply like to help other people?).


I'm not stupid (at least I like to think so).
I know that this person has been avoiding me (right?). That's making it extra hard for me to approach him.
Do you know how tired I am of all these thoughts?
I'm super tired.

Maybe this person doesn't even feel like there's need for help. And I'm just overthinking shit.
I am overthinking shit. Always.

Even if he really has a problem, it's none of my business. Right, if I'm being avoided, why should I care, right?


I can't.
If it were anything else, job, debt, parents, I don't know - maybe I'd be able to ignore it, even if it affects the happiness of this person. But everything originated from one's inability to speak the truth is my personal pain.
And I can't avoid it.
I can't.



I wish for two things; that there's a way for me to help to find a solution.
Or that it's nothing.



No, maybe there's one more thing. I wish this person doesn't think of me as what-I-think-he-thinks-of-me.
Quite contrary to many people, I try my best to say what I think, or if it's impossible, to think what I say. But often it's hard to for others to believe in your words.




A part of me thinks about calling it quits.
I don't see any purpose in a relation in which the positions are so unclear or so uncertain for some. This all leads to nowhere.
What are we pretending to have?
If you don't trust me? If I have the feeling that you don't trust me? This is not a friendship. I just know you.

Bluffs.
It's tiring me out, too.
I don't want anything of this.

ah, but this is something I caused myself. And maybe, I'm the one who has to speak up.
Maybe I just sort this out for good.
Maybe all of this is not worth half a thought I just thought.



What do I want man?

No, I'm seriously tired. I am going to watch Avengers - Age of Ultron later this night.
Gotta catch some sleep~