Monday, 16 June 2014

On food and feelings

It is funny, disappointing, annoying, astonishing how things you learn at school do influence you after all.
For example, we talked about addictions and/ or mental illnesses during middle school. Everyone had to pair with someone and prepare a presentation about a certain illness for the whole class. I covered anorexia, bulimia and adiposity.
And now I'm generally very interested in (and also fascinated by) eating disorders. But I think it's also because I want to be very skinny.

Another point is that I once interned at a hospital at (in?) the ward for internal medicine. In particular we had many patients who had problems with their alimentary canal. And oh wonder, you could say that it's the most interesting topic concerning medicine for me now.
Although it is very disgusting (digestion!) - I saw a 200kg guy who had a gigantic hole in the middle of his ass idk what they did there but you could fit two fists in that hole, I've seen people with full stomata (that's an artificial anus, i.e. a plastic bag where your shit is collected instead) dropping out of the hole of their bellies or my cousin told me she saw people throwing up their own shit, hands down possibly the most disgusting aspect of medicine on living(!) humans - I still like it the most (ok that might be exaggerated).

So y'all should be careful about what you learn, you might like it later on~

More funny things! My relationship with food! Funny how it can change so fast and so extreme!
On certain days I be like, 'what does it even matter? hand me that mayonnaise bro, we gon eat like no tomorrow' and on other days, 'omgwtf this glass of water I just drank! Just this feeling of fullness already makes me sick. Fuck this bad conscience although I know that it has 0 cal! What should I do?! I will never lose weight!!'.

Now someone explain that. I wish I was more often on that water is evil- side, but it isn't granted me.
At least this speaks volumes about human psyche; we are all fragile. And it shows how easy it actually is to develop an eating disorder (not for me though, I'm still going strong ww x).
Anyway, when I first gathered some information about this topic and probably it's the same thing for most of you, too - we think it's impossible for us to stick a toothbrush down our throat or to be disgusted by the 'bloating' of a glass of water. But now I could say that these opinions change to the exact opposite from one day to an other just like that.

What I want to say is, most of our judging is based on comparisons with recent standards. We adjust our standards to current circumstances and rarely pit our deeds or thoughts against higher ideals. Examples? People who grow up in a normal environment and were friends with us now rob helpless old grannies in order to get themselves and their friends enough money to buy drugs. We used to hate smokers, but now that everyone we know kinda smokes it isn't all that bad... And so on.

We don't (always) think, 'this is the most reputable of all things, I want to be like that', but we think 'I want to be better/as good as/ only a bit worse than standard'. And if that changes our thinking changes with them.
Of course some things don't change (that easily), like killing someone. Most of us will still flinch from doing so even if suddenly a civil war wear to break out where we live. But for some, this process is happening (faster). And that is because 'everyone is doing it, so it is normal/only a bit worse if I do it, too.'
This is also how some explain why so many Germans suddenly became cruel murderers during WWII and even killed children without hesitating.
In the beginning we think it's very cruel and absolutely wrong, but then we don't think about it that often anymore, because we already have thought of everything that could be thought of this subject. And then after a while, it's the most normal thing ever. Another way is that we think about it all the time and it becomes completely normal for us because it had been in our head all the time.
Very much the same as why we don't find looking out of the window during train journeys as interesting as when we were kids anymore. All things are relative.

Well, I just wanted to share this with you, because I think many people are too sure of everything, but the reality is 'All that is certain is that nothing is certain. Not even this.'.

Chu, Ailing x x x

Sunday, 15 June 2014

To be languid

서울이 싫어졌어 - 이천원

I am watching football now that I have finished (a certain amount of) studying.
I know I said I'd study more and well, this was more (even if not much). Yesterday didn't work so well, because I went to a fair with my roommate. I haven't been for a long while and it was very entertaining. The smell of cotton candy, and all the colourful, shining signs and the typical voices advertising different attractions. I had a crêpe after a really long time.
It might be the 2nd I ever had, because I don't like sweet things at all. Especially warm ones.

Well today was study day, although lately I get up really late and thus miss half of the days anyway. That is because I fall asleep very late and hate to wake up, too. Not very cool qualities.
I'm starting to think that I have ADHD. Only one of the 99.999 things that I recently start to doubt about myself~
I find myself thinking of every and anything else to do while studying. It might be singing or checking out this site or a product or eating or going to the toilet, whatever. It's really hard to study like that. But I must learn to gain control.

I absolutely must learn to be more time-efficient. It is one of my top (out of 2) worries!

The picture was taken on Mother's Day a while ago. It was one of those days when rain and sunshine took turns with one another incessantly.
Although it looks like it was a very gloomy day I think the sun probably started to shine brightly only moments after. But it's the gloominess that I love about this picture; the rain onto that beautiful landscape and then on the left site rails, industry, anti-nature,... I also love the old dark-framed window and the flowers in the foreground which I got for my mother that morning.

I'm going to study a bit more and continue with the football match!
Chu, Ailing

Friday, 13 June 2014


等等 - Olivia Ong

I remember there was a time when I forced myself to write into my diary everday. It must have been long ago.
I started to write diaries when I was about 7 years old. You might wonder what 7 year old kids have to say... I also used my diary as a scrapbook and loved to decorate it with stickers and pictures that I had out of magazines etc. I also had free disposal of around 50 gel pens.
All in all I kept my diary/ diaries quite regularly and also used to write in different languages.

At some point of time during middle school I started to write less and less into my diary, just because I couldn't be bothered.

What I am thinking about is, many people want to have blogs similar to diaries, just that they are public. And also though many mean it, it is not so easy to completely be open about oneself towards a possible audience of millions.
I thought so, too. I'm not really shy when it comes to controversial topics or criticising people, but therefor I have other subjects which are hard for me to talk about.
But the main point why blogs can not that easily be diaries is, leading back to the starting sentence, not all things are worth reading for all people.

The reason why I wanted to write into my diary on a daily basis was not just to record my exciting daily life. And whilst diaries surely have this function of perpetuating one's everyday life and happenings, I think using it as a mean to excogitate, to philosophize does this little book, these personal compositions much more justice.

But when one runs a blog, topics are in some way or the other filtered into things which will interest others and things which won't.
Some things are then deemed to be not interesting enough to be written down and that does defy the existence of a diary (of a not soo~)

So hell yeah, I'm writing more often and fuck yeah, the contents are getting more boring!
Summer is here (I actually hate weather talk). And my memory might be very very bad or it has never been this hot before! At least not in June. Unbearable hot!
But I'm not really in the mood for summery things, that's why the downgraded summer fun picture.

On my way to school is an area with many apartment buildings surrounded by countless pretty amazing pine trees. The whole scenery has an absolute fabulous retro feeling to it, which I love. And I've come to love pine trees. They all look like (somewhat extra-ordinary) real life bonsais ww. I wish I had a smaller camera with decent quality, so I could quickly snap pictures while on the go.

Which leads me to the fact that I am broke. I have never been broke. Never. I spent money like hell-knows but I have never been broke (well, I have run out of cash in New York once, but never out of credit). But now I am and it's funny. Cuz it's good. I finally can't buy shit anymore and that means, hello, most welcomed shopping diet (THIS really is a fucking ugly non-word).
Still I'd like to have a smaller Nikon (for a change) or maybe even a Samsung camera... whatever!

Now to the incident of the day:

I was walking a few paces behind this old men when he suddenly stopped and turned around to look at me.
I wwent straight on and when I was on the same level with the men he breathed at me! I don't know how to say it, but he was like 'HhhhhHHHHoOOoo' into my direction (not in my face, cuz I didn't look at him, luckily!)
Luckily I also have this habbit of not really breathing or instantly holding my breath near some kind of people, so I don't think I inhaled his most toxic, disgusting old men bacteria, BUT WTF
Just what?

  1. He hates me personally because I'm young/ Asian/ walking so fast/ yadda yadda and has these disgusting illness that he wants to infect me with
  2. He's a zombie/ mutated lab creature that just brainlessly wants to spread his futuristic gentically manipulating illness around the world!
  3. He's a disguised fairy who wanted to bestow on me some lucky ether which will make everything I touch turn into millions for me!!!
What do you reckon? Anyway, there isn't really any plausible explanation for this behaviour, so I guess he's just sick.

Another essential topic my world now revolves around is to finally sort out if I am (can be) a good student or not... It has been a long time since I have been one (?) and recently I haven't been at all. I just want to know it.
That's why I want to study like mad for now, see if it's possible~

Chu, Ailing x x

Thursday, 5 June 2014


大悲咒 - 黃慧音


Yet again. Is anyone sick of this? I sure am.
There are so many things I want to write about, but mostly I can't find more than 2 or 3 sentences before I run out of words to say (i.e. expressive power in general). In case you haven't guessed already: This makes it very hard to blog.
That is why I shall resign myself to jot down these few lines to enter history (world history).

I wonder if I have gotten any dumber or just am not as smart as I thought I am to begin with; I could write whole essays about waste seperation in Detroit or the reason why Pauline feels insecure about meeting her mother if that was asked in any test (and get 10 out of 10 /cough) but when it comes to anything related to this space nothing is good enough. I hate whatever writing style exists or inexists here.
Furthermore I just can't make any point, even (or maybe exactly because) if I wanted to talk about personal junk. I might have diminished for real though. I don't know what this is, but it's really disheartening.

Moreover I somehow can't even find topics. I try to view this as a personal diary. A something I (physically) had since age 8. I know what it's like to dear diary, and this isn't it. Not the right subjects, not the amount of openness, not the degree of honesty,
What could be the reason? For one I guess it's because I have too many inspirations. Writing styles that I'd like to try out for myself. It makes everything not so me (I wouldn't say fake though) and thus harder to express myself. Also, there are some aesthetic layout matters that limit my writing. Then my heart might not really be in it. No time, no passion, yes laziness.

For fuck's sake I'm not even sure if I want it. (I don't even know what I want in general) Do you see this? This is the non-art of making no point.
Ermm... yeah

I should definitely decide what I want this place to be.
I want this to be a fashion thing.
I want this to grow some dough.
I want this to be a lifestyle thing.
I want this to be me.

I reckon my most important concern is the last bit. I value individuality the most. But I have lost myself out there between amazing blogs, high standards and yeah just losing it in general.
And I shall not tolerate this no more.

Were I so self-assured I would commence following era with the infamous From now on... but everything is ever so fleeting for me at the moment. What stays is this nothing. And nothing can be really hard to endure.
So hence there are other big words of same vacuous bore I'm making do with I'm not a man of big words.

Dear Diary

How long has it been since I lastly had the leisure to write into you let alone looking myself in the eye?

Admitting weakness is something I have yet to learn and the struggle is real. Oh and procrastination. I don't know at what I'm lacking more. Not that it really mattered, both are drowning me equally.
I have been thinking a lot and coming to no conclusion recently.

What I fear most, more than failure or anything, is never making a choice. Never.
Doubt has killed more dreams
than failure ever will
Let's add procrastination in my case. Blogging, thinking, philosophizing what good comes from it. Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it. Sauté it. WHATEVER. Do it.
Sometimes I wish I'd rather be a lifeless piece of meat than undergoing all this.

I just can't, can I?
I know what to do actually. I'm adding fear and/or cravenness.

Oh almighty whoever out there (or 6D being I'm not picky) can't you just snap with your fingers and get me a life-changing kick in the butt (one of the sort that transforms me into a better human without a preceding experience)? Am I asking for too much? (Make it a lottery win then)
Oh, I end it here!

Chu, Ailing

Wednesday, 4 June 2014

No Sidekick Life

Night and Day - 휘성

Is there anything about my life that I currently don't despise? /points at layout But that's not the point. The last couple of days I have found myself involuntarily undergoing an eye-opening cold turkey: My mother has again managed to break my phone (this makes the ratio of the amount of phones I owned to the phones my mother broke 2:2). Well it is still very usable, except for the unattractive crack on the upper right corner.
Distressed I brought my phone to be repaired, only to learn that I could as well by a new one with the costs.

Nevertheless the days without my 2nd half proved to be so enlightening and medicative in a way. I have heard from people who got their phones stolen how absolutely hamstrung they felt and that it was impossible to live like a monk in the dark age. Well, 1 or 2 stories I can tell that turned out more or less disastrous without my little sidekick (missing my dinner date, but luckily meeting at the right restaurant 1,5h(!) after each other or generally being unable to check my ever changing timetable and schedule like I'm used to), but all in all it was just so liberating!!

Not constantly hanging on the phone, checking pinterest, instagram, twitter, pinterest,... or playing some (then turning out to be absolutely dumb) games (yes, 2048) before finally going to sleep or while waiting for anything and everything sounds daunting while you still do it, but is perfectly okay (that's understated it's heaven!! ww) once you eventually deny. I'm glad for my cold turkey and now vow reform!
Not that I totally do check for SNS updates now that I have it back. But I will have it under control! No brainwash, no more. And hopefully to boosted productivity!

With snacks and pictures instead of studying!
Chu, Ailing

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

To Love and to be Loved in return

눈,코,입 - 태양

Being kind of upset with me and frustrated with everything else I'm really unmotivated to do anything at all. So fyeah here I am, choosing studying as the thing I don't wanna do at aller over blogging.
I wish (or don't) that I had used the title quote for a nicer post (like my wedding announcement) but no, I'm bashing about love instead.
While watching Spider-Man (months ago - or so it seems) at some random love scene I started to wonder if maybe I will never know what love is (over-dramatizing things, I mean loving the other sex). Like I will never know this feeling of someone meaning so much to me, that bringing me the greatest happiness means potentially experiencing the most painful sadness as well. That I can never care for someone so much, be glad to see someone so much, be afraid of losing someone so much and generally all those ultimata of feelings.

But then I remembered that others will never know what it's like to love themselves this much, so I got that going for me, which is nice. There's no such satisfying a feeling as loving oneself! This extreme lavish complacency is hard to top.
Loving only yourself grants you so much time to pamper yourself, take care of your body and mind. You can learn, broaden your horizon, set goals for your future, anything that beautifies your life and soul. And your body, too of course! You can take baths whenever and as long as you like and then wear masks, eat what and when you like and just be free! How ineffable precious!! (You can also walk around in underwear!!!!)

Personally I noticed the last couple of weeks/ months how much I appreciate to have a moment (or two) to call my own and just take a break from everything (and nothing actually~). That's why I don't mind when my roommate has to leave or leaves anyhow to play with others. I think I'm just not the social kind of person. No, not at all.

So back to the topic: I don't give two flying fucks - sadly - at least for some. I have better things to do (watching baby Dash fake-laughing? anyone?) or (computer-) window shopping. Or blogging... not really apparently.

Btw, the gummi bear couple, are called honey bears and are even more delicious than your normal gummi bears (which are among the things I love most about Germany). We bought them as I visited A. and her bf - a perfect (teen/tween) couple in my (limited, cuz inexperienced) view - and almost bought up this candy shop.

And now to the interesting part: I can proudly declare that I have dared to call the guardians of the law at least once in my life! (the other day) And it happened like so:

The guy from above was insanely loud! He or his pals came ringing at our door at around 10pm to either warn us of the party of his life going on or to invite us over. We didn't open.
At 12 I decided to watch Sherlock to fall asleep... only to awake at 1.30pm from the noise from above. Their singing along to 'Hit Me, Baby, One More Time' or 'Breaking free' (+ yelling, laughing and stomping) was actually louder than the movie!
Irritated I messaged my roommate who stayed awake to study, in vain as she could still hear the whole noise with all the toilet paper she had stuffed inside her ears.

After concluding that even though it must be his birthday (we sincerely hoped it was) and that it was too much and all goodwill aside, I gathered all my courage and dialled 911 ('hellooo? I wanted to ask what I should do if my neighbours are... err noise annoyance...'). That was at 2.30am or so. I was told a patrol would drop by within the next 30 min.
At 3.15 suddenly the music went off and it was dead silent! For a whole 15min we were guessing around about whether the police directly went to our party beast when at 3.30am the music started anew (among other's I got to enjoy hardcore techno with sirens!!) and we were sitting there on our beds dumbstruck, 'Does that actually mean we have to call the police again?' At this very moment (3.30am) our doorbell rang and it was the police officers telling us they crept throughout the house but weren't able to make out any noise from no one. (Oh very smart, they must have seen the police car and still be sober enough to turn off the music, only that 15min after nothing happened they turned it on again). We showed them the noise level inside our apartment and they went off the find them culprits again.
This time it stayed silent and I have a story to tell my grandchildren!!

Is this enough yadda? Indeed.
Chu, Ailing