How is procrastinating so.... I don't know.. hard to stop once you start?
I don't mind doing homework regularly when I'm doing it, but when I'm not doing it, I can't.



Like now....


So, we are moving... again. This is the 7th time? (didn't I count 7 times last time I checked?)
Anyway, so yeah, but this is probably the last time.


As always I'm super excited to decorate the new home, but this time (as I matured haha) I try to incorporate my parents' personal style (as far as they have one) into my concepts and also I tried to find a decor for me that would last for a long time.
I came to the conclusion that I wanted an ecclectic, English country, exotic mix for my parents and an ecclectic, boho, Scandinavian something for myself. This my sound impossible to create, but since when have I ever chosen to easy way.

As a true design freak, I have already planned through the complete hallway from door to plants, and the guest toilet (and part of the garden and the front yard and gate).
When it comes to design I'm a terrible absolute perfectionist, everything has to be perfect, I don't compromise (see my waste basket, around 60 bucks). I'd rather spent some extra bucks for a door knob then living with an ugly one, or if I can't find any that I like, then screw the door knob, better live w/o it.


Anw, moving is really fun, I hope everything turns out how I want it!!!

Firstly, I noticed that I really like photography, but I'm not any good.
I don't have an eye for the right motif (let alone lightning or whatever). I never seem to be able to capture the things the way I want them, I never get the angle right.

I guess I need more practice. But I don't often have the opportunity, too.



I had a talk about my problem of the last 2 posts before the last.
It is terrifying.

To think that you are condemned to a fucking stupid life that you hated since the beginning, but you don't dare to make a move and that's even your own fault.
No, it's sad, and I wouldn't want anyone to have to put up with such a prospect.

You constantly try to break out, but only so much, the most important and biggest move, without which everything else is useless, you just can't do.
And so everyday you face the very fate you absolutely fear most, fears of failure all the way and you need to drag along one more burden, which only holds you back... and you are stick with it for th rest of your life?


And then we thought of the friends of that person. Like why?
Obviously they must see the pain? Why do they chose to pretent like everything is rosy? I just can't....
Best friends they call each other, yet this one black cloud nobody wants to see.
Why?


It's so sad.
Although some things I absolutely don't like about this person, I think he is actually a good human. Who doesn't deserve any of this.
If at least his friends were not so ignorant, I don't get what their purpose is.

I refuse to understand it.
Nothing excuses such a situation.



I hope these are my last words about this topic for the time being.
One day I will say it right into his face.

I have thought about it (oh really? #bignews)
I definitely am overthinking, but heck, it's me and sometimes good things issue from my overthinking.

Also, me overthinking means, I am prone to read too much into things.
Yes, it's none of my business, but as it seems, it's noone's business, of noone who knows this person. So eat well and live well -
no, I don't mean it like that, just that, apparently this person's intention is to do whatever anyway~

So I decided to forget about all this crap.



On another note, I took this photo a few days ago and I find the editing quite pretty, right?
Just that I have no real outlet for it, except for twitter and my blog, because nobody I really know is following either.

I don't have anyone judging me actually, it's just that I myself find it over-exposed. (I need a tripod)
But one day or another I gonna set it as my cover, because it is pretty, right?

Those black things are not garters, btw. They are the halters of over-the-knees. I got them as a present from American Apparel.
Which is quite cool, cuz I wanted them anyway, BUT in completely nude. Apparently, you can only have so much of God's love.
Months later I realized, those things look like garters man, how am I supposed to wear that thang?
So this picture developped.

Btw Age of Ultron is quite good, I liked it much more than the first Avengers movie (which was quite bad imho).

(Btw as a matter of fact I'm wearing shorts on that pic haha)

可惜沒如果 - 林俊傑

I'm tired and I know I shouldn't be.


I have friend. Or
I don't even know if we are really friends.
We haven't spend much time together, but still - maybe this friendship means something to me?

Or actually maybe it doesn't, but it's just my personal unease.


I'm tired of wanting to help, but not knowing if I'm in any position to interfere and tired of people who play everything is fine, but simultaneously hinting that they have problems.
Like, what do you want man?

I'm so tired of these people; because not being able to voice one's true feelings is for me one of the greatest sufferings.
I'm naturally a person who likes to help others, especially with this kind of problems. I naturally want everyone around me to be happy.
So I'm really so so tired of knowing about their pains, but not being able to help.


I said I know I shouldn't be.
Maybe I'm not their friend and they don't want my help either, maybe I'm imagining all of this.
Maybe I should just straightforward force this friend to speak up. Maybe he'll be offended and wonder about what the fuck I want from them. Maybe they'll think there's more to it (How do you tell someone - who is not your future boss - that you simply like to help other people?).


I'm not stupid (at least I like to think so).
I know that this person has been avoiding me (right?). That's making it extra hard for me to approach him.
Do you know how tired I am of all these thoughts?
I'm super tired.

Maybe this person doesn't even feel like there's need for help. And I'm just overthinking shit.
I am overthinking shit. Always.

Even if he really has a problem, it's none of my business. Right, if I'm being avoided, why should I care, right?


I can't.
If it were anything else, job, debt, parents, I don't know - maybe I'd be able to ignore it, even if it affects the happiness of this person. But everything originated from one's inability to speak the truth is my personal pain.
And I can't avoid it.
I can't.



I wish for two things; that there's a way for me to help to find a solution.
Or that it's nothing.



No, maybe there's one more thing. I wish this person doesn't think of me as what-I-think-he-thinks-of-me.
Quite contrary to many people, I try my best to say what I think, or if it's impossible, to think what I say. But often it's hard to for others to believe in your words.




A part of me thinks about calling it quits.
I don't see any purpose in a relation in which the positions are so unclear or so uncertain for some. This all leads to nowhere.
What are we pretending to have?
If you don't trust me? If I have the feeling that you don't trust me? This is not a friendship. I just know you.

Bluffs.
It's tiring me out, too.
I don't want anything of this.

ah, but this is something I caused myself. And maybe, I'm the one who has to speak up.
Maybe I just sort this out for good.
Maybe all of this is not worth half a thought I just thought.



What do I want man?

No, I'm seriously tired. I am going to watch Avengers - Age of Ultron later this night.
Gotta catch some sleep~

2 issues and one prologue

I have this new app (that isn't that amazing) which let's you mix different nature sounds to create a relaxing atmosphere.
I have always loved this kind of thing even as a kid (which makes me kinda old), nice sounds make me feel so comfortable and at ease.
I had this study software back then with a virtual environment, one of the features I always used is to set a background sound.
My stable favourite is the sound of rain of course (and everything that comes with it; lightning, wind, etc). Generally I like everything with water; ocean waves, rivers, you name it.
I also liked the sound of a busy city life very much.
For some time - during my heavy depressive phase - I could die on the sound of birds singing, but now I'm quite OK with it.

Issue 1: FASTING

So as a result of my recent musings about conscious nutrition, I decided to go on a vegan, clean eating, low-carb, detox fasting before Easter, known as Lent.

I guess it's going to be quite hard, because I don't really have the opportunity to eat clean when I'm at home with my parents. But I will try my best.

I'm going to start with goop's '7 day detox' and then doing the clean, vegan, low-carb stuff for the rest of the time with a bit of detoxing in addition.

Already I am very curious about the results and can't wait to begin. I hope to share my daily experience on instagram.

Issue 2: BEING WRONGED

I have mentioned before, I grew up rather isolated and it's hard for me to deal with difficult social scenarios.

I'm a person of few, but strict principles. One of them is being true and open to avoid problems. For some people being too true or open can mean directly asking for problems, but I am very tolerant, and as long as I can relate to something, I forgive relatively easily. Or when that person is sincerely sorry.
I am also mostly not angry for a long time.

So how do you react when you are being wronged?
Do you just swallow it down?
Do you confront the other person with accusations and reproaches?
Do you get aggressive?
Do you stay calm, wait for a good moment and try to approach the subject diplomatically?

As for me, of course it's best when the opponent has the courage to see and admit to his faults and apologizes out of his own accord.
This would show me that the other person has a conscience, appreciates you and is trustworthy after all.

Even when you get back on a trustful relationship through your own approach, it always has the bitter smack of disappointment and doubt.

So anyway when sb has wronged me I don't like to let them get away with it, as I think it would hurt our relationship, even if ever so little.

I try to approach them creating an atmosphere of trust. Trust that they can be honest about their motives (be it that they were too lazy to pull me out of a burning car), that I will never judge them without listening to their story.

At the same time I can't be too soft - 'hey, I'm not angry, but why...' can't be the right start all the time, if it is at all. Being too soft is not only a sign of lacking self esteem, which eventually will show the wrong-doers that they can treat you the way they want, but it will leave you unsatisfied, too, because you haven't shown them how important and hurtful this issue is to you.
Plus you might force out only a half-hearted apology or worst - none at all, because the other sees no fault, when you are even not that upset. No fault, no guilt; he will just say anything to get over with it quickly or even chose to go along with your petty game and play it down to nothing.
Which is never the point. The point is to gain back trust and to integrate the happenings as a part of your relationship's story, as both parties use it to learn out of it through getting to know more about each other.

How to do that I wonder. It is very hard if you deal with an emotionally immature person (not that I'm terribly emotionally mature).

Lastly, not being able to conserve your anger over some time is quite unnerving. I have no problems about forgiving and forgetting if I know the background story and everything, but often I am too understanding.
Being a person with too many flaws myself, of course I tend to feel others better and am more ready to view things relaxed.
But then often something inside me tells me that this fault is actually a sign of lacking respect and appreciation and I can't possibly ignore it just like that.

So yeah, that's that.
I'm still no wiser than before.

Tristesse, Etude in E Major, Op. 10, No. 3 (Chopin) - Eleni Traganas

A New Year's Post after all.
I don't know... I'm actually over New Years, the spirit doesn't move my temper not at all. Is that realistic, killjoy-y, mature, I don't know...

I do know though, that having resolutions for a new year is stupid if you think that's already half of the work. New nothing, my ass.
I have long come to realize that a year was invited by some smart people back then to organize their work - when are the salmon here?, are the buffaloes moving?, sowing seeds now?, it's going be the be warm for the next 3 moons, etc - and to save their souls - winter ghosts, day of Odin, you name it.

Now tell me what this has to do with bettering oneself? Nada.


Still, we can't go from one extreme to the other. So I have rehabilitated New Years as a trivial, but useful event to trigger the High Self.
I mean we all need a turning point, right? If NY has the potential to change who we are, then that's a good thing. I only wish we realized that the rest of the year is actually equally potent.
Well, be that as it may, here are my poor intents for the new year (apart from losing weight and growing boobies, cf last post)

Consciousness

I want to be more aware of what I do, what I eat, what I buy, just how the heck I am passing my time here.
I have been on this trip for some time now, but never carved it in stone. I am just too passive about life and I want to change that, because I realized that being conscious about yourself will enlighten you and help you deal with or prevent problems.
Before improvement or maintenance takes place you have to be aware of your situation first, this is where it all begins. Even if you are living a bad life, if you realize your situation it will help you understand it better and will make you feel more at ease, because you see through what is going on. And even if you chose to stay like that, because you have consciously made a decision and know the consequences.
I find this much more efficient than always groping around in the dark, never realizing that you are just floating through time and space, not more than a plaything of your environment. And efficiency is the the be-all and end-all of my life. I hate things which are not efficient and 100% purposeful, starting from the organisation of your drawer to the choice of your washing machine. Why wasting so much life?

I have been living with this kind of mindset for a long time, but haven't expanded it to all aspects of life.
So for this year I plan to find more about how I spend/ waste my time (I'm really good at that) and try to improve that. Additionally I want to relate my actions more to nature and act more ecological. I am still trying to avoid plastic, but not very successfully...
I also want to eat more consciously, which means I am trying to view low-carb as a way of life, rather than a temporary mean to lose weight.
And I want to shop less, it is getting out of hand. But maybe I have improved a bit.




In relation to that, recently I really fancy books. Not that I really want to read, but somehow, books really fascinate me.
I went to a book store and skipped through the cookbooks (everytime I diet I am hungry for recipes...), to my surprise there was no vegan book which was hipster or stylish enough. Not that I want to be vegan, I couldn't care less about animals or my physical health, but I am somehow interested in what health benefits vegans fondly hope to get. And I might try to go vegan for the Lent fasting period.


Chu, Ailing

This is not a New Year's post.
Wait, it might be one.
Read, and judge for yourself.


So I might or might have not told you about my terrible illness, ok it's a syndrome - PCO syndrome.
Basically, I have too many male hormones (I did blog about this, right?)

I recently went to check with my gynaecologist again, who told me that I don't really have to do anything against it, since it doesn't really affect the quality of my life.
But I want to be on the pill ㅋㅋ
Not because I gt bf mah, but because I have massive hair loss (!!!) - lost about 1/3 of my hair liao, there used to be a time when I could hardly wrap a elastic two times around my entire hair, now can three times already!!!! - and n000 tits.

So she prescribed the pill to me, but still have to wait for quite some time till I can start.
More hair, more tits (/cough), less pimples!!!!
I only hope that I won't gain weight.


Also on a side note, it's really cool to have gfs who are practically further experienced in bf things than me.
I can be very blur and ask them all sorts of things, don't need to inform myself ㅋㅋ Or they will give me advise w/o me asking.
Also I can learn from them w/o having to experience things myself.

There's this quote by Confucius:

By three methods we may learn wisdom:
First, by reflection, which is noblest;
Second, by imitation, which is easiest;
and third by experience, which is the bitterest.

I guess I'm talking about imitation, while my gf take the 3rd way.


Ok that's already it.
I kinda mean that a new period is (hopefully) starting in my life, which is the NY's spirit.


Chu, Ailing

I absolutely need me a stylish system camera.
I hate to be travelling (from my house to school /cough) and not being able to take pictures of everything. Everything is beautiful! /threatens you with pink rose petals and air kisses
I can't drag my DSLR with me everywhere, plus it would look stupid.

Right now I'm driving through foggy forests and I just love the plain, austere rawness of the landscape and how the fog makes it appear so sinister. Apart from that, forests are cool, at least since hipster. No make that romanticism - basically the same by the way.

Anyway I'm as broke as a person without money can be. I have spent my last money on Christmas presents (cf this post) - oh and Black Friday - and now I'm free.
I got my younger brother a calendar with pictures from the Hubble telescope, which are pretty amazing and will add a NASA tee (ok you got me, not as broke as broke as in broke but on my way). He's the universe-nerd, so I think the present is quite good.
For my parents I got one hell of a Japanese rice cooker, the Zojirushi Micom Rice Cooker & Warmer NS-TSC18 . My mother wanted one forever, which I only remembered recently, when I went shopping for Japanese tea mugs and the rice cookers had me at 'hullo'.
My father will additionally get a book on his birthday shortly after the new year.
Then I need one for my older brother as well, I'm thinking a scarf, but need to consult with my mother.
Apart from that it's my cousin's birthday next week. What to get? I'd get him tickets for Sam Smith if I'd know his schedule.
Then got my friends but since they might read this I cannot share. Except for one who wanted a water bottle, and boy! she's lucky I dug water bottles some time ago, so I can ensure a tasteful choice (everything is beautiful - not).

So anyway I don't have any money to buy a new camera. I can only hope my mother will get one. Then I will be a very good girl and beg to lend it from her ㅠ

Topic change: I don't really know how to wrap my presents this year. Last year I had white paper with parcel twine and fir branches. And tiny chocolate santas stuck to them.
This year I have already wrapped the huge calendar (mind you, it was only the 4th) in the brown stuffing paper Amazon uses to fill their card boxes. Admittedly, the paper is absolutely rumbled, but everything is - wait for it - beautiful. And may I add, hipster.
I also brilliantly upcycled my file cards to fancy 'deck the halls'- name tags/ greeting cards.
Heck I only need a concept name for this and it's official.
No but I don't want to do the white thing again, am not ready for the black chalkboard style and don't know how to properly do the parcel style. I might add black name tags to my parcels though. Plus I have some gold, glitter paper left. Can I mash all that up to a something?

Anyway, I'm still very sad I don't have a small pro-ish camera (and a scarf and gloves), so now I will feel very sad and miserable reading the kinfolk (full of pretty images).
Blame the kinfolk for everything. Everything is beautiful.

Chu, Ailing

My uncle has died (some time last week).
All my life I haven't really been able to feel empathy.
I also didn't really know my uncle. I have met him twice and may have spoken to him not even once.
And his health has never been good for all I know.

I'm trying to imagine my mother's feelings. It must be really painful to lose someone so suddenly when he has lived with you all your life. And how shocking must this be as a sudden reminder of your own end.
A band of siblings broken so abruptly.

What kind of present buyer are you?
I think in the recent edition of the Harper's Bazaar a bunch of editors and other staffers talked about their gifting habits.
I don't understand what's so special about people who put a lot of thoughts into their presents. Shouldn't that be rule?

Those who know me know that I absolutely love gifting. They say giving is more enjoyable than receiving, I'm not sure if I can attest to that (imho receiving is superb, too), but as for me, I love to give others a treat.

When I want to give someone a present I must definitely make my utmost efforts to find the perfect present, this can be quite a frustrating task.
People define the perfect present differently, for a (Asian) parent it might be the most beneficial thing, for grandparents it might the thing their grandchildren want the most, for some it is something that is useful, for others it's something funny and entertaining or something unique.
For me it's the perfect mixture of everything: a present must fit to the occasion (Christmas, birthday, graduation, wedding, expression of thanks, just-so, etc), it must fit to your relation in terms of price and nature (brother, parents, (best) friend, teacher, staff, etc) and it would be best if it's something the presentee both really likes and 'needs'.
There are thing which people 'need' or can make use of, but have never thought of, if something like that is your present combined with a liking then you can be sure that your present will be a very nice surprise!
I love that kind of present the most!!

Certainly I never go for the easy or cheap way. I think that defies the purpose of a present. If you gift then with love.
That also applies to gift wrapping. Forgive me if I sound terribly unrealistic, but I also love to wrap gifts uniquely playfully.
As well as writing and cards.
Ah the whole process of gifting!!! I sound awfully cheesy ㅋㅋ


But as I said it's not easy. I'm thinking about what I could get for my mother. I tried to find clothes for her, but she doesn't really has a certain taste ㅋㅋ
Also she is a kind of Spartan person and doesn't really like to accept gifts. But if all fails I get her an anti-aging product.

Presents for my father are relatively easy. He likes everything educational regarding politics in Asia. So I can just get him books.

As for my younger brother, it's quite easy, too. For I practically nourished his taste. He likes everything unique and special, he's a typical hypebeast. And he likes DC and the universe ㅋ

My older brother is a kind trouble. He also likes unusual things, but I don't know what exactly. I have a feeling he would even like some useless junk, like fancy mugs or so.....



What kind of presents do you like to buy? I'm curious.
Chu, Ailing

Elegy No.1 (ft. Science Teheran) - Carl Young

• Cristalle Chanel
• necklace, rings H&M
• bangle Forever 21
• Volume 7 Cereal magazine x COS
• bed linen H&M

• necklace H&M
• wicked essie

gown Urban Outfitters shorts adidas by Stella McCartney boxing gloves Alexander Wang x H&M sandals Zara

Avoado*, 21 weeks old

VW2430 BenQ

Bits and bobs of news.

Ever since I went to live on my own I started to get interested in planting.
When I was a kid my parents had many plants and I couldn't really understand nor share their fondness of plants in any way.
I had decided that only adults could find any 'fun' in something as boring and unexciting as growing plants. It didn't help either that I found flowers stink.
Nevertheless I had always liked the nature, trees and forests, the sea and mountains and all those romantic things.
Now that I grew older I like how plants bring a bit of colour and nature into a home. But that's not the only thing.
Growing plants seems to stimulate some maternal instincts. Or how else do you explain that my roommate and I swoon all too often over our babies, worrying whether they are sick, have enough light and love, thinking about names* and squealing with delight when they grow their first leaf ('Oh my god, four months ago you were only a pip!!' /tears) Heck, we even go and buy them nice pots so they'll look good!
*

I fancy Alucard. I mean Alucard(o), the avocad(o).

I'm not a jewellery person. In 6th or 7th grade I used to stack on bangles like my life depended on it. I also bothered to wear earrings and necklaces.
But I grew out of bothering with those things and also bangles are quite impractical. I am simply not a person of whom adorning oneself is a part of (is that a sentence). On a daily basis I don't wear any form of jewellery (not even my prescribed glasses (Y)), although I and probably many other girls constantly plan to do so.
I especially like the trend of stacking on rings (stacking ftw?), but never had 'enough money' to buy a gazillion of rings. Especially because I'm not fond of fashion jewellery at all (an aftermath of those teen years).
But for a special occasion my dress seemed too simple so I bought a few accessories to pimp my outfit. I liked all the bling and the expensive look of my bejewelled hands yo! Although sadly I lost a ring that night. Damn you jewellery!!


I also started to collect magazines. Magazines are things that I have always liked. Their glamorous covers promised life improvement at a max, so being able to afford a magazine now and then was always a special treat.
I am nearly desperate about buying every issue of the Harper's Bazaar which is only available in Germany since this year.
And if you are into hipster things, you sure have heard of the Cereal and/ or the Kinfolk. Both are sophisticated lifestyle magazines, which help to discover the world around us.
And I have yet to find out if it's a presumptuous or cultivated affair.
But while I'm note sure I'll just enjoy reading them, being impressed with the beautiful images and marvel over the interesting articles.


Other than that, excuse for the massive show-off (of what I wonder?)
I bought this fantabulous swooshy dramatic gown last weekend to whoosh around my homely grounds and I love it! I look like a mixture of mysterious geisha, scary ghost of a vengeful widow and sexy Victoria secret vixen (ok not) or as A. said a housewife who's about to seduce her son's best friend... pui!!
Anyway I paired the boxing gloves with it in order to play with the image of a boxer, did you somehow notice? #fail
I even added the necklace to add some (belt) glory...
Anyway the boxing gloves are from the Alexander Wang x H&M collab and I'm not sure about how popular they really are, but I succesfully managed to purchase them! Yay me!!!
They are only hanging around though, I never intended to use them anyway.


Chu, Ailing

Mi Amor - 赤西 仁

Aftermath of Alexander Wang x H&M.
I can literally hear the cinematographic silence, smell the smoke, the dust, the soot in the air, as an undistinguishable noise gets first imperceptibly then clearly louder, coughs, mournings and cries of the wounded and those who have lost.
Through the smoke I start to make out creatures that had forgotten and now remember that they once were humans, crawling on the floor, staggering away, scattered to the four winds.

Some are holding onto their last treasures, leftovers from the great war that they gathered from the battleground, when the victorious had long left, leaving only unwanted trash behind.

Or something like this...

She woke up this morning to a perfectly silent room, even the clock was removed for the ticking sound made it even harder for her to sleep.
6.30 am.
Nothing was unusual, everything was the same as when she went to bed the day before. Half asleep she look around her room.
But then it suddenly hit her. It was announced for today at 10 am sharp.
They proclaimed a fight. They proclaimed a battle. Everywhere. Here in the middle of the city. You VS
The big thing.
The ultimate something.



So I was reloading H&M's site for nearly 2 hours to no avail. Starting from 10 to 10am mind you!!!
Why are people even visiting the site before the announced time?
(Like me? Just to check? Are you...? Really?)



Anyway, I had started to agonize over what I should get yesterday, and after thinking everything through I decided that I needed the towels, and wanted the boxing gloves and could use the men's sweater or gift it to my brother.
I don't know what magic internet other people possess but by the time I could shop in somewhat purpose-serving manner (every 10th reload would bring forth content!!) the sweater had sold out...
WHAT? a menswear item?
Seriously men get a bit too diva/ gay-ish these days....


I somehow managed to accidentally buy two sets of towels (dafuq) which I only realized minutes later. I went back to play Swedish roulette once more and successfully added the gloves to my haul.
(But H&M is really cool, they let you edit your shopping after placing an order, and even add new items to that order and don't create a new order with extra shipping!!!!!)


A bit sad about the sweater, because my bro surely needs some stuff, but oh well... I am victorious enough!!!
I hope the things arrive before I leave on Thursday next week~


Do you like green or black olives more? I love the black ones
Chu, Ailing

You you are definitely getting really old when all you want for birthday is nothing.
No, wait, let's see...


No, really nothing.
Aaahh money, gimme all your money.


Ok, so here's a really desperate attempt to save my childhood by putting up a wishlist~ Oh my!
(unfortunately that doesn't mean I pick a bunch of pink plushes or glitter pens, too - Mission failed)

for a grown-up and disillusioning start a little riddle involving very much logical adult thinking: winter is coming, I don't own any serious scarf since I grew out elementary school, it's going to be cold I NEED A SCARF pictured: Acne Canada grey melange	A white shearling black leather moto jacket that is. The ONLY jacket I like so far, cuz really I'm a coat-addict. But I'm obsessed with this jacket. pictured: Acne Velocite
	I don't need another bag. But I wouldn't say 'No' to this classic, yet girly pop of colour to make monochrome less monochrome. pictured: The Cambridge Satchel Company Satchel in Peach Pink
Another thing I don't need. Perfumes are still too adultly for me. But after my friend and I pinpoint this fragrance to be like the flavour of avocado shake, I think IF I'd were to express my youthfulness with a scent, it would be Daisy. pictured: MARC JACOBS Daisy Eau de Toilette Lastly, a wish that counts as a child's wish: these absolutely stunning shining silver brushes by Queenie Chan (my idol). Also 'The patented handle is made of aluminium and it can be used for facial massage' for some of them. pictured: SO brushes by SO by Queenie Chan

Give Love - Akdong Musician

A little something I recalled during last night!
First of all paiseh for being so self-absorbed all the time , I really should blog about Ebola or Jonghoon, but alas, this space is only intended for me, me and me.


The reason why the degree of self-absorbed shit varies is because I think I spam 90% of it on twitter. Which is not good. Takes away my blogging material.
So I will stop writing so much on twitter but more here.

Enough!



So I remembered that -
Ok really damn paiseh, let's pretend this happened really a long time ago. Really long time. Like the life before last
Or better we will pretend that it didn't happen yet. Maybe in 6 lives it will happen. (But I'm in my 8th life now so I can still talk in the past form).

A and I were sitting on a certain bridge. With a friend.
We were wearing heels and sitting on this higher (and wide) platform thing which spans along the bridge.

You know climbing up that platform is no biggie with heels. You just jump and then prop yourself with your hands/arms and turn around (or if your arms are too weak/ you can't jump high enough you 'climb' along the wall a bit, works with heels). I know a shitty explanation, just imagine how you get out a pool (without a ladder).

The problem is when you want to get down. You have to jump. But how would risk to jump down with heels? Confirm break your ankles!!!
You could put off your heels of course, but that's really too much + the floor also kinda dirty.

Ok, so this friend helped my friend down (I don't think any of us agreed to have him help us despite having no other option to get down).
The thing with me is - people who know me for some time know it - I can't be touched anywhere around my waist.
I am sensitive as fuck there. I will scream, gasp very loudly and dramatically or maybe the worst gasp-moan (which hasn't happen in a long time /touch wood).

So let's say you are my friend (female) and a guy would help you down this platform. How?
Of course the guy will have to grab you around your waist and lift you down right?
I was wearing a crop top. But hey! I survived being lifted down, that's not what I wanted to talk about.


The thing is that when I 'touched down' I fucking stumbled
Which to this date I find very embarrassing. Like my friend (at least seemed to) landed fine with no problems. The way it should be. He lifted her down and there she stood. From A to B.
I absolutely too stupid to stand. How could I not manage to just keep my feet straight so that I could be placed on the ground just like that?!
Maybe that was due to the suddenness of being forced to be grabbed at my waist and lifted down.

Then yesterday night I noticed that actually the girl stumbles. Right? The girl always stumbles! And then fall against the guy's chest somemore.
Luckily that didn't happen due to my quick reaction and my embarrassment of not being able to simply stand.

But the point is, it is - in a twisted way - not right if I had stood firmly, but I should have rather dunno fainted hahahahaha.



I find it funny that it seemed so absolutely embarrassing to me at first, but now I realize, you can also see it differently.
Some girls stumble on purpose what? (I'm thinking Sailor Moon) (I love Rei + Mamo-chan).
In stories it might seem somewhat romantic, but in real life it is very unglam I mean stumbling is not gracious.


To end this ridiculous entry a scene from the making off of Akdong Musicians Give Love MV:
the girl has to act like she's tripping out of that merry-go-round carriage oh-so-accidently into her crushes arms~ aahh~
but she just can't ㅋㅋ very cute!
And that proves that I am right, stumbling is desirable! My life is like a music video! All girls should stumble!!



Chu, Ailing

Let's see if I can blog with a tablet. 

Over the weekend I'm at my parents' and now I realize that I have nothing to do.

Except that I can blog. (or sleep)

An unsettling story.

Came up with this shit the other day.

Once upon a time there was a boy. Everyone loved him as he was always laughing and made people laugh with his cuteness. Although his family was poor he was a happy child.

But he couldn't do very well in school, because unfortunately he wasn't very smart and finally dropped out. On that day he tried to find a job, but nobody wanted to hire him because he had no degree. 

Weeks past and still the boy didn't manage to find work. He started to drink and wasted the little money he had left gambling. 

The old restaurant owner of the small restaurant not far from the boy's house pitied the boy. He was still young and shouldn't waste his life.

One day he went to offer the boy to become a dishwasher at his restaurant. Not that he necessarily needed one or could really afford it, but he just wanted to give the boy something to do. 

Once the boy started to work he was changed. He stopped drinking and doing nonsense all together and became the best and most responsible employee of the old man. Although he only washed the dishes, he took extreme pride in his job and always gave his best. All the other workers there, the old woman at the bar, the granddaughter of the old man who was a waitress and even the dog who was always lying next to the entry, everyone was fond of him. He was not very clever, but very cheerful and nice to everyone and had other good qualities as well, like being very modest.

Often they would tease him, 'Why don't you buy new shoes huh? You want to save money until become millionaire?' But the boy just smiled and didn't answer.

It was true that he didn't spend the little money he earned for anything. He didn't need much as he had always been poor. Food and drinks were already provided by the good people at the restaurant. 

Time past and one day as the boy looked at all his savings he found that he had to give back something to the old restaurant owner to express his deep gratitude. 

He worked harder than ever and it became his greatest wish to repay the old man, who was good to him.

He started to brood on a good present for him, something that would be useful and make his life easier. 

Then finally the boy had saved enough money to buy the present he had thought off. 

He went to the big department store and returned with a dishwasher. 

LOL

Yes I know the story is very retarded. 

Talking about money. 

A few months ago I ordered this lamp. Well those who read that certain blog entry know that I'm obsessed with neon lights.

I bought 3 Seletti neon letters - XXX. As Seletti does designer,  the letters are seriously overpriced. One costs around 55 but you also need a transformer for around another 55 bucks. This would make my lamp 200+ already. 

But I got mine for around 130 only as I chanced upon this offer by monoqi. Or not.

Cuz that was end of May. And the lamp was supposed to be shipped around the beginning of July. 

Well, nada. I mailed and spammed their Facebook without any reply. I cursed them on twitter to no avail.

I filed a report in PayPal. 

Finally someone responded telling me they would send my parcel. It never arrived (I think it either doesn't fit into the PO box thing or idk I didn't went to pick it up because I never received a SMS to do so). Anyway the status of the tracking never was 'received', so eventually PayPal returned my money. 

At that time I couldn't care less, since I also didn't want the lamp anymore if it's really so troublesome. 

Then suddenly mid September I receive a mail from the shop telling me they shipped the parcel but it got returned and if my address was correct or do I want to change it.

???

Of course I change one lar,  can get the lamp for ZERO money! (I was staying at my parent's so change to their address).

They send again, but it also never arrive! Fucking unable can?! I message asking whether tracking lags (read 'shipment order received' or so forever) and they tell me it was returned again and they gave me wrong tracking number also.... ccb

So yes the lamp was shipped out again and this time I finally received it. wtf

But I got for free la so actually cannot complainㅋㅋ

A 200 bucks lamp for fucking free!!!!

Next week I ask my bro to mount for me! Woohooo~

Shall take pics.

Talking abt my bro, he actually made me change my fb do pic! 

Unfortunately... most unfortunately I cannot hate on disabled people in humongous electric wheelchairs who use public transport.
But I do.


Of course they are as entitled as anyone to use buses or trains (hey! they don't seem to use trains WTF), but it is so goddamn annyoing!!!

The extra effort the bus drivers have to make in order to heave them and their fucking wheelchair in - and out.
And the inconvenience caused to all the other passengers...


Today I was driving home after a kinda long day.
It is autumn, thus somewhat cold, but then again today was quite sunny, thus warm.

I was tired because of both and just wanted to enjoy some peace until I reach home.
Ha!

A fat (yes, that matters) older, unkempt (yes, that matters, too) disabled woman in an electric wheelchair also got inside the bus.
And after her a grandma with a rollator (I hate those! Do they even make sense?!) entered and her rollator's wheels got entangled with the back wheels of the electric wheelchair, which woman 1 (W1) only parked half-way intelligently. Means, she parked very space-consuming and not neatly along the window.
So of course when the grannie wanted to squeeze into the too-tiny space behind W1 she pushed her rollator into the wheelchair.
With the obstinacy and lacking motor abilities of precisely a grandma she fought a silent fight with W1 whose back she was facing.
So W1 of course didn't get anything of that (and couldn't care less I guess) while she kinda tried to manoeuvre her fucking sensitive (not) wheelchair into a better position - in vain.

And all that while an Arab family with 3 young kids and a buggy with another kid were waiting outside to get in.
Which they even managed.


That makes 3 people with a vehicle in a vehicle.
KNNCCB!!!



It is plain ridiculous how space-consuming and absolutely nerve-racking it is to take public transport when you are so immobile!!!


A few stops later another person with an electric wheelchair wanted to enter!
WTF!!!

Of course the person can't enter by himself, he needs the bus driver to array a ramp!
But then, is there even enough space?

Of course people will shuffle around inefficiently and inconclusively for 4 hours until one overly sensitive person found it would be wiser to move further in and not clog the entrance.
Therefore space was created.
And the fourth wheeled person entered.



Now imagine the same funny game backward when someone (of course that someone could only be W1 or grannie, since they are both the furthest inside, otherwise it would be no fun) of those wheeled persons wants to alight.

FML, the fucking pain.

W1 wanted to get out and after everyone alighted (the Arab family was especially fast-minded and alighted quite quickly, while a young woman refused to do so for.. a decade and moved around the entrance area only to be pushed by other people, who couldn't decide if they should alight or not).
This time round it was W2 who didn't leave enough space for her to manoeuvre her enormous conveyance, so she again inefficiently moved to and fro... knn


People who looked upon that scene felt how their youth faded away under the blazing sun burning on their back.
When finally all hope was gone the bus driver grabbed the wheelchair and tried to pull it out with the last of his remaining strength, without avail.
Little did he know, that, alas!, the wheelchair was once again tangled up with grannies rollator.

Only due to the wondrous workings of the gods and the work of 423 invisible pixies did he finally, finally managed to pull the woman out.



'Wow, travelling with public transport is sooo convenient and fast!!', think the disabled people on wheels.
I decided to get off one stop earlier (without any problems!) and walk instead.




So fucking annoying!
Since I cannot forbid disabled people, families with babies and old grannies to use public transport, I can only wish for the wheelchair people to have nice family who would drive them around!
Which of course they haven't cuz they are selfish and grumpy, so they have no one who would care for them and also so they wouldn't behave very social on the bus and make space, THUS I can hate them!
I guess they are bitter, but they aren't more entitled to travel on public transport than any other person who bought a ticket and is on the bus!!

Only because they are disabled doesn't mean that other people have to squeeze and push themselves in the last edges of the bus so that they would have their 'for the disabled place'.
It is too hard for them to travel else way?

Well, people in electric wheelchairs don't even need to strain one muscle to move around!!!

And I don't mind others that much, since people with prams or buggies, or people in normal wheelchairs are quite agile.
Only that most people with prams, etc are fucking slow-minded immigrants, who take forever to realize that they need to moove!

And old people with rollators? I highly doubt that rollators have any use at all.
They just render old people even more immobilised than they already are!!
This four-wheeled joke of a prop can't be any good to lean against right? Wouldn't it just roll forward?
So the only thing to prop onto it would be directly from above or not? But then, how to walk meh?
'K', you argue, 'but then they can use it to sit onto whenever they need to rest!'
Bullshit, when they are already weak and scared of walking how are they gonna turn around to sit on the seat? And I have witnessed countless of times how painful it is to turn and sit, always wondering why they are even doing this shit when they are clearly going through too much efforts for a comparatively small win...

'K, but at least can store shopping?' Other sort of carts can also transport shopping what? And those that can be pulled are for more convenient!!! That's why people pull and don't push trolleys!!!


And the people on electronic wheelchairs?
If you think they are too weak to push normal wheelchairs you are very wrong!
Those who could be too weak are only old people, but have you ever seen old people in those monstrous things? No, because they don't have the slightest idea how such a vehicle could be steered!
Hence the ones who use those are younger people who are just too fucking lazy to move their remaining moveable body parts! FML...
This is not what we call appreciative or life-affirming!
And a person who does not appreciate life should just go die!!!

Yes lah, don't be so inconsiderate and piss everyone else off and use public transport! Tax money somemore!!!


Or is it that their whole purpose in life is to make people at least a bit miserable like them?!
Ah, just go die.




Regarding to what I wrote last post, I have yet another reason to love Singaporean busses and abso-fucking-lutely hate German ones! Urgghh!!!
Chu, Ailing

P/S: I go clean my room now

The recent entries are all fucking boring (as opposed to the non-recent ones I like to think). So I don't know why anyone should read.

As one who reads must have noticed though, I am reading through Xiaxue's archives.
Fucking good stuff. I won't repeat myself.


And it's so funny that I can relate to so much stuff.
I don't know.

She and her life are so different from me but then again so many similarities, she could be my soul-cousin (lol.. soul-sister can't cuz really have some huge differences).



Anw, yesterday I wrote about some very random entry where she mentioned she was taking bus 176.
Do you know these moments when a certain really trivial something triggers the memory of a whole atmosphere, a distinct feeling back to your life?

The word bus 176 was such a something. Immediately I remembered my bus rides in Singapore and with that memory some more details which I haven't realized and only see now.

I miss Singaporean buses. (this is he 3rd time I'm saying it). Yes the fucking buses.
I miss waiting for them to come without knowing if and when they are going to arrive.
I miss the timetables which I can't and couldn't bother to understand (thus I don't know when they arrive).
I miss the old-fashioned interior, the seats.
I miss sitting there, chilling on the seats, not knowing where we are fucking headed to, just driving forever through half of Singapore.
Not giving a slight fuck about anything.
No worries until we finally arrive.*

*Note: I was so clueless because friends had the pleasure of racking their brains organizing our transport hahaha
Ok, I might just miss being a careless bitch



Oh yeah and then another thing from her blog:

Typical conversation

Beautiful Saturday afternoon, three recruits with 2 or 3 girls in an outing with them.

A: Hey, Pegasus' bunk there got green fungus growing on the edge of the door or not?

B: Siao! Cheebye! (dont know why recruits love vulgarities. Nearby, a girl grimaces as her privates [parts, not the rank] get mentioned but B ignores her) of course have lah! The fungi grow like fungi like that. Don't know why the door's edge everytime got fungi.

C: Chun boh? My officer kao peh so much, make us do pumping. Down 1,000, siao, think we super hero. After that must do 65 click somemore.

A: Is it! Then I lucky la, mine only make us do burpees.

Girl A, B, C: BURPEES!?

All guys: *ignore* *gives each other "They don't know one lah" look*

Ok I don't know any guys who stay in camp.. Ok I do know, but we don't talk about camp.
Which is not the point.

The point is (omg the point, my blog only revolves around the point wtf), everyone (girl) will know this situation where boys act like they are almighty because they are talking about something which girls don't know one la.

And I hate that situation! Why must act like that...
There are girl topics that boys don't have any clue of either. What's a highligher/ blending/ etc brush?
Downward facing dog? Urban Decay Naked palette? (so much make-up...)


But we aren't deliberately discussing such things with people around who would have no idea what we are talking about right?
Which brings me back to the point that guys and girls are different after all.

Also it's cooler to be a guy. You (can) act like that.
That's why I find that girls should definitely grow up with a brother (and vice versa I guess).
It's really practical to be a guy, you learn about a lot more useful things in life; jailbreak, torrents, file sharing, fixing computer, ad block, cars (ok, not cars, but imagine we would, we'd be much more confident dealing with cars), idk...

So yeah I'm grateful I didn't grow up as a girly girl.


Back to the point which was that guys feel very superior when they can treat girls like we are very blur...
There exist girls who find that equally amusing I guess, like shu nus?
They like to be in that weaker position so they would please the guys by confirming their lower rank.

What? I have never been and don't want to be that kind of girl.
I never play along (ok maybe at times, but never the most entertaining way for the guys which I guess would be something like nagging the dudes to explain or over-enthusiastically discussing with the girls what burpees could be wtf), if the guys think they can act cool, I can do that, too... Ignore.


Which doesn't earn me many brownie points (boys are dumb - I'm contradicting myself I know), and therefore the silly shu nus will earn more /rolls eyes
Seriously, for fuck?!


I hate pretentious demeanour, I don't see why anyone has to act like sth they aren't to kiss sb's ass!

I will never play along, you can jolly well play that stupid game among yourself.
Like I have nothing better to do.


Fuck shu nus, why can anyone be so cheap?!
Urrggh! I hate cheap, stupid and weak people the most!


Even if that means all guys will hate me I will never fucking act like I'm damn cute, very helpless or dumb or any damsel-in-distress-way so the guy will feel very shiok and mighty and hit on me.
Just fuck someone else, thanks!


Chu, Ailing

I have kind of a new obsession (not that new since it developed over the years, but yeah... 'new').
If anyone waited for the sequel of the previous blog post... Sorry.
I just can't be arsed to blog about it, because it's too long. And thus too annoying to try to think about which parts should be left out.



So my newest obsession is... treating my body well.
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ That's sounds wrong.

But anyway...

I guess for most of us we don't naturally grow up treating our bodies well.
I mean, we mostly grow up with very functioning bodies that do everything we went without getting tired so why should we worry?

Only through the years does our body become stupid. Stupid as in... crooked teeth? Neurodermatitis? Pimples? Cellulite? Obesity? 10000s of problems...


Of course none of these kill us and we grew up not giving a fuck so we bear with all these.


Well, not anymore.
At least me.



Thanks to my mother who forced me to get my teeth fixed. The 2nd time.
Only afterwards did I acquire the hatred for my less-perfect-before-teeth so that now I can appreciate more-perfect-after-teeth.
Same story with my complexion. Ok it got really worse and I'd have probably gone to see a doctor on my own, but now that it's much much better again I am so grateful in hindsight and wouldn't want to live with all those pimples from my past.

It is funny how present problems don't seem to suck as much. But when you later look back at them or see people who are having the same troubles but are equally indifferent towards them as you used to be you can't understand their behaviour for the life of you.
I think that's a good example for human haughtiness... (but that's another point).



Anyway so these two things then finally showed me that I should tackle everything that I now feel slightly irritate me, because I will only know how much better it feels afterwards.


Right now I'm getting 3 warts removed (oh just stop reading you haha).
I've had them for years. I don't know how many. On the sole of my feet.

Now they don't hurt (yet), but they always made me feel so conscious about my feet when everyone else has tender baby feet.

And btw plantar warts can be really dangerous when they grow deep enough to reach your bones you probably won't ever get rid of them and it will hurt like mad.
But you can try to cut them out which will cause you to loose a shitload of blood, die half-a-very-painful-dead and have them come back, more painful than ever.
Luckily mine don't seem that deep yet. I tried to freeze them once, but it didn't work.
So I went to get it done professionally.

They use cold nitrogen to spray onto your wart and it's somewhat painful after all.
In the beginning it's just cold, after a few seconds you feel a sharp stinging pain like needles would poke into your feet.
Luckily the treatment only lasts half a minute or so and soon after that it's ok-ish to walk again.


Now, I'm just hoping for the darn things to fall off.....



But then my feet also have some calluses which I want to get rid off.
I blame my too small feet compared to my body height for causing those. And my parents for making me walk to school for a week when I was younger (during that week I got those calluses, I remember til now). Oh and maybe dancing... ㅋㅋ



What I'm saying is, if there's anything about your body which bothers you in the slightest, do something about it.
Remove that mole, cut out that weir bump right above your eye.. Whatever. Do it.
And thank me later ㅋ


Chu, Ailing

너 아니면 안되는 걸 - SHINee

I noticed that lately I tend to only focus on the bad things. Which is so not me?
At times I'm thinking, 'What good thing has ever happened to me?' Whereas 'good thing' is sth link winning the Noble Price without really deserving it.
...

Ok I guess such things don't happen at all. But how about 'winning 1,000,000 $$$'?

Even those things don't happen too often, even less to my peers. (I could still add 'being scouted/ casted', 'marrying a star/millionaire', etc)

So I realize where the fuck do you take those frigging standards from? 'good things' happen like to nobody.
And it makes me feel like a damned spoiled brat who wants to work for nothing, but thinks she deserved everything.


And indeed in my life so far I have never really exhausted myself for anything and everything always worked out the way I wanted.

You could say that I had everything.

And now I'm more or less expecting things to continue like this, but with bigger goals. Which is plain ridiculous.
So I should stop my whining, like seriously



So in this post I shall focus on the good things that happened to me that I tend to ungratefully shove away too easily.

1. I WON A GIVE-AWAY

Which really is one of those things that don't happen too often to anyone. I guess it is even a 'good thing'.
And it's not really a lousy give-away, but a YSL give-away by my idol the awesome Shini from Park&Cube.

In case you are too lazy to check, I won 5 YSL Rouge Pur Couture The Mats lipsticks (must spell out the long-ass names to savour it...), 1 YSL Le Teint Touche Éclat foundation and 1 YSL La Laque Couture nail polish.

The nail polish couldn't be sent to me due to idk shipping restrictions or so I was given the Pixi Flawless Finishing Powder. (Which is a shame actually, but hey, we deserve nothing and I love the powder!!)

I also love how YSL products smell! Ever since I got my first YSL lipgloss back in the days I have been loving this YSL scent~


I was asked by my friends to share the lipsticks with them. And even though you can't say that I am a greedy person at all (at least not regarding gifts, etc) I think I can't share them with anyone.
Because for one, it would defy the purpose of making me happy if I were to give away the shades I like and keep the more difficult to wear dark shades. On the other hand it would be stupid to give away the darks shades too and only keep the ones that are 'good' (Right now I realize, that I'm not sure if I had asked to share if I knew my friend had won sth similar).

So I have decided to keep all the lipsticks and to share them with my mother. This is good, because I feel I can't do enough good things for her, she likes and needs expensive make-up only and she won't use the stuff anyway hahaha
I will also give her the foundation, because I still have my Lancôme one and she wanted one and it isn't my skin tone, too
I will also offer to give her the powder because I also still have my MAC powder.


Am I not nice or am I nice not?

2. I LOST AND HAD MY PURSED RETURNED

That not good Engrish.

I was shopping with my mother and for the first time in my life I completely forgot about my purse in the fitting room.
Only an aeon later did I realized it. My mother was professional enough not to freak out and we asked the salesladies. But nobody had seen one or had been give a purse.
We nearly went back to Zara to look for it there when I luckily remembered that I still had it when we left Zara.

I thought of looking between the clothing racks to see if I had left it there, but my mother told me to ask the cashier while she would investigate with the salesladies around the fitting rooms again.

Finally they told her the bag could only be at the service point 2 floors up. (WHY, WHY NOT SAY EARLIER?)

I had completely given up, why would it be at some completely different floor? If one of the shop assistants had found it they would for sure know where it is right? And not had us search around for so long only to finally guess that it could be further up.
And if a shopper had found it, why would they go through the trouble to bring the back somewhere else, when the most logical thing to do is to just hand it to the next saleslady? And who even remembers the existence of such service point?

I was already grieving for my belongings. The purse itself, a very unique super old H&M fabric messenger, which was as simple as it gets, with super many compartments. It was in it's own way perfect.
But the think I would be the saddest over was the loss of my amazing relatively new wallet. It was also in its own way perfect and I love it so much. The woven leather, the golden metal details, the compartments, everything!! Still to this day when I use it I feel a bit happy. Oh should it have really left me for good?
And then all my IDs in it...
Then also got my phone... I don't really cling to it, but just the thought of always losing my phones in such a inhumane, ridiculous why was very frustrating.


Anyway up we went and as it happens I saw my bag lying behind the counter. My heart skipped a beat. What the...?
The woman who has brought it there must be an angel (a siao angel maybe haha)
I should be forever grateful to her....




So in conclusion good things happen after all and I am just a whiny spoilt bitch.
Chu, Ailing

soyogi - FT Island

Yesterday I learnt an important lesson.
But first, today is one of those incredible sunny days, that I didn't had the chance to learn to appreciate the last few years. In my room at home it gets really hot really fast, so I had one more reason to hate sunny days, other than hating brightness and hotness in general.
In my new room bright sunny days don't heat up the whole place so it is much easier to appreciate.
The whole apartment is very bright actually, and the kitchen looks especially friendly and sunny so I like it!

I cleaned and mopped the whole apartment today - involuntarily. I planned to flood the sink with detergents and water (to clean it without cleaning it), but forgot about it while I vacuumed. The result is that the bathroom and half the hall were flooded.
I was really worried that the neighbour from downstairs would come and ask about some water damage - the costs would finally kill me. Luckily I managed to deal with the masses of water and wiped the whole floor! I packed the whole place, washed the dishes, showered and now that everything is clean, it feels really comfortable to stay here.

Now, I don't know what to do. Since I'm dieting I can't eat (which would be my 1st choice to do whenever I'm bored). I really need to get a grip. Sometimes I am eating quite much and it doesn't affect my weight at all, sometimes I'm eating not soo much and end up with a higher weight....
I went food shopping today and my haul consists of: blueberries, bananas, buttermilk (for smoothies), two instant soups and a yoghurt (cherry buttermilk). I was afraid I might freak out if I don't have an extra safety food, so I bought the yoghurt ㅋㅋ
I don't want to eat yet though, I'm really clueless about what to do. It is also a tad to bright, so staring at this screen makes my eyes really tired~ I'm not even sitting at my desk, which is next to the window, but on my bed. It's a completely new experience for me to work (with my laptop) on my bed. I'm a desk person and before moving here and seeing my roommate sometimes studying on her bed, I have never even thought of that ㅋ
Anyway then I remembered I said I'd blog and yesterday really happened sth that I want to remember for the rest of my life, hence I must write it down.


I was supposed to post some documents by Tuesday. Of course I procrastinated and didn't made it to the post office on time on Sat (in my defence, I googled that it'd be open until late). So I mailed all the stuff on Monday by express, so it would arrive fo sho on Tuesday. As Tuesday came I tracked my letter, and lo! it hadn't moved one inch.
So I contacted the post office to check where my letter actually was, because often their tracking lags behind. After several forwarding and redirection - by now it was 8.45pm - my letter had finally moved, it departed from where I had posted it.
I kept tracking it til 3am the next day to see if it might have arrived in time (before Tue midnight) but as I found out on Wednesday morning, it hadn't even arrived at the right town. Again I mailed every possible people from the post office and the people who were to receive my letter, explaining my situation, but of course nobody replied.
Finally my letter arrived - at 11.35am. Had to wait until 1pm before I could phone the bureau. And then at one number the person didn't even care to pick up and at the other I had to call several times, before no one was busy and then wait somemore until someone picked up. It was a young-ish sounding guy who just kept telling me that it was impossible to do sth about the letter, that he was sorry, but couldn't help me at all. I swear for half an hour I begged, cried and did all the dramatic things I could think of - I couldn't soften his heart. Eventually he explained the rules again and hung up. I was literally devastated.
I told my friend about it, she told me that it couldn't be, that they had to make an exception since it was the fault of the delivery guys and that I should try everything.
I don't know how I thought of it, but I successfully googled the numbers of each employee of the office. I directly called the manager and he picked up immediately. I started to say that I had a problem with my letter when he already asked me how he could help me. After explaining my situation, he sympathize with me very much (stupid post office people/ how much you pay ah?). Then he finally ask if I had a proof, I told him I had an apology of them. So he gave me his e-mail address, and I forward the apology to him. He wanted the receipt of posting (because of some legal reasons), too, which luckily I still had and then told me that everything was gonna work out! I was so so relived and happy! Against all odds I had worked it out!!

And finally, what did I learn from this story?
Firstly, never give up, try everything (many thanks to my friend) and 2ndly know your rights!!

If I had known about there being a law regarding this date and that a mistake by the delivery company was an exception, I wouldn't have bothered to put on an act calling the first guy, I'd straightforward say 'you know what? fuck you I know my rights, so do what I'm telling you to do, you midget'
The law is so important! I knew it before but never had really internalised this reality. It is much easier to fight for our rights if we know the legal background.

Oh and how about, stop procrastinating? Guess I will never learn that one~
Anyway, I wish sth v bad to happen to the first guy. Not like I want to curse him, as he just followed the rules, but I want sth happen to him that make him think~ Like karma!
E.g. his new apple product got stolen, his car broke (and he can't afford a new car) or he lost sth v special to him, or his wash machine flood his whole apartment, things like that that make him think, 'That could be because I didn't help that crying girl....naaah....(what if yes?)'


Ok, ending it here. Super long-winded and boring ㅋㅋ
Chu, Ailing

Summertime Sadness - Daniela Andrade & Gia Margaret

It is funny, disappointing, annoying, astonishing how things you learn at school do influence you after all.
For example, we talked about addictions and/ or mental illnesses during middle school. Everyone had to pair with someone and prepare a presentation about a certain illness for the whole class. I covered anorexia, bulimia and adiposity.
And now I'm generally very interested in (and also fascinated by) eating disorders. But I think it's also because I want to be very skinny.

Another point is that I once interned at a hospital at (in?) the ward for internal medicine. In particular we had many patients who had problems with their alimentary canal. And oh wonder, you could say that it's the most interesting topic concerning medicine for me now.
Although it is very disgusting (digestion!) - I saw a 200kg guy who had a gigantic hole in the middle of his ass idk what they did there but you could fit two fists in that hole, I've seen people with full stomata (that's an artificial anus, i.e. a plastic bag where your shit is collected instead) dropping out of the hole of their bellies or my cousin told me she saw people throwing up their own shit, hands down possibly the most disgusting aspect of medicine on living(!) humans - I still like it the most (ok that might be exaggerated).


So y'all should be careful about what you learn, you might like it later on~



More funny things! My relationship with food! Funny how it can change so fast and so extreme!
On certain days I be like, 'what does it even matter? hand me that mayonnaise bro, we gon eat like no tomorrow' and on other days, 'omgwtf this glass of water I just drank! Just this feeling of fullness already makes me sick. Fuck this bad conscience although I know that it has 0 cal! What should I do?! I will never lose weight!!'.

Now someone explain that. I wish I was more often on that water is evil- side, but it isn't granted me.
At least this speaks volumes about human psyche; we are all fragile. And it shows how easy it actually is to develop an eating disorder (not for me though, I'm still going strong ww x).
Anyway, when I first gathered some information about this topic and probably it's the same thing for most of you, too - we think it's impossible for us to stick a toothbrush down our throat or to be disgusted by the 'bloating' of a glass of water. But now I could say that these opinions change to the exact opposite from one day to an other just like that.

What I want to say is, most of our judging is based on comparisons with recent standards. We adjust our standards to current circumstances and rarely pit our deeds or thoughts against higher ideals. Examples? People who grow up in a normal environment and were friends with us now rob helpless old grannies in order to get themselves and their friends enough money to buy drugs. We used to hate smokers, but now that everyone we know kinda smokes it isn't all that bad... And so on.

We don't (always) think, 'this is the most reputable of all things, I want to be like that', but we think 'I want to be better/as good as/ only a bit worse than standard'. And if that changes our thinking changes with them.
Of course some things don't change (that easily), like killing someone. Most of us will still flinch from doing so even if suddenly a civil war wear to break out where we live. But for some, this process is happening (faster). And that is because 'everyone is doing it, so it is normal/only a bit worse if I do it, too.'
This is also how some explain why so many Germans suddenly became cruel murderers during WWII and even killed children without hesitating.
In the beginning we think it's very cruel and absolutely wrong, but then we don't think about it that often anymore, because we already have thought of everything that could be thought of this subject. And then after a while, it's the most normal thing ever. Another way is that we think about it all the time and it becomes completely normal for us because it had been in our head all the time.
Very much the same as why we don't find looking out of the window during train journeys as interesting as when we were kids anymore. All things are relative.

Well, I just wanted to share this with you, because I think many people are too sure of everything, but the reality is 'All that is certain is that nothing is certain. Not even this.'.




Chu, Ailing x x x