Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Note to

사랑의 시 - 4Men

I'm actually totally not in the mood for colorful summer pictures and everything, but I don't want to be a spoilsport either (not that anyone would care ).
Also I have like a million of other things going on in my life just now and enough topics to think about, but this is one of them and I need to get this cleared, too, so why not post about it.

This is another issue of my αʹ☆zillion line, which basically are just lists of things about me
Today's subject: αʹ☆zillion of appearance-related complexes

I actually developed many complexes over the years, which all concern outer appearance. Now that I think about it, I don't have any other complexes related to mental problems... What's typical of my complexes is they mostly concern features that I dislike about myself. And so I automatically scan those features on others first, before I pay attention to anything else. I might even hate them on others more than on myself.

Chronologically listed:
  1. face shape what really triggered this is Korean v-line obsession I think. what created the basis is my mother.

    She has a super square face, which partly comes from her genes I think, plus she's also grinding her teeth. And when I was younger, or maybe even now, she would tease me by saying 'oh, what a square face you have!' or 'why is your face so squaare?' I didn't really mind, because I always thought she wanted to allege that I'm fat. Now, if she'd say it, I also wouldn't take her too serious, because luckily I'm Asian, but my face is actually rather v-shape (although still quite wide)

  2. fat lips trigger: an allkpop post about Niel's sausage lips. basis: my parents

    Ok, so also when I was younger, both my parents would always tease me about my fat lips, which I got from my father (although his lips aren't really fat). Especially when I woke up, they'd make fun of me by saying that I have the biggest pout ever. I didn't give a damn about those comments back then until I read this stupid allkpop article. I then thought that boys aren't suppose to have fat lips and that's how it started. Whenever I see boys w fuller lips it gets very hard for me to like them, e.g. Exo's Kai, Shinee's Taemin, TVXQ's Changmin (ok someone has a SME issue). (my father used to resemble Changmin when he was younger btw) I don't really know if I should like them on girls, though. Most people think it's sexy, so I'm kinda saying to myself, that it's a cool thing. But then again, I kinda hate them, too.

  3. eyebrows trigger: Korean eyebrows. basis: none

    so this has to be my biggest complexe! I absolutely hate it when people don't have neat eyebrows. And I semi-absolutely hate it when woman have super angular eyebrows (like most Westeners have).
    I think in the very beginning I thought super triangular eyebrows just make you look like a bitch. Therefore I called them 'bitch eyebrows'. It was one of the things I hated about this world. There are people who hate prostitution other detest injustice, well as for me it's bitch eyebrows. But at that time, it was just hatred.
    I noticed at some point of time that Koreans don't pay attention to their eyebrows at all and that they just look like fresh out of Stone Age, but I didn't really care about how eyebrows affect your face at all and it was just this insignificant observation. Then suddenly Koreans started to shape their brows without me really noticing and I saw my first Korean eyebrow tutorial. I loved it! But I didn't care that much about my own eyebrows until my friend said that she thinks short (Korean) eyebrows make your eyes bigger.
    Around that time I looked at my own eyebrows and noticed, 'Hey, I have none!' (inherited from my father as well, but can't complain, I also inherited hairless legs from him).
    My current state is: a) I wish I had more eyebrows so that I wouldn't look so plain and harsh. b) Men who have neglected, overgrown eyebrows are horrible (I don't want men to really plug them obviously, but male idols have nice eyebrows w/o looking artificial, too). c) Women with rank growth eyebrows are horrible, but I find it worse on men somehow.
    Recently, I have been thinking about shaving my eyebrows completely away, to see if they'll grow back thicker, but I heard that sometimes they won't grow back ever again, so I guess I have to live w my sparse upper eye hairs

  4. hands/fingers trigger: none basis: my mother

    I don't know at what time I got that, but my mother is kind of Asian aristocrat, so she always pays a lot of attention to (female) hands. And hers a quite nice, and mine are, too. But you know, the more you pride yourself on sth, the more likely you are to criticize it or talk it down. Like you create a painting which you find absolutely perfect, but hmm - there, this cloud it could have a more harmonic shape to blend more beautifully with the sky.
    So what I find really uncool about my hands is that lately my veins pop out look construction worker hands lah! And my hands are freaking white and my veins are fat and blue Also my fingers are not slender, but they are thicker were the joints are like the Elder Wand and I find it absolutely un-pretty, I tell ya. I once looked up the meaning of that palmistry-wise and it's not bad (I think), but I still hate them.
    So when I see idols with ugly hands I get friggin agressive (on the inside ) and rail against my fate for not being an idol with so much prettier hands

I used to have a leg-related complexe which caused me to always compare unknown women's legs That pretty much went away, I still dislike my legs, but it's nothing like the problems I mentioned above

Ok, so that's it... My parents appear like devils who push all their expectations and dreams onto their kids (which isn't so entirely wrong) and therefore ruined my young life

Chu, Ailing

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

ラブを狙い ☆ 心の声聞いている - ここにいる君を想っている

this video is related to break-ups and it's from my idol Queenie Chan. i love her very much and feel that this is very inspiring. will blog abt her some day

This is about my friend and her kareshi, about whom I have wrote several times already. The kareshi will from now on go by the alias aniki.
Would you stay with someone who treats everyone like air whenever they have some sporadic problem? A person who goes offline when messaged? A person who switches off their phone when called? A person who deals with life like a game, whenever they feel like it they go mia like it's nobody's business and then when they want, they show up again? And this happens every other day.

I say NO. And not only because of some immediate consequences. ALL of them could be forgiven, forgotten even accepted if there was just a chance that he would change. Until that time you could love with him with 1000s of forgivingness with unending patience, without expectations, while he gradually starts to appreciate you.
If I saw that the aniki could be different some day, if I could imagine them as a happy (married) couple in the future, I had no worries if I encouraged her to be indulgent with him. But I can't imagine it, I can't see him changing.

He hasn't reacted to any of her tries to contact him for days. He just vanished like that. And to fill you in, he has problems getting this job that he wants and has just wrote a test in order to apply for this job.
And I understand that he feels frustrated, desperate, is too afraid to face his failure and feels lost about the future. I understand that you want to repress such bad experiences, that you want to push them away, that you don't dare to admit them to others.
But your loved ones they care about you, right? They absolutely have the right to know what is going on!

And as a son, a brother and a lover you aren't supossed to let others worry themselves sick because of your selfishness.

What I'm talking about is not only this time, where at least he could have a sensible reason for disappearing from the scene (he could have another girl, too, what? - de facto, we don't know wtf is the matter), it's that he vanishes whenever he feels like it. He senses that you want to have a serious talk, he's gone. And won't reappear until he feels like it again. Is this the behaviour of a person who deserves your love?
He treats his parents and siblings just like that. The closer you get to him, the more he isolates himself. How would you live with someone like that? How can you be sure that he won't also dump you like a drag someday?
How do you imagine a future with him, when you can be sure that situations like this will repeat themselves countlessly in the time to come? How can you stay with someone who won't talk about problems, but even reacts agressively if you want to approach something? As a (married) couple there will be enough problems about random, trivial nonsense even without his extra selfish problem-making.

But as I said all those could be taken as a sacrifice for a happy future if you could help him. But he doesn't want your help, he doesn't want you.
He only sees himself once he meets an obstacle. He behaves like there's noone else except him. You can't be there for him, because he doesn't give two flying fucks about your care, your worry, your love.
It's giving and taking, right? My friend gave him so much, of her time, her thoughts, her concerns - he doesn't give a shit. He doesn't even see it.
And what has he given back? Not a single sign of gratitude for her support, for her never giving up on a burden like him. A boyfriend who doesn't appreciate his girlfriend?
I'm sure loves in her some sort of way, but honestly his concept of love is rather poor and underdeveloped, when everything he gave her was just talk and entertainment. They had a good time on their trips, he has send her many presents. And now?
Every time he isolates himself like this, he shits on the presents he gave her. He has given her only aversion whenever she tried to approach him with his problems.
It's nothing more than some feeling of affection eventually.

And in the end, he is pulling both of them down. I know that my friend doesn't want to leave him, because without her he would be nothing. A partner for life who is a burden for most of the time? Is it really wise to decide to drag such a person through life? A person who relies only on others but doesn't even realize it over all his selfishness?
You don't allow yourself to suffer from such egoism.

Chu, Ailing