Thursday, 25 September 2014

From the Life of

傻笑 - Jay Chou ft Cindy Yen
Out of a unusual feeling of responsibility towards myself and following the example of Xiaxue
who really uncompromisingly blogged about EVERYTHING back then, regardless whom she might harm or not - including herself -
I think I should really blog about the following happenings.

I think later on (when I'm old and bitter) these will be my the memories of my youth, when I was young and reckless Hahaha.

But before I start, some other stories, whose relation to the main story I leave to your imagination.
I would say that I am a person who without making a big fuss always thinks what she says.
I don't appreciate nor make use of ambiguity or say things that I don't mean like that.

Of course there are exceptions, when I'm around friends I am not constantly playing diplomat and also I don't say everything I think (which should be normal), but mostly I'm for one quite aware of what I say and also, when I say something I mean it exactly like that.
I don't see why people should complicate things by saying things without meaning them, it would be better to say nothing at all.

It is funny how I don't fear being judged at all. I don't mind if people say I'm a bitch, ugly, lazy, hate my roots, or whatever. I don't care.
Or better, I either really couldn't care less or know it better.

That's why concerning this topic, it is really astonishing how I absolutely fear to be judged.
I feel so vulnerable (?)
And I might ending up blogging about something else at first, so we'll see !^^

Ok I have decided to blog about this something else first, because if I do it the other way round it might seem weird.

DISCLAIMER The following contents is written by a person who hasn't been in a relationship before and doesn't even intend to be in any relationship any time soon.
I don't give a fuck (in the true meaning of the word).
So these are just thoughts of a naive, clueless girl who doesn't know better. I don't judge. LOL

I want to write about clingers/ jealous rls partners.

Somehow being together with a clinger speaks against everything that I believe in: - that one should trust and believe in one another in a relationship
- that one cherishes and respects each other's individual personality
- that without those a relationship cannot work
- that people also have a responsibility towards themselves, that they should love themselves, too, at all times, so they would realize when something just 'kills' them on the inside
- that they should always look realistically at things, so they know when something has no future and it's time to move on

Yes, I am indirectly saying that one should break up with a clinger or terribly jealous rls partner asap and I am aware of the fact that I sound like cold-hearted bitch.
Well, I am a cold-hearted bitch, but I also don't know any better (remember?)

I understand that being together with a person for a long time creates more bonds than just love, you have the fear of being alone, the feeling of being used to stay in a rls/ with that person, some hope that things might change, a certain indifference or a growing thick skin towards such accustomed flaws, convenience.

I understand that these things exist, I don't understand that those things could make a person choosing to stay in what is certainly called a poisonous relationship. (forgive me!)

It might be because I have been in a poisonous relationship as well (remember I said I have never been in a relationship so it must be that) I talk about friendship here.

I was friends with a girl in middle school. I guess it started somewhat normally, but the longer we were friends the more dominant the girl became. She didn't force me to do things for her, not really.
Except that I had to join her to the toilet every time or wait for her to pick her up to school or things like that.
Or one time I had to get off the train, but she lived a few stops further so she half-jokingly, half-seriously hindered me (and a granny behind me) to get off. Not only was I super angry with her when I missed my stop, the granny started to scold us somemore!
Also she used to always complain to me about things that had nothing to do with me. Like the weather.
And I had to kinda justify the heavens for her.

I have seen a few rls like this. Between other girls when I'm on the train. Or one of my friend's friend was also like this. She needed a 'submissive' partner, whom she could boss around.

Anw, one day after sports when this friend had upset me once again by trying to make me stay longer, I finally found that I had enough.
The next day I didn't pick her up for school and our close friendship was over. We were still friends, since we were in the same group of friends, only luckily I wasn't her best buddy anymore.

When I think back, I'm really glad that I managed to free myself from her.
Poisonous relationship are really weird. Actually this person is your friend, but when you think about it, can this really be a friend when the time you spend together actually sucks out-and-out and you just didn't realize it?

I know that I read an article about poisonous rls back then, but can't remember if that was before or after our friendship ended.
Nevertheless I am forever grateful to this eye-opening article, as it showed me how twisted life can be.
And how important it is to be aware of oneself.

Hearing from other poisonous rls I know how they can absolutely destroy you, exhaust you to the core or make you feel miserable about your whole existence.

It is then your job to firstly realize that you are not feeling good (which isn't always as easy as it sounds), finding the reason (your friend, lover, mother, son, coach, colleague, teacher, dog?, idk) and eliminating it.
I think the article talked about braking up with this person, but I guess trying to talk some sense into them is also a start.
Only that I fear that it required some professional help to cure these persons.

On to clingers. My view on clingers isn't quite normal I must say.
This is attributed to a certain dark incident during my early dumb teen years, which I wish I could eliminate out of history.
This person wasn't exactly a clinger. He was just disgustingly 'ready-to-admire'. In the beginning I didn't mind, but after a short time I was so friggin' sick of his compliments, I couldn't stand it any more.
And to this date I detest those clingy sort of people who stick around your ass to pave your path with cotton candy.

So clingers are really my personal turn-off.

I could never be around someone who literally needs to compliment me around the clock (I'm allergic to compliments anw).
This would be a poisonous relationship for me.

On to the jealous peeps. I have never really engaged with jealous people.
Ok I have always been friends with 2 other girls, who were fighting about with whom I should stay when, but that's at least reasonable.
But jealous people are jealous because of fuck.

I think for outsiders it is hard to understand why people stay with jealous rls partners, especially because their behaviour resembles that of a maniac so strikingly.

A funny anecdote: My friend had these friends who were in a rls. The girls was super jealous, the guy pissed. It was somehow long-distance somemore.
One day when the guy came visiting, they had a fight or so. The guy gave the girl a reason to feel very jealous and gloomy.
My brilliant friend issued an ultimatum to the guy: If you can't stand it anymore then brake up with her! Don't let her suffer like this!!!
The guy? Broke up that instant hahahaha

Ok is it the cold-hearted bitch that laughs about this? Anyway, that girl was then super depressive. Really super depressive, as in failed class and started to do sports like crazy.

Which brings me to the point that she was weak.
Maybe the reason why I can't stand clingers (and certainly jealous people) is that they are weak.
I hate weak people.
Weak people can't love themselves. What is a person who can't even take care of himself?

This concludes my very insightful excursion about relationships.
Chu, Ailing