Coffee Shop - BAP

1st Nov, my favourite month has begun!
The whole purpose of this post is to celebrate ㅋㅋㅋhahaha
(Yesterday's cheat day dins in the pic)


I like November because it's damn dark and miserable.
The days become friggin' short, there's frost, fog and that depressing, piercing cold drizzle (I wish, todays was sunny as hell).
It's the long, void month before Christmas season and I guess the last opportunity for people to realize that they are finally stepping into the long, cold winter. It just makes people fall into despair!!


On the other side, I like how the coldness makes the warmth much more precious, giving it a therapeutic and symbolic character, of love, piece and safety.
That's why I love holidays like Hallowe'en or St. Martin's Day, they are all about gathering about light. I dunno, it creates such a cozy feeling.



On a sidenote I especially like early winter times in old England. There's something that fascinates me about the life there back then. I must ellaborate and bore you with this subject one day.



Not to forget, it's my birthday month. I celebrate myself in the midth of the dark hahaha
When I was younger I hated being born in November. It would have felt much more girly-girl-isher and princess-like if I was born in Spring or Summer, right?
I really thought I was at a huge disadvantage for being a boring autumn child and less worthy than my classmates who were borin in April or July ㅋ

Tristesse, Etude in E Major, Op. 10, No. 3 (Chopin) - Eleni Traganas

A New Year's Post after all.
I don't know... I'm actually over New Years, the spirit doesn't move my temper not at all. Is that realistic, killjoy-y, mature, I don't know...

I do know though, that having resolutions for a new year is stupid if you think that's already half of the work. New nothing, my ass.
I have long come to realize that a year was invited by some smart people back then to organize their work - when are the salmon here?, are the buffaloes moving?, sowing seeds now?, it's going be the be warm for the next 3 moons, etc - and to save their souls - winter ghosts, day of Odin, you name it.

Now tell me what this has to do with bettering oneself? Nada.


Still, we can't go from one extreme to the other. So I have rehabilitated New Years as a trivial, but useful event to trigger the High Self.
I mean we all need a turning point, right? If NY has the potential to change who we are, then that's a good thing. I only wish we realized that the rest of the year is actually equally potent.
Well, be that as it may, here are my poor intents for the new year (apart from losing weight and growing boobies, cf last post)

Consciousness

I want to be more aware of what I do, what I eat, what I buy, just how the heck I am passing my time here.
I have been on this trip for some time now, but never carved it in stone. I am just too passive about life and I want to change that, because I realized that being conscious about yourself will enlighten you and help you deal with or prevent problems.
Before improvement or maintenance takes place you have to be aware of your situation first, this is where it all begins. Even if you are living a bad life, if you realize your situation it will help you understand it better and will make you feel more at ease, because you see through what is going on. And even if you chose to stay like that, because you have consciously made a decision and know the consequences.
I find this much more efficient than always groping around in the dark, never realizing that you are just floating through time and space, not more than a plaything of your environment. And efficiency is the the be-all and end-all of my life. I hate things which are not efficient and 100% purposeful, starting from the organisation of your drawer to the choice of your washing machine. Why wasting so much life?

I have been living with this kind of mindset for a long time, but haven't expanded it to all aspects of life.
So for this year I plan to find more about how I spend/ waste my time (I'm really good at that) and try to improve that. Additionally I want to relate my actions more to nature and act more ecological. I am still trying to avoid plastic, but not very successfully...
I also want to eat more consciously, which means I am trying to view low-carb as a way of life, rather than a temporary mean to lose weight.
And I want to shop less, it is getting out of hand. But maybe I have improved a bit.




In relation to that, recently I really fancy books. Not that I really want to read, but somehow, books really fascinate me.
I went to a book store and skipped through the cookbooks (everytime I diet I am hungry for recipes...), to my surprise there was no vegan book which was hipster or stylish enough. Not that I want to be vegan, I couldn't care less about animals or my physical health, but I am somehow interested in what health benefits vegans fondly hope to get. And I might try to go vegan for the Lent fasting period.


Chu, Ailing

1

Artistic pics from last weekend's dinner w A.
No, but could I draw your attention to that un-beautiful wasabi heart?

I have some thoughts about that incident, but first it's story time.

A. had heard of a goodlooking guy doing sushi at that bar, so we went to check him out. (Ok, screw that version, actually he's a buddy of my older bro, so she 'heard' it from me haha).

We entered and had to wait for a bit because there were no free tables, thus we had to slack around at the entrance with drinks.
Then we were guided to our table, which actually was more like a long bench.

The owner of the restaurant asked me to follow her suddenly, I didn't get what was going on, but did as she said. Turns out she just guided me all around the long bench to my seat.
But because my place had an unimpeded view of the bar and aforementioned handsome guy, hereby called S, while the other place was with one's back to it, A wanted to swap places. Which was quite an undertaking.

We ordered our stuff and received this plate which - to our amusement - came with this wasabi heart.
Later we received matcha ice cream for free.

While we were dealing with our generous dessert real quick, cuz it was about time the restaurant closed, the owner approached us and asked where we were from.
When we told her that we were both not locals, she yelled across the restaurant, 'Oh my god, boys, those two beauties not locals lah!!! Oh my god, girls, the guys were eyeing you two forever, wondering where you're from!! They even complain why not sit at the bar!!! Aiyo, I say got place already lucky enough liao! etc etc'
And said boys, i.e. the whole staff were sitting alongside another bench which was facing us from the left~
Imagine this, they were watching us like a movie!!! This has to be next-level embarrassing!! I just put my hair to one side and looked into the other direction /shakes head


Later A. told me sth about a family w a young kid sitting at the bar talking to the sushi guys and looking at us (or so).
Then our waiter came to pick up our plate, turned around to serve us, but stopping midway looking at the place. He turned back to the sushi chefs like 'seriously guys?!', but when those didn't really react, proceded to serve us our food.

HAHAHAHAHA! Isn't that hilarious!!! I'm still lmfao-ing when I imagine those stupid guys kneading the fucking wasabi into a heart and the waiter's reaction!! Bwahahaha

Anyway the family was also observing our reaction and smiled at my friend when they saw that she saw the heart!!!

Actually a quite funny story right?
But when I think back I have a bad feeling about the heart-shaped wasabi....

It was the first thing I noticed on the plate, different from my friend who said that she didn't notice it at all.

Now this really bothers me. Because I kinda have the feeling that it was the first thing I spotted, because somehow somewhere I expected it(?!)
And how conceited would that fucking be?!
It's disgusting!!!!

I don't even think I am pretty! I can be pretty during 1 out of 100.000 seconds and that's it!!! But most of the time I'm quite ugly even...


Also for my friend it was quite a big deal and we discussed the heart for quite a while, but had it been just me, or me dining with myself I wouldn't have given the heart any thoughts at all I think, because, I'm kinda used to those sort of happenings!!!
Getting stuffs on the house, one sushi roll more than usual, sushi in a heart shape, or even just a mischievous wink from the chef - that's kinda the same for me

Which is also dam conceited!!!!
For one it makes you feel special, but I also think it's not uncommon, especially for sushi chefs to deliver 'secret' messages with their sushi art, right?


But how arrogant does it make you if you take such things for granted... or rather find them so normal you don't really take notice of them at all?!


I don't want to be a bitch who thinks she deserves to be treated like that!!!!
And I don't, god forbid, I don't ever!!!!


But I think it's also kind of an automatic protective mechanism of my psyche, cuz if I cared too much about such compliments, I'd go insane, cuz I'd feel incredibly uncomfortable (I hate compliments, which is the subject of another of my countless self-absorbed blog posts).
So maybe it's that?


It's still stupid, but at least it doesn't make me a loathsome person!!
I hate arrogance (except it's some tsundere ikemen haha)


HiAaZz... to even feel that those things are somewhat 'normal'.. As I said, I am not pretty, but admittedly, those things kind of happen 'often' to me.
Which I wouldn't dare to say so myself, but on that night, my friend said, 'Those things only happen to me when I'm with you!' (which is seldom enough)....
But since I'm not pretty, I think there's an 'attention-seeking way' about my demeanour... which I swear by god is never my intention!!!!

I think it's because I feel kinda insecure, especially when I'm in an unfamiliar environment, I want to appear confident and kinda make a big fuss out of my appearance (not with big actions, but in every small action I kinda put that extra bit of in-whatever-way-ever-so-slightly-unconscious-attention-seeking-something, that will catch people's eye ._.).
And - btw men tend to easily confuse a conspicuous woman with a pretty one.... Men are so so dumb~ Let's say a super tasteless dressed woman with bright sparkly orange-purple snakeskin top, short, tight jeans skirt and slut heels is at a club, among normally sexy dressed girls, men will all swoon over the bitch with the lapse of taste, despite her ugliness and despite all other girls being (1000 times more) pretty!!!

So yeah, men confuse that in my case I think.... But it's all... like every other thing only a theory out of 1.000.000.
But that sounds really plausible to me now that I think about it....



That's it!
Please excuse the really LQ ugly pics, I forgot my cam and took those w my phone, which takes lousy pics when exposure is bad.
Chu, Ailing

Wao lao! The title so drama one!
Just a quickie before I off to school!!! (OTL)

My entries get more and more self-obsessed... But that's exactly the point isn't it? (omg what's w this friggin point...)


Anw, ytd night I have been thinking about one of the many points which don't make me very feminine (aka shu nu!).
For one my annoying deep and loud voice and the many un-nice terms I knock out every two FUCK.


Then, different from my girl friends, I don't easily cry.
I actually never cry.

Who of my friends saw me cry? (Actually all, since I don't have many, but yeah... they have been with me for 10+ yrs, soo)

But how often? ONCE
(if you don't count A. who knows me as a malicious, spoiled brat who cried every day at least thrice)


But I'm talking crying about sad or scary thing?!
No, Sir, not me.
(I did tear up/ half cry during Troy and I'm still on the verge of tearing up (only!) whenever Priam goes to seek Achilles)

Here are the two occasions on which I cried publicly:

The 5 of us were staying in a dance camp at that time. (long time ago).
We actually lived in a apartment kind of place, with 3 bedrooms.
I and a friend stayed together, then well, Cy and another friend T., and one of our friend stayed alone.

Cy somehow didn't like to stay w T that one night and wanted to stay w me. So in the evening everyone kinda gathered at my room, except for T.
She was kind of angry or so and I don't remember what she did.

We talked random crap for a very long time when we noticed that T had been in the bathroom for quite a while and flushing water.
We asked her what she was doing I think, but she didn't really reply or so, just asking us to leave her alone, or said nothing... idk sth like that.
(I guess we might have been loudly whispering about what she was doing)
After more time passed and she was still in the bathroom we started to worry and asked her to come out, which she refused to do.
But she would laugh madly. Like really crazy. The crazy witches in the movies cannot quite laugh as mad as she did.

I started to panick and told everyone if they had noticed that in the last days her laughter had change, from normal to gradually getting more and more maniac. (That is true!)
The others agreed and I (being a stupid pre-teen) started to say that maybe she was changing into a witch. That in reality she was sth evil or so (siao I know, forgive me!)

The other girls also started to panic and one of us cried. We told her not to cry and that there must be sth very normal going on. After a while she calmed down.
But T was still in the bathroom acting weird. And we worried a lot.
Somehow another of us cried. We all pacified her while demanding her to come out.
Again the second friend stopped to cry and we all kinda continued with our girl's talk, while still being very confused about T.

Finally the 3rd friend cried (Note: I was nowhere near crying, though scared nonetheless. But I just don't feel any 'reason' any 'urge' to cry. Like ok, I'm scared, but cry? Far away from crying! While all my friends cried already!!).
I think we all told T. sth like, 'T. come out! We are all v scared of your behaviour! Look, Cy is crying!!' But T. wouldn't listen.

Then suddenly she jumped into out room, her face distorted, screaming!!!!

We freaked out like mad, ran out to find the older girls, yelling and trying to explain to them what happend all at the same time.
Finally our dance teacher came to find T.

She told us that T. was crying and that we should all go to bed.
We went back to our dorms. But still gathered at my room.

Now, suddenly when everything was over. I kinda break down and cry! DAFUQ?!
Very siao right? Suddenly cry cause of nothing.... Tsk.. Drama much...

The 2nd time was only recently (thus this blog entry). God, before I didn't cry in like 10 years or so!!!
So we were saying goodbye at the airport.
My friend, A was already very near crying as we drove there, telling me that she had a lump in her throat.

Ok, I felt nothing. I know I wouldn't cry, just like when you want to buy bread and why should you cry?
I know this was goodbye, that we had a wonderful time, that I will miss my friend and like them very much and yeah... facts. Like, heck facts, nothing else....
Ok, wait I felt terrible. But really ok, mentally yes, but also and more present - physical pain. Like sick and cannot breath (I have breathing problems during sensitive moments)
But hell, no crying, feel nothing near to crying.

My friend started to silently cry into her hoodie. She buried her face in it and we just knew she was crying. The others were comforting her. I felt nothing. Really.
Ok, A got a grip and she said to me, 'Ok, let's go'.

That kind of triggered it but, no! Not yet!
Someone made a joke, I half laughed half cried. I think if anyone noticed the half crying part at the moment, they must think I totally crazy already.
I had to make the laugh kinda loud and hysteric to literally laugh down the crying.

Bla bla a few minutes later she said it again 'Let's go! (and as I'm writing this I'm feeling the pain... eargh)
This time, although I wanted to silently cry like A. I totally couldn't!!
Do you know it when you start to cry you and you have no air inside your lungs (breathing problems) you have to take a deep breath otherwise you idk... suffocate?
I guess this doesn't make any sense, so I just had to breath in. But couldn't do so quietly, since I needed so much air to breath in and I had to cry haha
So finally I breathed in, it fucking sounded very dramatic I guess and then it was too late and I was sobbing my heart out hahahaha

Like I was not tearing or crying I was weeping somewhat loudly.
Until I calmed down then when we really left I burst out again. Very short only.

This makes me wonder about how easily and how often people cry.
I certainly don't cry often when sad.

I rather cry when I'm angry. When I'm angry I'm bursting out with tears any time (I actually 'cried' only a few days before cause of my very charming parents messaging me with fucking tasks while I'm on the other side of the globe. But that I can do silently!
During times when I fight often with other people I also 'cry' very often. Not because I especially sad or so, I just can't stop it.


On the other hand, I guess when people cry while fighting it is also some kind of sadness?
Sadness that the other party doesn't understand you, or doesn't want to understand you, that they treat you unfair and don't care for you at all. That you can't make them understand!
Something like that...


Oh I suddenly remember, actually I started to think about 'crying' when I watched Jessica and Krystal's reality show and Jessica said that both of them don't cry when sad, but only when angry...
Ok, that's it.
Chu, Ailing

The recent entries are all fucking boring (as opposed to the non-recent ones I like to think). So I don't know why anyone should read.

As one who reads must have noticed though, I am reading through Xiaxue's archives.
Fucking good stuff. I won't repeat myself.


And it's so funny that I can relate to so much stuff.
I don't know.

She and her life are so different from me but then again so many similarities, she could be my soul-cousin (lol.. soul-sister can't cuz really have some huge differences).



Anw, yesterday I wrote about some very random entry where she mentioned she was taking bus 176.
Do you know these moments when a certain really trivial something triggers the memory of a whole atmosphere, a distinct feeling back to your life?

The word bus 176 was such a something. Immediately I remembered my bus rides in Singapore and with that memory some more details which I haven't realized and only see now.

I miss Singaporean buses. (this is he 3rd time I'm saying it). Yes the fucking buses.
I miss waiting for them to come without knowing if and when they are going to arrive.
I miss the timetables which I can't and couldn't bother to understand (thus I don't know when they arrive).
I miss the old-fashioned interior, the seats.
I miss sitting there, chilling on the seats, not knowing where we are fucking headed to, just driving forever through half of Singapore.
Not giving a slight fuck about anything.
No worries until we finally arrive.*

*Note: I was so clueless because friends had the pleasure of racking their brains organizing our transport hahaha
Ok, I might just miss being a careless bitch



Oh yeah and then another thing from her blog:

Typical conversation

Beautiful Saturday afternoon, three recruits with 2 or 3 girls in an outing with them.

A: Hey, Pegasus' bunk there got green fungus growing on the edge of the door or not?

B: Siao! Cheebye! (dont know why recruits love vulgarities. Nearby, a girl grimaces as her privates [parts, not the rank] get mentioned but B ignores her) of course have lah! The fungi grow like fungi like that. Don't know why the door's edge everytime got fungi.

C: Chun boh? My officer kao peh so much, make us do pumping. Down 1,000, siao, think we super hero. After that must do 65 click somemore.

A: Is it! Then I lucky la, mine only make us do burpees.

Girl A, B, C: BURPEES!?

All guys: *ignore* *gives each other "They don't know one lah" look*

Ok I don't know any guys who stay in camp.. Ok I do know, but we don't talk about camp.
Which is not the point.

The point is (omg the point, my blog only revolves around the point wtf), everyone (girl) will know this situation where boys act like they are almighty because they are talking about something which girls don't know one la.

And I hate that situation! Why must act like that...
There are girl topics that boys don't have any clue of either. What's a highligher/ blending/ etc brush?
Downward facing dog? Urban Decay Naked palette? (so much make-up...)


But we aren't deliberately discussing such things with people around who would have no idea what we are talking about right?
Which brings me back to the point that guys and girls are different after all.

Also it's cooler to be a guy. You (can) act like that.
That's why I find that girls should definitely grow up with a brother (and vice versa I guess).
It's really practical to be a guy, you learn about a lot more useful things in life; jailbreak, torrents, file sharing, fixing computer, ad block, cars (ok, not cars, but imagine we would, we'd be much more confident dealing with cars), idk...

So yeah I'm grateful I didn't grow up as a girly girl.


Back to the point which was that guys feel very superior when they can treat girls like we are very blur...
There exist girls who find that equally amusing I guess, like shu nus?
They like to be in that weaker position so they would please the guys by confirming their lower rank.

What? I have never been and don't want to be that kind of girl.
I never play along (ok maybe at times, but never the most entertaining way for the guys which I guess would be something like nagging the dudes to explain or over-enthusiastically discussing with the girls what burpees could be wtf), if the guys think they can act cool, I can do that, too... Ignore.


Which doesn't earn me many brownie points (boys are dumb - I'm contradicting myself I know), and therefore the silly shu nus will earn more /rolls eyes
Seriously, for fuck?!


I hate pretentious demeanour, I don't see why anyone has to act like sth they aren't to kiss sb's ass!

I will never play along, you can jolly well play that stupid game among yourself.
Like I have nothing better to do.


Fuck shu nus, why can anyone be so cheap?!
Urrggh! I hate cheap, stupid and weak people the most!


Even if that means all guys will hate me I will never fucking act like I'm damn cute, very helpless or dumb or any damsel-in-distress-way so the guy will feel very shiok and mighty and hit on me.
Just fuck someone else, thanks!


Chu, Ailing

I have kind of a new obsession (not that new since it developed over the years, but yeah... 'new').
If anyone waited for the sequel of the previous blog post... Sorry.
I just can't be arsed to blog about it, because it's too long. And thus too annoying to try to think about which parts should be left out.



So my newest obsession is... treating my body well.
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ That's sounds wrong.

But anyway...

I guess for most of us we don't naturally grow up treating our bodies well.
I mean, we mostly grow up with very functioning bodies that do everything we went without getting tired so why should we worry?

Only through the years does our body become stupid. Stupid as in... crooked teeth? Neurodermatitis? Pimples? Cellulite? Obesity? 10000s of problems...


Of course none of these kill us and we grew up not giving a fuck so we bear with all these.


Well, not anymore.
At least me.



Thanks to my mother who forced me to get my teeth fixed. The 2nd time.
Only afterwards did I acquire the hatred for my less-perfect-before-teeth so that now I can appreciate more-perfect-after-teeth.
Same story with my complexion. Ok it got really worse and I'd have probably gone to see a doctor on my own, but now that it's much much better again I am so grateful in hindsight and wouldn't want to live with all those pimples from my past.

It is funny how present problems don't seem to suck as much. But when you later look back at them or see people who are having the same troubles but are equally indifferent towards them as you used to be you can't understand their behaviour for the life of you.
I think that's a good example for human haughtiness... (but that's another point).



Anyway so these two things then finally showed me that I should tackle everything that I now feel slightly irritate me, because I will only know how much better it feels afterwards.


Right now I'm getting 3 warts removed (oh just stop reading you haha).
I've had them for years. I don't know how many. On the sole of my feet.

Now they don't hurt (yet), but they always made me feel so conscious about my feet when everyone else has tender baby feet.

And btw plantar warts can be really dangerous when they grow deep enough to reach your bones you probably won't ever get rid of them and it will hurt like mad.
But you can try to cut them out which will cause you to loose a shitload of blood, die half-a-very-painful-dead and have them come back, more painful than ever.
Luckily mine don't seem that deep yet. I tried to freeze them once, but it didn't work.
So I went to get it done professionally.

They use cold nitrogen to spray onto your wart and it's somewhat painful after all.
In the beginning it's just cold, after a few seconds you feel a sharp stinging pain like needles would poke into your feet.
Luckily the treatment only lasts half a minute or so and soon after that it's ok-ish to walk again.


Now, I'm just hoping for the darn things to fall off.....



But then my feet also have some calluses which I want to get rid off.
I blame my too small feet compared to my body height for causing those. And my parents for making me walk to school for a week when I was younger (during that week I got those calluses, I remember til now). Oh and maybe dancing... ㅋㅋ



What I'm saying is, if there's anything about your body which bothers you in the slightest, do something about it.
Remove that mole, cut out that weir bump right above your eye.. Whatever. Do it.
And thank me later ㅋ


Chu, Ailing

I Can't - 2PM

xx's blog is/was freaking amazing! I feel v inspired to also blog about whatever I have in mind.
So now at 2am I'm half lying in my bed, laptop on my belly!

And a spider had to rope down just in front of my screen. Why do insect have this fucking retarded talent of always appearing right in front of your face at the most stupid times?

Do they want to get killed so badly?

And why is it so fucking irritating to get rid of spiders and their stupid webs/ threads?
I moved my laptop to the left hoping it would take the spider with it and tear up the fucking thread it used to come down with.
Of course it didn't work. As I moved my laptop back the spider was still there trying to get up. I tried it again with no success...


Absolutely irritated I actually got up, switched on the light and searched for my still sealed ELLE to try to get rid of the spider (by flinging it away), then OF COURSE it was nowhere to be found.

FUCK INSECTS! If I could I would make them all stop existing and I fuck care for any environmental damage!!
Even butterflies can go kiss my ass..... ALL SHOULD DIE!!!




But that was not what I wanted to write about.

I know I have mentioned several times that I can't stand being complimented on.
I know many people have this kind of problem, but for me it is kind of worse than I don't know what to say/ how to react/ don't think it was meant sincere/ am not worthy.
I guess I'm really overreacting (on the inside). Recently I again realized how ridiculous and also stupid I am.
I know all of these posts (and tweets) sound like humble-bragging, but I am really not...
Well read and you will see...

A few days ago I tried on this cool coat while I was shopping with my mother.
The coat was slim fit and kinda snug so it did enhance a skinnier body, of course I am aware of the fact that it did look not bad on me (but not extraordinary good either, especially cuz the shoulders were too wide)...

So this staff member was coming along the way and exclaimed, 'WOAH!', before he could think.
Then seeing my or better my mothers reaction (as I immediately backed away) apologized, 'Sorry, I didn't say anything, but it looks really good'

My mother saved the whole situation by having some small talk about fashion with that dude while I acted like he was air.
At that moment I did not think about how my behaviour looked like for others, I actually just wanted to act like nothing happened, like I didn't notice what had happened and what's going on now while I just prayed that the guy would move on so the whole situation would be over.

Only when he left could I return to normal.
Now when I think back, I think my behaviour or attitude looked like I was being terribly arrogant to the point that I don't want to talk with small fries who can do nothing but admire me. (If you know any freakish anime character like that, I might seem exact the same...)

Kinda like 'Ahh! I know that I am amazing, tell me something new you midget'


Yes that sounds arrogant, but it's totally not the image I want to convey... but when I recap the whole scene it could only seem like that, because I couldn't have possibly not notice that dude yelling 'woah!' across the whole room and his convo with my mother who stood right next to me ('the coat looks really classy! I like this kind of fashion blabla')



The thing is I am always acting like that when confronted with praises!
I try to act like nothing happened, long for the moment the person goes back to what they did, because I wish that nothing had happened!!!


I want to be honest and not leave anything out; of course I get a boost of happiness hormones when I learn that someone find sth good/ pretty about or on me.
How can I not?

But it is purely the information that delectates me, the whole act of complimenting is such a pain, if not a torture!
I guess it's a feeling of extreme embarrassment? I don't even know during those seconds my brain totally stops working!

Which is literally what happens: There are times when I don't even hear the compliment (if it really is one) because once I realize where the statement leaving the talkers mouth is going to, my brain just shuts down. I can't think anything at all, except, 'let this be over'. And I don't hear the rest of the sentence!!
That leads to really awkward situations, because when they finish, I don't know what the person has talked about!
I can't say 'sorry? come again?', too, cuz imagine it was a friggin compliment how self-absorbed would that sound like haha

I don't remember any specific event that happened except one time, when I ended up saying 'err.. okay'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The guy and the person with him look absolutely puzzled and left.
OMG what had I done haha
BUT I couldn't say 'thank you' right? In case it wasn't a compliment, so the most neutral answer really is 'okay'.
I mean 'They weather is really nice tonight isn't it?' - 'err.. okay'
'Are you free tonight?' - 'err.. okay'
'I hate foreigners' - 'err.. okay'
'Do you know how to get to the next gas station?' - 'err.. okay'


Err.. okay it is really not the best answer hahaha I couldn't really help it, I think the one thing you can reply to anything is 'who cares' hahaha

(If you are wondering if my reaction(actually non-reaction) was correct according to my brain's weird thinking pattern or if I'm just a narcissistic bitch, thinking any stranger who approaches me must want to get a love confession off their chest, the convo started like this (at least this is what I can still remember) 'Can I tell you sth?' - 'yes?' - 'you have the most beautiful......' ... I admit I'm kind of deaf at times so maybe he said sth completely different like 'You so ugly yo mama......' Really I don't intend to humble brag haha)



Gah! I don't really want to change that, as I don't want to become one of those people who take compliments for granted, I just wish there was a way to end those situations immediately!

I wonder if there are many people who have similar problems? Let's google....


Ok, I either don't know how to google or there really isn't any more popular discussion about this sort of problem...


Anw, one last disclaimer, I don't react like that always!
When my friends praise me I can of course react accordingly and brush it down or whatever (Gosh I wish I had your hair - Do you know how much I lose when I shower? You wouldn't want to know me any longer... /no humble brag)
Or when family members praise me I will normally act cute (if we are not that close)

But even when people I just know or am just a bit friends with praise me, I will answer with a kind of fake and patronizing curt 'thank you' (or even 'okay'). Which doesn't feel honest or appreciating at all (at least for me) and thus will also disappoint the other I think).


There's really nothing relevant on google... Most people want to know if other also downplay the compliment or can't accept it because of low self-esteem and want to avoid ever meeting those persons again, because they are afraid they might fail them....
I don't have such problems at all.....


Most people who compliment me are strangers (not saying that I get compliments all the time again, no humble brag) so I probably won't meet them again anyway... And even if it is sb that I probably meet again, let's say a shop owner... I'm so sure that I won't live up to any standard I set on that 1st encounter that I couldn't care less....
And really if it's only a short 'See you again, pretty!' (argh no humble brag!) I can live with that since it's a 1 second thing and I wouldn't care about meeting them again too, since I don't care about expectations....

But let's say I had to meet that dude from the shop I bought the coat again.... I'd try to hide behind hanging rails and mannequins... Not because of the expectation mind you, but because the sole memory of that event is stressing me out ridiculously, and I wouldn't want to risk anything like that again.....



So yes I am ridiculous. And I don't know what to think of my behaviour disorder at all haha



In case you are wondering, yes that's my paw in the pictures~
Because, I didn't say that I am not narcissistic either, didn't I? Actually the colours on my nails and of the flowers were just matchy matchy...

If you can't appreciate the art because it's too self-absorbed then maybe the fact that I held the super heavy DSLR with one hand for like half an hour will win you over!
And yes the poses are all nearly the same... But it is very difficult to pose with anything so that your nails wills show haha
Oh yes, the nail colour is Essie Cute As A Button that I luckily got along with a fashion magazine that I never paid for haha.

Chu, Ailing

大悲咒 - 黃慧音

Kiki

Yet again. Is anyone sick of this? I sure am.
There are so many things I want to write about, but mostly I can't find more than 2 or 3 sentences before I run out of words to say (i.e. expressive power in general). In case you haven't guessed already: This makes it very hard to blog.
That is why I shall resign myself to jot down these few lines to enter history (world history).

I wonder if I have gotten any dumber or just am not as smart as I thought I am to begin with; I could write whole essays about waste seperation in Detroit or the reason why Pauline feels insecure about meeting her mother if that was asked in any test (and get 10 out of 10 /cough) but when it comes to anything related to this space nothing is good enough. I hate whatever writing style exists or inexists here.
Furthermore I just can't make any point, even (or maybe exactly because) if I wanted to talk about personal junk. I might have diminished for real though. I don't know what this is, but it's really disheartening.

Moreover I somehow can't even find topics. I try to view this as a personal diary. A something I (physically) had since age 8. I know what it's like to dear diary, and this isn't it. Not the right subjects, not the amount of openness, not the degree of honesty,
What could be the reason? For one I guess it's because I have too many inspirations. Writing styles that I'd like to try out for myself. It makes everything not so me (I wouldn't say fake though) and thus harder to express myself. Also, there are some aesthetic layout matters that limit my writing. Then my heart might not really be in it. No time, no passion, yes laziness.

For fuck's sake I'm not even sure if I want it. (I don't even know what I want in general) Do you see this? This is the non-art of making no point.
Ermm... yeah


I should definitely decide what I want this place to be.
I want this to be a fashion thing.
I want this to grow some dough.
I want this to be a lifestyle thing.
I want this to be me.



I reckon my most important concern is the last bit. I value individuality the most. But I have lost myself out there between amazing blogs, high standards and yeah just losing it in general.
And I shall not tolerate this no more.

Were I so self-assured I would commence following era with the infamous From now on... but everything is ever so fleeting for me at the moment. What stays is this nothing. And nothing can be really hard to endure.
So hence there are other big words of same vacuous bore I'm making do with I'm not a man of big words.

Dear Diary

How long has it been since I lastly had the leisure to write into you let alone looking myself in the eye?

Admitting weakness is something I have yet to learn and the struggle is real. Oh and procrastination. I don't know at what I'm lacking more. Not that it really mattered, both are drowning me equally.
I have been thinking a lot and coming to no conclusion recently.

What I fear most, more than failure or anything, is never making a choice. Never.

Doubt has killed more dreams
than failure ever will

Let's add procrastination in my case. Blogging, thinking, philosophizing what good comes from it. Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it. Sauté it. WHATEVER. Do it.
Sometimes I wish I'd rather be a lifeless piece of meat than undergoing all this.

I just can't, can I?
I know what to do actually. I'm adding fear and/or cravenness.

Oh almighty whoever out there (or 6D being I'm not picky) can't you just snap with your fingers and get me a life-changing kick in the butt (one of the sort that transforms me into a better human without a preceding experience)? Am I asking for too much? (Make it a lottery win then)
Oh, I end it here!

Chu, Ailing

Blogging this in my bed at 3 am on my phone while semi-watching Robocop. I was never interested in it really. Technical powers or cyborgs are not 100% my thing. I like more the real superpowers kind of things, like Superman Haha. Ok bullshit I also like Batman to death, but he is no cyborg...

But that's not the reason why I'm bothering to execute some poetry on touch screen (I still hate it, future my ass~). 

I wouldn't say that I am the most thoughtless of my kind (21st century teen).

I would even go as far as to say that I think quite a lot compared to some. Not always.

But often, for a few minutes throughout the day.

I can't say whether I think more about myself or general social things.

What I can say is I think about myself quite often. Often enough that I thought I knew everything about myself.

Basically there's not much to know, if you wanted to keep things simple: I am deep.

I thought I understood myself thoroughly, that I had analysed what can be analysed.

But such is life, the universe and everything that although you can grasp somethings and even understand somehow what you don't know yet, suddenly you learn of the existence of a new dimension, something beyond imagination that just makes clear how limited our thinking is.

I thought I knew everything about myself.
But today I realized a part about myself that I long knew about but never saw it as clear

To say that I am social cripple would be extremely exaggerated, but let's you guess what I want to hint at.

I didn't grew up around too many people and additionally never longed for much company.
My thoughts were enough entertainment for me.

That and the fact that I am very independent or strong made me a person who sort of puts herself always after others. Not in a philanthropic way.
But I observe others, react according to situations, never putting myself in the position of an individual personality.

Counselor Troy puts it into more fitting words: My own feelings are beside the point.

I really unconsciously partly saw myself as someone who existed for others.

This might sound overly dramatic but it is not meant as such. I do have a very strong personality, just that it isn't relevant at times. That I don't need to carry it through all the time.

Only just now did I realized that actually I have a social personality at all!
Which quite shocks me, I see that as a weakness. That other's deeds have meaning to me.
As I said I know me as a strong being, without flaws of that kind.

But as I am more and more entering the actual world outside my childhood I am forced to bring out some socially really meaningful behaviour to protect my interests.

Not that I haven't done so before, that I haven't been annoyed, upset or irritated by others. But never in a socially conflicting way.

Because I grew up somewhat isolated my people skills are not that greatly trained. Until now I could avoid more complicated social situations easily.
Not so now.

When earlier I discovered my interpersonal identity I was very astonished and now I'm thinking about how hard it is for me to realize it during daily affairs.

To put it simple, I don't know.
I don't know how to let others know that there doings clash with my personal opinion of how one should behave.
A sarcastic remark?
A snot-nosed answer?
A serious conversation?
Nothing?

I can easily put my own demands behind as I am used to, but time after time I get annoyed.

I am really not a person to let loose some double talk or any ambiguous yadda.

I don't see it as a effective way to settle conflicts, if anything it annoyed me when people resorted such means to express their anger.

But now I see it as a good way to hint at an dissent when you have not guts too directly voice them.

It is hard for me as I never did it before due to all said reasons, but I did it today.

I have ranted and bitched about this topic before on my twitter. And am not too sure if I should re-tell it here where involved persons could read it.

It is hard to have a blog.

Too put it very simply and non-dramatic, here a version without all the depth:

I can't stand the fact that this guy hangs out at our place as often and long as he does and that he eats our/ my food. (Not sure about the food part, I am not one of those jealous-eaters. Really makes me wonder, maybe because I can't stand him in general?)

So earlier they cooked at the kitchen, after my room mate tell me she'd cook for 'us' (?).
I was really annoyed later upon not being invited, by both of their audacity and when finally going to empty my bladder I dropped a casual, but quite obvious 'Well, how is it?'
Received a 'good' and then 'do you also want something' (I don't remember that people actually get invited to eat their own food...) which I ignored, because I hadn't planned to say anything else (Haha).
When I went back to my room I closed the door somewhat louder than necessary (my door closes quite loud anyway). I heard another 'you can also have something. it's still warm' which I countered with 'oh really?'.
And that's it. He left earlier than on other times at 11+ pm. Might or might not be because of my reaction. But he also didn't say goodbye...

I'm a person who hates to jump to conclusions, so I'm constantly asking myself if my reaction was justified? And if it's not should it be? And if it is, shouldn't it be?

I think the food part really wouldn't piss me off that much if it weren't for one certain incident and if he didn't came over as often. So that aside, do I have the right to be angry about someone who stays over too often and too long?
There exist no classical, stereotypical case yet, unfortunately. If he were one of those freeloader friends who permanently moves in at other people's place without returning the favour that would be something else. Everybody knows of such cases or can easily imagine how burdening that would be.

In my case the guy does ridiculous favours for my friend so it is hard to grant him a few visits... and food (will talk about that later).
But is it right of him to come to another's place like once a week, staying until 9pm, 11pm, 2am? (Note: I really want to be objective)

I know that i.e. Penny stays at Leonard and Sheldon's place very often, but either both seem to like her or at least Sheldon finds it annoying from time to time. Either case would be in my favour, case 1) well, I don't like him, so pfff and case 2) seeeee?


From his point of view, I don't think it's right to hang out at other's place as often, you could call it freeloader already. Say you often stay at a girl's place you like and try to win her heart, ok. It is still insolent, but at least you pursue a goal. In our case, my friend has officially friend-zoned him to the end of time and he has -300% of ever dating her.
So what the fuck does he want?
Except for using every opportunity to enjoy her company, which is a fuck of a reason to bother other's at the same time. I can say with a certain safeness that if he were a tactful, considerate, (self-)conscious, well-educated person he wouldn't do it.



And from the side of my friend who seems to invite him over 70% of all the time they talk? I try to understand if maybe THAT is right.
Do kids invite friends over every week? Well, yes maybe their best friends. Should they do it? No, they should go to each other's places in turn.

Every parent would start to get annoyed if other parents nonchalantly let their kids stay elsewhere all the time, eat food elsewhere, let others do the job of caring about them - without giving a proper reason, like being poor so they have to work often, having no time or opportunity to take care of their own kids, etc or if the other parents really like the foreign kids (which I think can also only be the case, if they partly pity them, due to their parents... ).
So, to conclude all those theoretical thinking, NO this guy has double no rights to come over or be invited, and anyway, we aren't freaking kids anymore who need a play partner. So, I don't see why his often residence in our house is necessary.

From an adult's point of view?
Well you shouldn't neglect your social contacts and seeing a friend once a week sounds like a scientifically determined minimum of time one should meet friends.

I don't see any general problems if my friend had her one place.

But here I am, living in the same apartment and while it is expected of me to give no fucks about whether my roommate has guests or not, since we are living in this difficult, exceptional situation, it could occur to both of them that I still feel somehow constrained with a stranger in my place so often.
I don't mean to be a crybaby, and once a week sounds not that often, but well, I might be over-sensitive or not - I AM annoyed, can't help it. And that's because I feel it's too often. I think there has been weeks were he stayed over twice, soo.....



On to the food part.

I recently found this meme on 9gag


source

WTF!!
I swear it's partly because I am Asian, but my roommate also once fed him the food my hyung cooked for me! I don't mean to be anything like nasty, but why should I spare s.o. who does wrong when he's not even reading my blog? haha

So not only that it was MY FUCKING FOOD also my hyung cooked it for me!!

How can I tell him that another person ate it? And that another person offered him to eat it? Since he - wait for it - cooked it FOR ME, at least I myself should offer it to others if anything, right? 

I was raging like mad back then.

No wonder, I am displeased if he eats our food. Not that he doesn't do it all the time, he almost never does it I think. But still, he's already out of favours with me, so whenever he eats I think, 'It is my money that you are eating and I don't remember giving you my friggin' money to eat!!!!'
So back to the story, can you actually believe that they cooked my (read partly my) food, consume it in my presence without calling me to join them?! What unheard-of crap is this?!
If she had bought it specially because she wanted to invite him over for dinner.... that is something else.

My friend told me she'd cook food for us and halfway asked me if it was ok, if she used the spinach, but I can't really determine if us were the 3 of us, the 2 of us or she and him. Also the spinach-question I don't know if meant to somehow integrate me or simply to ask if they can use up all the spinach I have a claim on (haha I know I talk friggin businesslike).

Whatever even if she wanted to make a once in a while exception of eating only with him and let me have dinner on myself, she should have said it clearer or I don't know, do you just decide it out of the blue, without letting the other person know?!




I simply cannot except their behaviour and I don't see why I should.

I normally never write about problems with persons I personally know, especially not about my roommate who is my best friend btw (and has plenty of good sides fyi), but seeing that Xiaxue did it, I think I should be honestly blogging out my concerns, too.

Having a blog IS really hard Haha

Well and now I am lying here with no dinner and I'm so not hungry only my stomach is kind of spasmodic and that's all.

In the meantime I have slept and it's past 3.30pm the next day. I am still nowhere near hungry and just want to wrap up this wordy and thus absolutely boring post!


Chu, Ailing

I'm actually using the Blogger app to create this entry (explains the lack of images due to missing HTML mode which I would have omitted anyway this time round). Sometimes I wonder if it's a good (or even necessary) idea to write a few thoughts of mine down - be it to clear or make up my mind or in order to remember things later on. Mostly I decide it's not worth it (sometimes because I'm lazy), because we are going to forget most of it again anyway. At times I'm playing with the thought of jotting everything down in my physical diary, but then I reckon it's mere existence is ridiculous.
So this time I'm going to give it a try and note down here what's been in my head the past few days. Because this is a blog and it should be full of my personal heart wrenching (first world) problems. <s>So quick tell me how to lose weight the fastest way!</s>

(Ok intro so long already, kinda got sleepy and this is actually the second time I'm writing this, first time got deleted) Lately I'm very angry and kind of sad (? I'm not sure if I know or remember what sadness is (funny how autocorrect tried to make that 'dementia')) about my inability to say what I want!! I just don't know but it is so impossible for me! It has sth to do with my parents' education. I'm pretty positive and I usually never blame my parents for anything, because I'm not a person who easily blames everyone else. Especially when it comes to important things this is a very bad character trait! I feel extra bad about this because it's New Year and it should be in my (inexistent) resolution list, but I wouldn't even dream of it. I don't even bother to make one, it is all in vain #wearealldoomed (will lose some words about that around CNY btw). So these days I'm really upset with myself and it makes me restless and leaves me wondering how I should overcome this fear of mine. I actually never bring up stuffs that will make people feel bad or in this case causes arguments, as I know how uncomfortable it is. For one I don't like to speak up against (some) people, but another thing is I e.g. don't like to orally relive embarrassing stories of my friends on a party just to share a good laugh or to make fun of them a bit. Kinda like we are talking about really gay fashion trends which are just the epitome if uglyness and then I'm like, 'U. didn't u like that, too?' - 'What?! She liked this?' laughter - 'Yeah, she used to have a huge crush on this dude who always wears those in neon pink!!' - U:'that was back in middle school!' - more laughter - 'You even wrote this 15p love letter!' and the stories go on. I know many people who do this and it's actually no big deal and they don't mean any real harm, but I could never. And even this makes me feel a bit bad, because it is due to a weakness that I can't do it. (Were we in anime land this would make me the hero and lead character since it's not a weakness, love is no weakness it makes you strong!!!)

I don't know if I have said all that comes to my mind now. I really hope I covered all the thoughts concerning this. It would be very troublesome had I not, because I can't repeat the same matter over and over again, right?  I figured out other flaws that I have lately, but now that I'm all set to blog my heart out of course I can't think of one. So yeah, that's it, I wonder how long this got and if I should add a song or not....

Oh btw my roommate had a very funny and sick dream: she was possessed by the devil and idk had to torture other souls and enjoyed it or burnt in hell? Something like that. We are definitely watching too much Supernatural!!

Chu Ailing

不自然なガール - パフューム

I'm going to make my threat from the post before the post before (#&%$#<#$%&/) real !

This subject started to buzz around my head some months ago maybe, and took shape some days ago.




It's gonna be LOVE!
My name!




First of all, it's not really a subject I should talk about.
Everyone who knows me, knows that I'm totally hating love .

I make fun of it, don't tolerate couple's behaviour, can't understand it and boys are so uninteresting for me .

I'm laughing out of the most romantic and touching movie scenes.
(I remember yelling Come on, get yourself ran over! while watching some desperate women walking on a street , when suddenly some fast car drove towards her (some scene in The Notebook), it got me shocked and incredulous gazes from Angelababy)
Most times people react like that if I comment on any love related issues.

It's funny~


Whenever the other girls are looking forward to watch the newest love drama, I'm just kinda ruining their expectations, by naming all the unlogical facts about it.
Or saying that the guy is ugly.
Or just make Tsk

Love is ridiculous for me!

At least in movies.




Although, I don't really want to believe it, I guess that my parents attitude towards love more or less influenced my attitude towards it. (No my mother is not like Domyouji's mother LoL)

You know, having Asian parents means that you aren't allowed to have a boyfriend before you marry.
Sth like this.


I grew up, living with this rule, I was bound to live after this rule and maybe as time passes - unlike the fellow Asian kids - I had to internalize it.


This sounds like I was traumatized by my parents now, but I think it isn't like this. At least not only.



Normally, especially if you are a teenager, you absolutely want a boyfriend, so one could think that deep deep deep inside my cold heart, something, something in me wants a boyfriend and is totally against my parents' will .


ちがう!!!
So not!!!


I have tested myself often enough and thought about it:
I totally want no boyfriend!


Even if some day the hottest guy in town would (as strange as it sounds) fall in love with me and beg me to go out with him: いえ No!

Totally not!
I know he's handsome and every girl would die to go out with him, but - except that my love belongs to TVXQ - I absolutely don't want to stress myself by sticking to another human!

I have enough problems on my own!

And also where to take the time for him?
I mean I shop the web, I blog, I daydream, I got school somemore?

Too egoistic to share my life with someone as engaging as a boyfriend!
Also I feel that I love my freedom more than the idea of having such a person.

Of course TVXQ, FTI and several Japanese actors are THE exceptions.
I would marry them at once (if they'd ever ask me that is~ )


So, I can say, without having to lie to myself:
I don't want a boyfriend.



Of course, once you are really in love with someone, the whole world looks different, but that's another story!
I don't want to fall in love! (with someone normal, got a celeb crush already)





But, who knows how my future looks like!
Right now, the thought of being a virgin with 30 years, doesn't scare me.

It is of course unnormal, but if it's one's deep-hearted decision, I think it's ok.
Because, what if a woman just don't want to bind herself to someone?







I said, that it's my absolutely certain will to have no boyfriend, but I also want to say, that I decided to give up on finding one as well .

Hahas ♥. Does that sound shocking?


I said that I don't go out that often, so where should I find one? In school I think I look like a ghost mostly (because I need 5min in the bathroom every morning).

Most important, I don't have the looks.

Yes, I gave up (without remorse or the like) on finding a boyfriend, because of my looks.


We girls all start to try to improve our looks at some point of time in our lives. Including me.
Suddenly we care about hair styles, clothes, weight and make-up. (Make-up - not me)

Most girls change totally during their puberty. When looking at old pictures they look ugly sometimes, unstylish, plump, totally misshapen.

Some time after that, they have changed more or less into fashionable young women.
Most girls, I'd say, became more feminine and prettier. Their features just got mature and solid somehow as they grow up.
Developping a sense of fashion which harmonizes with their life and feelings is also a part of this.


Of course, a few girls also don't suceed in finding their own style as fast as others or never manage to.
Some still are in the period of finding themselves and expressing their personality through a matching outward appearance.


I'd say that I have more or less completed this task, but that doesn't mean that you're pretty in the end at all.

I'm not (really).


At some point of time, you come to terms with your appearance and the parts you don't like about it or you resign yourself to it.

Then, given some event, you start to dislike yourself again and think about, why you can't change e.g. your skin and again you start to try out multiple peelings, creams, make-up and food supplements, etc.

After some time you again, realize that it's impossible to change it and face up to whatever bothers you.


Going throw this circle, some eventually find out how to improve what they wanted, some truly come to terms with it and some will stay discontented for the rest of their lives.


As for me, I belong to the 3rd group.

Unless I don't get a few plastic surgeries, I think nothing can help me.


But I decided, to ignore whatever bothers me (so actually it's a mixture of 2 and 3).
It's not really worth it (and actually I don't want bf, remember?)

Along ignoring these, comes the ignoring/ giving up on boys decision.
Or better, giving up on boys is a more or less unavoidable consequence.


I'm saying more or less, because of I course I'm aware of the fact that there a enough - even handsome, rich guys (ok maybe not rich) - who don't bother about a girl's appearance, but about personal qualities and I should'nt give up now, because someday I will surely find a man who truly loves me , but fuck those.

That happens to some super ugly chick, but not to some average punter like me (PWND!)

J/K, just as if, yah?
It's kinda like believing that Jaejoong comes to marry you~

Possible, but... naaahhh~



So please, don't think that I'm desperate and just try to cover it with some logical explanation, I'm totally - as mentioned above - saying this witout having to lie to myself.


I don't have the looks, I don't want a boyfriend.


Actually, it's also my selfishness which caused this decision, because I'm really too lazy to give much about how I go to school.

As I said 5min in the bathroom every morning.
Peeing, tooth brushing, combing my hair - not even tieing it up or anything, just tooo crazy lazy.


I said that I have gone throw those two processes of hating and tolerating oneself, yes.

But I never seriously tried to improve how I look.

I have several peelings at home, which my mom uses up, I have creams, which I don't apply, because they are already 5 years old and so on.
I buy cheap make-up, because the next time I'm going to use it, it's done for anyways.

Just too goddamn lazy.







So, みんな, that's my oppinion on love.

I know it's odd, but I'm feeling comfortable with it.
It's good, that I made up my mind about this, kinda reassuring yourself and giving you the feeling that you are free (and can spit every beau right in his face!)


Whenever you meet new people and you're talking about boys, I can say,
I don't want any boyfriend lah!
No, I never got one, so what? They are all losers anyway! Tsk~

And totally feeling ベスト !!!


That's unfortunately only my imagination.
I've never talked about boys really.

And, actually people should be discreet enough to not bother others with their love life.





I don't know why I wrote this.
Partly, because I wanted to note down in cold print how I feel about this just for myself. So that I can see it, kinda.

But also to all those, hopeless ugly girls out there, who are totally desperate about finding a bf.

To show them with my example, you don't need one and actually you don't want one, lah!

Srsly, I'm not telling everyone to give up on bf, because you realize that you're ugly lah- just showing you how minimal your chances are xD


It's that, it's not bad to have no boyfriend everyone.
You don't need to force yourself into it.
That's stupid and you better realize it now.



Anyways I will write about my ideal husband some other time and maybe about personal beauty.


Chu, Ailing