Sunday, 27 April 2014

Spending all my time - Perfume

A first day back to the gym. It's only a trial session. But I guess it's settled that I get me another membership.
I should have an overall wish to stay fit and treat my body well for the rest of my life beyond just wanting to lose weight right now!
I only hope that the instructor will be totally normal. No weirdo~ /cringes

And because of that, I gonna have proper breakfast today. I don't want to faint or nearly faint at the gym ww
I even bought a protein bar in case I'll feel dizzy~ I actually need sugar, but protein bars are more gym appropriate than s'mores or cotton candy.

Btw you know what? I get satisfaction from watching porn!!!!
I don't know how, but seeing amazing food pics on pinterest awakens only minimal cravings but more like oh so yum, I gonna cook that (for my family) once I reach my UGW- thoughts. I could browse through pinterest forever for these and still don't feel anything... I have reached food Nirvana! Buddha would be so proud.
Also because I don't feel no fucking hungry. Whole day no eat? Where' the problem... (I know I have mentioned this before, but it's to amazing to not say it a 2nd and 3rd and nth time)

I went browsing my tumblr yesterday (used to be some thinspo/ weight-loss diary) and find that it's funny to have a food diary and look back at it, so I'm going to resume that here.

About yesterday's food:
You probably won't hv noticed but until now, every line breaks begins with A or I #amazeballs


DanActive 1 bottle 71
Mars bar 1 229
low-carb bread 1 slice 132
cream cheese 13
chicken breast 2 slices 26x2
strawberries with lots of sugar
onion/ham stick 1 405
TOTAL 902+



If I allow myself one spluge per day then wtf are the strawberries (with lots of sugar) and that ham stick doing in the list...
Luckily I still lose the normal amount of weight..

I will add today's IN and OUT this evening after dinner and gym.
I try to spread my meals throughout the day to trick my body into thinking that there's always energy coming in, so it won't go on starving mode and store every atom of food I eat.


raspberry - blueberry parfait 104 + 21.25 + 26.25 + 170
candy 108
low-carb bread 1 slice 132
cream cheese 13
chicken breast 2 slices 26x2
ice cream 149
TOTAL 775+

training 153
crosstrainer 589


Seriously ice cream?
Now that's what I call ruining one's own work... scumbag brain la!
Well, nevertheless, pleasantly surprised...

Back from the gym after a shower/bath. Just had dinner and after that ice cream (thanks brain, again) still my intake today is really little, so please... let me wake up with my GW1 tomorrow!!
The guy at the gym was super over enthu, sunnyboy smile and all, I hate guys like that... You never know if they are serious... And there are really too many guys around...
But I guess I have to go through~

That's it for today! Tomorrow is eventful day!
Chu, Ailing

Thursday, 24 April 2014


  • tee & shorts - adidas by Stella McCartney
  • bottle - H&M Go Gold Halfmoon Magic - Le Specs
    bat - New York Mets Classic Redford - Gola Duramo 3 - adidas

    yoga mat, tights - adidas tee - adidas Originals

    tee - adidas Kids (similar) tights - adidas Originals bongo - WeSC X Mademoiselle Yulia

    Err yeah... I swear I irl not that fat la!! www (walaoh confirm can see my collar bones onot? w)
    But my thighs are damn fat... I still have to think about whether I register at the gym or not~ Waste of money HiAaZz...

    The pictures are blur because my camera doesn't focus a white wall... not always... some pictures are sharp... I also don't know how to get that, but hey I managed to take the pictures without a tripod!!! (Secret: my legs got no shave www)
    J and I literally went hiking through a forest and alongside country roads on the day we bought these~ Spent 200bucks!!

    Today was splurge day with ice cream. Sitting in school all day long is soo frustrating and nerve-wrecking and it was such a warm day; I just had to buy ice cream and eat it!!!
    Went a bit overkill and now I feel bad... #uncool

    Sooner or later I will make it (the sooner the better tho), at least this Saturday got trial appointment.
    Ok I end this post already. It was a super long day and I'm tired and lazy ww

    Chu, Ailing

    Wednesday, 23 April 2014

    cooking when J was here

    A quickie from my phone.
    The other day we suddenly were invited to dinner by Asian acquaintances. Surprising, because my parents don't play with anyone Asian actually.
    At first I was very unwilling to go because I didn't bring any nice clothes nor anything cool to put on with me...

    And when we arrived turns out they had a dinner party and there were other guests!

    I don't like to mingle with other Asians (prejudices!). Well other unpleasant surprise: They had a chihuahua. I don't hv any prejudices against chihuahua, bt against Asians who own pets www It had a very weird name, sounded like 신라! Not Shilla or Sheila ww

    Anyways one of the girls told my bro my mother and I looked like Japanese or Korean, so I got that going for me, which is nice.
    But actually my bro also looks kind of Korean~
    And she asked him if I was very spoiled because I asked my mother about lots of unknown food ww I'm a difficult eater~

    But the girl also wasn't Miss Perfect, kept correcting people like grammar nazi~

    So much abt the past events.

    In lieu of recent events; HOW MUCH DO YOU GUYS DISLIKE TACTLESS FOLKS?

    I know if anything it's (merely) an uber annoying thing but is it really hate-worthy?
    Like it's actually only a small matter which happens due to some people's lack of thoughtfulness (or brains), so it is hard to blame them~

    I once came up with a theory that people's misconduct can be divided into 2 categories:

    • those that are done on purpose: arrogance, deception, avarice, deviousness, etc
    • those that can't help it: choleric types, those who are always late, always run out of money, embarrass everyone with their weird behaviour, etc

    I believed that one couldn't really be angry with the 2nd type of persons because they don't intend to harm anyone and often don't know how to help themselves...

    But now I'm not sure... I think lacking sensitivity is especially complicated, because tact you can't even learn~ You either feel it or not.

    Nevertheless I strongly dislike those kind of people because #&j)";$-@¢ they simple are such barbarians!!! Arghh~
    They can't or don't think!!
    I swear I will never marry even the most handsome or richest guy if he has no tact! At least I will try to teach him!! I cannot accept to be related with someone who is too dumb to use his brain a bit!!
    Can you please put yourself in other's shoes? If you say that/ do that how will other people feel? or
    Can you not think about other persons?
    Honestly is it so hard?

    E.g. It's dinner time. You just prepared the meals and are about to eat. The door bell rings and someone wanted to drop by for some random business. One invites them in and they stay at your place for a long time (long enough for the remaining persons to wait and for the food to get cold).*

    In this story though it all being no biggie, 3 tactless things happen:

    • deciding to drop by other's place in the evening hours/ during dinner time
    • staying for a long time although you know the others were going to have dinner
    • letting the guest stay for such a long time although you know the 3rd party is waiting for you to eat together and that the food is going to become cold
    *Should this scenario resemble an actual occurrence then that's only due to my lack of imagination ty

    As for me, honestly I would never forget or unthink such basic thoughts over the thrill of a visitor - come what may come, like it doesn't seem to be such a hard thing to do, right? If you had tact to begin with~
    At least you say, 'Sorry this is taking a while, please go on eating. I'll be there in a minute'
    If not then... If not then still no worries if such things happen very rarely. If happen often... May God be merciful unto thee~

    I am normally a most tolerant person - like really, but I guess as for some things (which might not even be that evil) I just can't stand~
    Stupidity, tactlessness, cowardice....

    I try to take pics of my adidas haul and share with you later. Now that I got my cam back I want to share more visual stuff...

    Btw I am travelling at night time once again, and it must be annoying to read incomprehensible stuff abt it, but one more time:
    NOTHING more comforting than sitting in a warm and cosy spot travelling through the darkness with good music, and by that I mean Fly To The Sky - Condition Of My Heart!!! (´▽`)

    Also whenever I am w my family I cannot go on with my one meal diet~ And in order for me to finally make it I might really go to the gym again~
    Only that it's such a waste of money and I don't intend to stay fit for a longer time www Just want to burn some extra calories until I reach my ugw (ultimate goal weight w)
    OR I do Pilates (I have found a place) which is 12x more expensive, but the membership is not so long.... ah idk~

    I kind of want to do a Jonghoon/ FT Island post next? Who's interested? \(^o^)/

    Ok I end this post here. Don't feel like going on.

    Chu, Ailing

    Saturday, 19 April 2014

    Jap Fusion Tapas

    As I promised the pictures of J and my dins yesterday.
    We went to an Asian tapas bar. They had mostly Japanese dishes but also fusion food. It was fab and we had a fun time~
    The whole place was super crowded and one of the waiters had hair like kpop idol haha. It was blond but with hints of red/pink and very wavy ww Another one had really platinum blond hair www

    All in all it was a good day and on our way home the bus driver recognized us and asked J if we had a nice dinner. Walao guess what your customers do when they get off the bus is it? www

    Ok I end quickly here... I'm watching FT Island's Korean lessons on NHK and my boys are so fab. LOVE
    Chu, Ailing

    Friday, 18 April 2014

    たく! the bus arrive too late and nobody has a clue abt what's going on... they actually hv my phone number to contact me when sth goes wrong, bt I nvr receive a message la...

    anw today A. and I wanted to fool around a bit and tricked our friends into believing that we're back in sgp already.
    bt then everything went wrong and they invite us to bday preparation meeting (sth like that?)
    and everything turned out really awkward and we felt super bad www bt anyways so nice for them to still care so much ww
    it will be a blast when we are finally finally back!!

    so abt ytd I ate NTH and my hunger lvl this morning NTH
    sth wrong w my body lar... bt still feel kinda weak so I snacked some candy ww

    and just now I wanted to meet with hyung at Starbucks and I arrive on hour too early wtf!!
    I dunno how ytd I type 3시 instead of 2 and nvr realize.. cheehh...

    so I ordered tea first when waiting in order to get a hot chocolate later on, bt in the end only tea (with sugar)....
    so today de intake still ok www

    Later on J and I went to watch Spider Man SPOILER ALERT and the movie is actually good and all, but it's goddamn long-wided... like they could have make the movie half as long with as much tension, love and interesting story line. But now... everything took ten times longer because they had to add 100s of trivial events, etc...
    But I really liked the Harry guy (taipuu ding ding ding!!!), so for me it was clear from the first second he appeared that he would turn evil... Oh the curse of rich, arrogant ikemen~ And his hair was just awesome, too www
    Absolute fitting for a cocky, rich brat www... Alas~

    OMFG I just googled it and the previous Harry Osborn was so disgusting WTF they picked curly, blonde beau /vomits
    Walao too disgusting cannot talk about this anymore....
    OMFG #2 people actually made pictures to compare the current Harry actor with Lenoardo di Caprio www I had exactly the same thought, they both have (had in the case of Leo) this fragile, sinister ikemen vibe~

    anyway I'm happy the bitch died...

    Today we want to go have dinner at a Japanese tapas bar, it's like fusion kitchen of tapas and sushi! Yum, I gonna feast like mad. Fuck this diet WW... (but seriously, like this cannot reach dw EVER)
    I wanted to try this place out for a long time, but never got around to go... Now I finally have the chance to www
    I will bring my camera (YES I got it back) and snap pics to share later on.

    Tomorrow we want to go to adidas sample sale~ Please let there be lots of cheap and pretty stuff so I can gear up on sports clothes to finally get my ass moving (will not happen, but still~ w)

    Ok, I get ready for dins now...bb
    Chu, Ailing

    Wednesday, 16 April 2014

    Baby It's You - June
    Things I want at the moment
    • a decent gym (and nice training clothes www)
    • a Vesta or Harley Davidson
    • my dream weight

    I just want a gym that offers Pilates or yoga or a combination, but no, got nothing like that near my house... /saddened
    Ah the struggle www

    And the Vesta/ Harley Davidson thing is very random. I always liked bikes and if I could ever drive those it would prove to myself that I'm not a wimp ww But I am. Car driving I hate already... And when I see people learning how to drive a motorbike I get the creeps just by watching ww
    I like Vesta because they look really vintage and have this freedom feel to them... My cousin has a pink one (with Hello Kitty seat cover w). And Harley Davidson because that would be the ultimate bad-ass symbol.

    Yes, yes I know my posts are super random and pointless, but I just have the urge to write everything down!
    About my dream weight.. Would that scale be here I could at least know how far I am from it, but alas it comes but tomorrow...

    it's tomorrow by now

    In case anyone's interested: instead of studying I watched like 13 eps of 黒子のバスケ ytd .・ヾ(。 ̄□ ̄)ツ
    I like Aomine, Tatsuya, Kagami and Kise! And I hate the stupid pervert glasses guy of Aomine, the two murder idiots, Alex and Kuroko!
    Talking about Tatsuya's seiyuu ytd somehow led me to promising to watching Free!. HiAZz I gave it too easily. What I saw from Free! til now was not very promising. So I figured Haruka (please let that be his name~) is the protagonist and his character ist just... duh!? And then the Makoto (I even knew who this was by myself) guy is double pointless, the little boy absolute annoying and Rin (that one I also myself know, cuz he closest to my type) has the same mouth as inspector Yamamura WTF !!! what's going on with ikemen these days?!
    In 黒子のバスケ, too the only obviously 100% ikemen is Tatsuya and he is like supporting side character only! Even Kise the beau is not ikemen... And Aomine and Taiga are only ikemen because of their personality (and ok-looks...)

    Still have 4 eps to go... After that Free! (or not ww)

    Today weather is super bright and warm and sunny and it makes me feel very Japanese! (Yes you read that right)
    I've got the song 旅立つキミへ stuck in my head all day, cherry blossoms and all! BUT I HATE CHERRY BLOSSOMS!
    Yes, I decided it's official, I hate pink flowers on trees.... I don't know how it's beautiful, it just seems to be spam to me...
    Right now I can't even remember if I ever found them really breathtakingly picturesque at any point of time, but now I just think, ok it must be very refreshing and invigorating to see the streets decked in colours after a long grey winter and that's it.
    The cherry blossoms itself, I hate...
    Nevertheless I like the song very much!!

    So after coming home from lab afternoon, I felt v tired and my room was incredibly hot because of the sun!
    I went to fetch my scale somemore and it's..... hidoi.... but I'm not going to return it, because I also can't help it if the world consists of only ugly scale desginers wtf!
    Anyway I still haven't reached my 1st gw (goal-weight in anorexic/ thinspo lingo), still need 0.8kg/ 1.76lb. Yet I'm still surprised.... Haven't been this skinny in a long long time..
    My BMI now 19.... I need to lose a few more pounds... Ok more than a few...

    That is also because ytd I (
    how do you call this
    ) binged www Ok I had two maoam packs and like 2 fat slices of breads. Even so, the day before I only had one pack of maoams (I'm so ridiculous I know www).

    It is better if I stay outside a lot (aka school) because at home I often eat out of boredom (in school when bored at least cannot eat) and outside I'm just not hungry because I constantly have sth to do.

    Nah, anyway, I'm tired now, because I old lar.... I end this post here now.
    (if now I seriously nap then need bitch slap pls.. thanks ar)

    EDIT Didn't sleep, but went to take a bath!
    Recently I, too, like to live very dangerously and use phone while I lie in the bathtub www Til now nothing happen (of course) but maybe some day will? ww

    After that I feel a bit refreshed and now I study a bit.
    Yesterday I was v angry w my parents. I notice that recently I get very upset when people suddenly change plans.
    This is because I try to plan things that will make everyone have an enjoyable time according to people's plans, but when they suddenly change them, all my thoughtful thinking was in vain and it appears as everyone shit on my niceness /sobs /condemns the heavens

    But now everything is OK and yeah just wanted to add this. kthxbye

    Chu, Ailing

    Monday, 14 April 2014

    it's 9pm and I'm very tired already.

    I like travelling at night time, because it's so dark outside and you only see lights and can make out some dark shapes that could be a hill or the horizon. Everything seems kind of mysterious and the things that are bright seem double important.

    That's why I also don't mind/ like to drive at night although I normally hate driving.
    But at night it feels like you travel through space and time w Or in outer space.
    It seems kind of unreal... that or I'm just weird.
    It has this kind of 'cruising through the darkness'-feel... !!

    To keep you updated about my diet:
    The last 2 days I ate enough for like 10 days or so. Not sure if I gained it all back, bt surely a bit at least.
    I also snacked like nobody ever cared.

    I think I actually want to go to the gym~
    Even if I can do only cardio... Better than nothing.
    I know if I'm so reluctant to go to the gym why don't I just save the money and stay at home and do some sports there. But at home I can't be motivated to move at all. I need equipment and the right atmosphere.
    Sounds dumb but so is humankind...

    And I again forgot my cam... So annoying~ I can't share any pictures, just these spamy test posts (I'm aware that they don't look very welcoming w)

    But I gonna have my bro bring it to me in a few days... Hopefully he won't forget it...

    Ok I really want to nap now, ttyl

    Darn it! Feels so good to nap. I just wanna arrive home watch Star Trek and falls asleep again www
    Or to travel in here forever. It's dark, warm, fascinating and softly rocking to and fro.. oh yes, driving home in a bus at night is the best thing ever. Except for being a millionaire, that's maybe a bit better. But only a bit...

    Bt I'm home soon.
    I look forward to a bit of school tml and even more sleep during the day www
    Omg I'm such a boring stay-at-home. Why do I even own a blog?!

    I hate lab work so so much. At least this time round I have a nice partner who work with, and I trust her to be a bit more skilled and knowledgable about lab work than me www. Because I SUCK.

    Anyway I bought this Victoria's Secret bikini top in black.

    Victoria's Secret Beach Sexy Cropped Top

    The image looks ridiculous. It's really hard to find a bardot style bikini top like this.
    I've searched everywhere, but could only find VS, Urban Outfitters , Beach Riot and Lolli Swim (both last season) selling this cut.
    Plus the top is really really very tight. I nearly couldn't squeeze myself in ww.

    I now need a nice bikini bottom(s) and then I'm all set. To go. To Singapore. And never come back. 짱!

    And finally going to order a scale now. Looking forward to it. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness, doesn't know happiness. Money only buys happiness.

    Ok, see you again tomorrow.
    Chu, Ailing

    Friday, 11 April 2014

    now have to rewrite wtf ffs fml

    in-transit blogging!

    some people are so incredibly abnormal I can't even.

    a few rows behind me are 2 women and one just take out a book to read:

    1: oh so you're reading? *reads out title dramatically*
    2: yeah *patronizing*
    1: *reads 'mysterious love story's from description on book cover dramatically*
    must be very exciting right?
    oh you're only at the beginning?
    is it hard to read yeah?

    FFS can anyone think of any dumber, annoying and unnecessary stuff to say? I award her with the Golden Butt Kick for that.
    I hate those people that say those kind of stupid, unconnected things.
    'is it hard to read?' WTF ppl never start a book from the first pages isit? always just read the climax and the end right?
    HOW can a sane person say such a sentence?  

    2ndly the other woman obviously doesn't take out a book because she wants the other one to drop one comment dumber than the other about it. People with books commonly want to read it without being disturbed by some busybodies' annoying and absolute useless chitchat...
    HOW do you not realize that? I just can't...

    Yesterday night I was very restless so I googled stuff like 'eating only one bread a day'

    Ardent anorexic fighters prognosis are devastating: apparently I will die soon due to nutrient deficiency!
    My kidney functions will break down, etc and I will get cancer. Ok cancer is not...
    But my body will also start to metabolize all the muscles away, it will 'start to devour itself'. I will become 'skinny but soft'. !!!
    But my stomach will also shrink, which doesn't sound so bad because mine is a bottomless pit; I eat my friends meals for them if they can't finish as a matter of fact (///▽///)

    Nevertheless I don't think human bodies are so weak and die so easily when you only eat bread for some time...

    I also don't intend to do this for too long, maybe like 2 weeks until I reach my dream weight.
    I know they said I'd gain it all back in no time because idk because I will eat normally again?

    I just have to be more cautious about what I eat then...

    Still I don't want any nutrient deficiency so I reckon I gonna vary my meals a bit (not that I have absolute the same thing and really 'bread only' the last days).
    Today I started the day with two glasses of soy milk, with one glass being slightly over 100 kcal! Why everything so friggin much?! I think everything that is over 100 per portion is just soo much (* - -)

    Also I wonder how to continue my diet during this weekend... meh most likely I will gain all that I lost back... I swear I can gain 3-4 kg on one day...

    And I don't want my muscles (whatever muscles I have) to vanish either.
    I know how important muscles are for weight-loss. So I think I should do some sports? I don't really like lifting and cardio stuff, but I'd like to do yogates, or pilates... or yoga if got no choice. I really like pilates but only w machines which I guess cannot find anywhere... Yogates also cannot I think.... And just yoga isn't really helpful for weight-loss...

    The gym near my place only has the typical like muscle training, cardio and err idk. Not anything that I'd wanted to do ... so how? ah #firstworldproblems

    Chu, Ailing

    Thursday, 10 April 2014

    Walao ytd I totally praise 2048 today I crack it already (during lessons w). It is actually not very hard, who wants to know how, I share with you guys ww.
    Now I am again left with nothing... But nvm I still enjoy replaying it w.

    Apropos games, another game that I got introduced to is a simple quiz game and you can challenge strangers, because it's multi-player. Funny enough you can also chat to the strangers, which I don't think people really do.
    Today suddenly I received a message from a guy and ughh, why are guys so absolutely fucking lecherous, it's not only disgusting but inhuman!! Can't they maintain a certain class?!
    I actually like to chat with strangers, because it's fun to play with them and troll around. It's my speciality to toy around with unknown internet men www Oh the good ol' IRC days... But this guy was just too dumb to converse on my lvl so I had to quick or I puke.
    So here's how the convo went:
    Are you female?
    however I semi-played along because til now it could be sort purposely pretend la
    added question mark to tease him a little

    How old?
    ok now I'm absolutely sure that he's a dumb faggot

    too old for you
    admittedly not very witty, it's my standard reply, because I can't think of any more witty ones, only equally dumb ones like 69,6,66,666,100,etc

    haha do you think so? how old are you

    where are you from?
    from there on I was really tired of his lame and dumb way to chat I ignored him a bit and received more shit like

    are you still there?
    are you interested in 39 yr old men?
    still there?
    well then bye

    And the moral of this story: The internet is full of horny, moronic old men. Oh what news....

    I was showing this to the girl who sits next to me and she was like You and your pedos www That is because ytd I also receive a message reading Who are you?
    I hate those messages, like whole world wide web got a zillion of people cannot go and ask everyone who they are when you know it could be anyone from Swaziland or Seychelles or dunno your neighbour whom you don't even know, so stop asking online people that dumb question!!!!

    Today me and Namakemono-san (yes,the girl who sit next to me) spontaneously decided to skip maths, because one of the students has to present the homework and we both don't really feel like doing it www
    Also this homework very easy one so nvm if we skip ww

    Then I realize I wanted to meet GS-hyeong at Starbucks after class so now I have like a bit time to kill and decided to blog.
    I just checked the nutritional facts of Starbucks' products; everything is just soo nutritious how can Western ppl not be fat?! Drink 2 or 3 hot chocolates with cream is already enough for one day...

    A. said if I don't pay attention I will become anorexic.
    My honest thoughts are, technically seen I am anorexic by now www

    Ok what constitutes anorexia?
    I don't really know but a few things I can think of just with common sense.
    I think it's not only looking like a pile of bones, but also wanting to look like a pile of bones. That I definitely despise.
    But maybe there are anorexics who don't want to be so thin, but just can't turn off their control mania when (not) eating. Some anorexics actually don't primarily want to lose weight, but just have a control mania... That I also don't have.
    Eating very little? Yes, that I do right now - but I am nowhere near starving or feeling uncomfortable. Which actually can't be normal... Ok normally I don't move very much throughout the day, but now with school I actually do walk around a bit. On the other hand I guess humans from industrial nations have enough body fats to survive like 5 days without food www

    Concluding I'd say maybe my acting a bit anorexic, but my thinking actually is not. Just wannabe skinnier (who doesn't seriously...)

    Oh and about counting calories: I don't know why cool people all act like it's such a pretentious, unnecessary things to do and that they are to cool to do that?
    'oh yeah, I have never counted calories. I just can't check what's in this or this product all the time... you know? It's just not my style' FUU act-superior people.

    I don't really think frantic calories counting is adequate, but come on, it's a pretty basic principle. Less in than out. And how would you know if you really have a smaller intake than outtake (ww) if not checking it?
    I also don't count every single calorie but I do check the approximate amount of nutritions in the products I eat (at times) to have a vague idea of what I'm doing.

    You know what I'm thinking of? Making a list where I count how many times:
    • the door opens and close
    • people come
    • people leave
    • how loud they are.

    I'm talking about them john's visiting the prossies next door, because they are extremely loud - I mean when entering or leaving or knocking or ringing, like they seem to intentionally slam the door as hard as they can, some ring like mad (in the manner of pressing the door bell in really short intervals until the door is opened). Even the prossies themselves have no shame and also yank the door open with full power, so that everyone knows that yet another one arrive.
    I'm really curious about what's actually going on over there... but I will likely never know....

    Ok, now I prepare to leave...

    I think the mugs from Starbucks are kind of pretty and cute...

    Studying surely sucks. I just spent like 3h doing homework, because I was watching 黒子のバスケ at the same time. It's sure is ikemen spam. My favs are Aomine, Kagami, Kise and Kagami's American friend w. I hate the gay glasses guy of Aomine, the purple guy with ridiculous name and the red-haired meanie, although I haven't seen him in action yet. I call him the Zorin Blitz ww.

    I finally decided to invest in a scale... It is necessary to track progress (or regress w). My principle is to spend money on household stuff while still being supported by parents www. By this you need to spend less own money when being independent some time in the future www.
    But I won't buy a too high-tech scale, because science will create much cooler scales in the future, so it's not worth it (I know, the fuck am I thinking? ww)

    Chu, Ailing

    얼음들 - 악동뮤지션
    Yet another day. Hearing what kind of work expects me for chemistry makes me really doubt and hesitate.
    I think I'm simply not made for doing work with my hands, even if it's not hard construction kind of work, but filigree lab work or doing surgeries or stitching... I can't be bothered to utilize my hands like this, it's not my style...

    These days I'm spending classes draining the battery of my phone... We all got addicted to playing 2048!! Thanks to Kim who introduced the game to one after the other ww.
    I like those simple games that require a bit of thinking, so my favourite games are Triple Town, Unblock Me and maybe 2048 from now on! But my highscore very low la, like 8000-. Anyway I play til my phone die and everyone else also kill their phones. Lectures are just too boring...

    Other games I like are those wannabe detective ones which are a tad scary and also those where you have to find stuffs w, challenging but not unnerving.

    On another note, I get a parcel from the U.S. and international tracking (at least with USPS) has improved or how?
    Normally you can only track within the origin country and after depart to destination country it will just disappear from the radar. But this parcel they even tell me how it passed customs and is now transported to delivery place!! Oh future thou art but wonderful...

    Lastly a note regarding friend-zones from the other day.
    I don't remember if I ever blogged about this so sorry if I'm repeating myself.

    I think for a girl to be friend-zoned it is not that bad, because girls can really not coincidentally be around to help you carry grocery shopping or help set up furniture or give you a ride to work or such nonsense.
    But girls can do all kind of favours for a guy without it appearing unnatural. That is, because traditionally women serve man more than the other way round (let's not get into gender roles an gender equality here). So women are not humiliating themselves, while I guess men do. And that is why friend-zoned dudes are so popular, because it is very unusual or ridiculous and that's what entertaining.
    And that's also why there are no real memes or anything about friend-zoned girls!!!

    And that is why I think

    There should be a dude-zone for girls. I think I'd be a kind of girl that gets dude-zoned easily!
    So what is a dude-zone?
    It is a sphere where a guy sees all his pals and best friends with whom he hangs out to play God of War, COD, Need for Speed, Battlefield or Worms (lok ok who play worms?).
    You're in the zone, you get to join into all the dude activities like a guy gets to join into girl activities if they're friend-zoned.
    Watching porn or The Expendables, whatever lah I'm no specialist about things that guys doo (according to 9gag wanking off all the time); you are seen as a leggit dude - boobs balls and all.

    I think I'm easy to dude-zone because I enjoy many dude-activities and hate many things girls like. I don't really play video games or any games though, but that's because I simple don't like to utilize my hands (see paragraph 1). At least I enjoy watching other people play Haha.

    Okay I just finish my homework although I didn't finish it (no sense, I know). Saddened because I like the subject actually, but most go sleep liao.

    Chu, Ailing

    Tuesday, 8 April 2014

    Too goddamn tired to blog!
    Today was super long day, although I could sleep til nearly 9... but then I stay at school til past 5. After that a girl from class and I drag each other to Mc.
    I ate so friggin much probably enough for 3 days !!!!

    Because of my situation right now the last few days I had a total of maybe 600 calories intake!!! Like one package of maoam, one sandwich and a pretzel stick! And like a glass of sprite!!
    Today was humongous burger, sprite and fries!! I should have thought about my diet before agreeing to go to Mc, but my mouth quicker than my brain >.<
    Anyway I need to ganbare through this now that I found out I can very well survive with only one small meal per day!!

    Anyway I'm so tired I just want to go to bed and sleep... But I still have to study a bit and print out stuffs for school... I don't know what's it about my personality, but I absolutely hate to print stuff for school, or look up things for school, etc...

    At least today is rainy day... But it didn't rain when I looked outside. I wish it would rain exactly like in 黒子のバスケ ep 12 (the coach girl and the glasses player have some chemistry going on right? why don't they just confess lah /hiaZz haha). The rain in there is especially beautiful. Somewhat sad and strong, but then again very soft... (Yes, I'm rain-obsessed).
    At least it's windy or stormy, so it lifts up my mood a bit. (eh? because it's kinda cold I get goosebumps from watching 黒子のバスケ ww)

    A and I today chat all day about Singapore! She was at work, I hope everything goes well and we can both go!!

    Ok, that's all for today. I'm honestly forcing myself to blog daily, even if it only has a therapeutic effect... (if anything)

    Chu, Ailing

    Monday, 7 April 2014

    In the Zone.

    200% - Akdong Musician
    I feel very inspired reading Xiaxue's super old blog posts.
    So funny, honest, weird and dedicated... She used to blog almost every day!!

    Also I like how carefree she was, had only typical teenager problems with guys, ex-boyfriends, their new girlfriends, etc! I feel like my thoughts make me age too much!!
    I should dump all that shit and pretend like I don't have a brain!!

    I also want to blog more often, if not daily. Today I want to blog about friend-zone, but now I study first!!
    Unfortunately I also don't play as often as she did, so no dramatic things to tell Haha

    Today is really hot day for April, some people dress like August already! When driving to school an old, disgusting man entered the bus who obviously had obsessional neurosis!
    He touched some part above the door of bus, put his yukky cap on top of every ticket-punch-machine and had to touch every of those hanging things people use to hold on to while driving. He even double touch some in case he has missed it.
    A woman moved away from the seat he put his back on, so he had to go back and put his bag near other people ?!

    There are so many absurd psychic diseases out there, I don't know which is the dumbest.
    Maybe borderline syndrome people la! If my kid would cut itself I'd bitch slap it until it cut out of the crap,
    'You think nobody love you is it? I work full time to give you food and afford your school I dunch love you is it? You don't love yourself, expect whom to love you ha?'

    Anyway ever since my roommate has this friendship thing going on with this guy, hereby the Fred, I have been thinking about

    Everyone pities friend-zoned guys and whenever one of them speaks up to their crush they are celebrated as heroes.

    But not all of them deserve it!!

    I think there are two kind of friend-zoned dudes:

    1 The Unofficial

    He loves a girl dearly but she doesn't give a fuck about his feelings and only abuses him whenever she wants to.
    • free dinner
    • free concert tickets
    • free homework
    • free sex
    • free everything

    At the same time she raises his hopes whenever she contacts him. This guy is only unofficially friend-zoned.
    While both parties likely know that they will never date, she won't clearly rebuff him. So the head-over-heals-in-love guy still fantasizes about chances.

    2 The Official

    This guy is just an idiot. As the name suggests, this guy knows it, yet he continues to
    • offer her rides
    • invites her to dinner
    • invites her to concerts
    • etc.

    Things that this guy hears is oh, you are so nice, you should start to ask X out, I think she likes you, etc.
    Or some other retarded stuff happen like you get to hang out with her only to help prepare a party to which she expects her crush and can't stop raving about him.* What the fuck?
    Cannot be more unambiguously, right?

    What I mean is that generally every kind of friend-zoned guy is pitied by society, but not all deserve it!!
    The officially friend-zoned guy is just a lunatic derp who has no pride!!

    When a girl says NO you should just move on, but not let her use you and then complain about it on the internet ok? At least if you have a bit of self-esteem.
    I know you should fight for a girl, but the friend-zone is not feared for nothing. Once a girl put you into it chances that you ever emerge as a potential boyfriend are close to -200% !!
    Especially if you start to do all kind of favours for her you turn to a sort of loser servant in her eyes. Which girls want to date a loser?! A boot-licking pathetic idiot is completely worthless!!
    For your own sake just move on!

    Well, Fred belongs to type 2 and I honestly don't see any reasons for him or his fellow sufferer continue with their hopeless advances.
    It must be that love makes blind... I'd send him flying long time liao, because I can't stand pathetic behaviour, but my roommate (amongst other things) finds him useful (which he is)...
    And all I can think is IT'S YOUR OWN FRIGGIN' FAULT!!

    If he finds out will he be hurt? Probably. Will he maybe despise her? Probably.
    Are those feelings justified? Well, no?!

    Who made himself a ridiculous slave? It's that he and the officially friend-zoned offer their services and then the girls start to make use of that convenience. Expects nothing in return - gets nothing in return Cannot blame the girls right? You have been warned, you decided to stay... And no fucks were given.

    Even unofficially friend-zoned ones should be bright enough to recognize a defeat. All the more because they are being shamelessly exploited.

    Ah, that's all. Personally I don't like the idea of friend-zoned persons. I would turn that person down and never ask to meet again. I also don't understand how anyone can be so heartless and inconsiderate to continue to see that person, although they know that person is desperate and probably harbours illusions of a date all the time. Plus there's my disgust for their lacking self-respect!

    Anyway, I said Fred left that day without saying goodbye, which he usually does (must be nice to crush's friend right?), so I think he/ they got it. I wonder if/ when he will visit again, or if he doesn't have the guts... I wouldn't give two flying fucks if I never see him again.

    Edit: In fact my frn tell me how she told him that she googled her ex and Fred said he was disappointed.
    My friend totally don't understand what he mean, he then explain(!) since the two of them are chatting(!) it was disappointing that she google her ex/ thinks about him !!!

    You see what I mean? So so disgustingly pathetic and bananas! And my friend even repeatedly say she don't want boyfriend, dream of tall(!), ikemen(!), Japanese(!) guy !! (hint: Fred is neither!!)

    Chu, Ailing

    Sunday, 6 April 2014

    Blogging this in my bed at 3 am on my phone while semi-watching Robocop. I was never interested in it really. Technical powers or cyborgs are not 100% my thing. I like more the real superpowers kind of things, like Superman Haha. Ok bullshit I also like Batman to death, but he is no cyborg...

    But that's not the reason why I'm bothering to execute some poetry on touch screen (I still hate it, future my ass~). 

    I wouldn't say that I am the most thoughtless of my kind (21st century teen).
    I would even go as far as to say that I think quite a lot compared to some. Not always.
    But often, for a few minutes throughout the day.
    I can't say whether I think more about myself or general social things.

    What I can say is I think about myself quite often. Often enough that I thought I knew everything about myself.
    Basically there's not much to know, if you wanted to keep things simple: I am deep.

    I thought I understood myself thoroughly, that I had analysed what can be analysed.

    But such is life, the universe and everything that although you can grasp somethings and even understand somehow what you don't know yet, suddenly you learn of the existence of a new dimension, something beyond imagination that just makes clear how limited our thinking is.

    I thought I knew everything about myself.
    But today I realized a part about myself that I long knew about but never saw it as clear

    To say that I am social cripple would be extremely exaggerated, but let's you guess what I want to hint at.

    I didn't grew up around too many people and additionally never longed for much company.
    My thoughts were enough entertainment for me.

    That and the fact that I am very independent or strong made me a person who sort of puts herself always after others. Not in a philanthropic way.
    But I observe others, react according to situations, never putting myself in the position of an individual personality.
    Counselor Troy puts it into more fitting words: My own feelings are beside the point.

    I really unconsciously partly saw myself as someone who existed for others.
    This might sound overly dramatic but it is not meant as such. I do have a very strong personality, just that it isn't relevant at times. That I don't need to carry it through all the time.

    Only just now did I realized that actually I have a social personality at all!
    Which quite shocks me, I see that as a weakness. That other's deeds have meaning to me.
    As I said I know me as a strong being, without flaws of that kind.

    But as I am more and more entering the actual world outside my childhood I am forced to bring out some socially really meaningful behaviour to protect my interests.
    Not that I haven't done so before, that I haven't been annoyed, upset or irritated by others. But never in a socially conflicting way.

    Because I grew up somewhat isolated my people skills are not that greatly trained. Until now I could avoid more complicated social situations easily.
    Not so now.

    When earlier I discovered my interpersonal identity I was very astonished and now I'm thinking about how hard it is for me to realize it during daily affairs.

    To put it simple, I don't know.
    I don't know how to let others know that there doings clash with my personal opinion of how one should behave.
    A sarcastic remark?
    A snot-nosed answer?
    A serious conversation?

    I can easily put my own demands behind as I am used to, but time after time I get annoyed.

    I am really not a person to let loose some double talk or any ambiguous yadda.
    I don't see it as a effective way to settle conflicts, if anything it annoyed me when people resorted such means to express their anger.
    But now I see it as a good way to hint at an dissent when you have not guts too directly voice them.

    It is hard for me as I never did it before due to all said reasons, but I did it today.

    I have ranted and bitched about this topic before on my twitter. And am not too sure if I should re-tell it here where involved persons could read it.

    It is hard to have a blog.

    Too put it very simply and non-dramatic, here a version without all the depth:
    I can't stand the fact that this guy hangs out at our place as often and long as he does and that he eats our/ my food. (Not sure about the food part, I am not one of those jealous-eaters. Really makes me wonder, maybe because I can't stand him in general?)

    So earlier they cooked at the kitchen, after my room mate tell me she'd cook for 'us' (?).
    I was really annoyed later upon not being invited, by both of their audacity and when finally going to empty my bladder I dropped a casual, but quite obvious 'Well, how is it?'
    Received a 'good' and then 'do you also want something' (I don't remember that people actually get invited to eat their own food...) which I ignored, because I hadn't planned to say anything else (Haha).
    When I went back to my room I closed the door somewhat louder than necessary (my door closes quite loud anyway). I heard another 'you can also have something. it's still warm' which I countered with 'oh really?'.
    And that's it. He left earlier than on other times at 11+ pm. Might or might not be because of my reaction. But he also didn't say goodbye...

    I'm a person who hates to jump to conclusions, so I'm constantly asking myself if my reaction was justified? And if it's not should it be? And if it is, shouldn't it be?

    I think the food part really wouldn't piss me off that much if it weren't for one certain incident and if he didn't came over as often. So that aside, do I have the right to be angry about someone who stays over too often and too long?
    There exist no classical, stereotypical case yet, unfortunately. If he were one of those freeloader friends who permanently moves in at other people's place without returning the favour that would be something else. Everybody knows of such cases or can easily imagine how burdening that would be.

    In my case the guy does ridiculous favours for my friend so it is hard to grant him a few visits... and food (will talk about that later).
    But is it right of him to come to another's place like once a week, staying until 9pm, 11pm, 2am? (Note: I really want to be objective)

    I know that i.e. Penny stays at Leonard and Sheldon's place very often, but either both seem to like her or at least Sheldon finds it annoying from time to time. Either case would be in my favour, case 1) well, I don't like him, so pfff and case 2) seeeee?

    From his point of view, I don't think it's right to hang out at other's place as often, you could call it freeloader already. Say you often stay at a girl's place you like and try to win her heart, ok. It is still insolent, but at least you pursue a goal. In our case, my friend has officially friend-zoned him to the end of time and he has -300% of ever dating her.
    So what the fuck does he want?
    Except for using every opportunity to enjoy her company, which is a fuck of a reason to bother other's at the same time. I can say with a certain safeness that if he were a tactful, considerate, (self-)conscious, well-educated person he wouldn't do it.

    And from the side of my friend who seems to invite him over 70% of all the time they talk? I try to understand if maybe THAT is right.
    Do kids invite friends over every week? Well, yes maybe their best friends. Should they do it? No, they should go to each other's places in turn.
    Every parent would start to get annoyed if other parents nonchalantly let their kids stay elsewhere all the time, eat food elsewhere, let others do the job of caring about them - without giving a proper reason, like being poor so they have to work often, having no time or opportunity to take care of their own kids, etc or if the other parents really like the foreign kids (which I think can also only be the case, if they partly pity them, due to their parents... ).
    So, to conclude all those theoretical thinking, NO this guy has double no rights to come over or be invited, and anyway, we aren't freaking kids anymore who need a play partner. So, I don't see why his often residence in our house is necessary.

    From an adult's point of view?
    Well you shouldn't neglect your social contacts and seeing a friend once a week sounds like a scientifically determined minimum of time one should meet friends.
    I don't see any general problems if my friend had her one place.
    But here I am, living in the same apartment and while it is expected of me to give no fucks about whether my roommate has guests or not, since we are living in this difficult, exceptional situation, it could occur to both of them that I still feel somehow constrained with a stranger in my place so often.
    I don't mean to be a crybaby, and once a week sounds not that often, but well, I might be over-sensitive or not - I AM annoyed, can't help it. And that's because I feel it's too often. I think there has been weeks were he stayed over twice, soo.....

    On to the food part.
    I recently found this meme on 9gag


    I swear it's partly because I am Asian, but my roommate also once fed him the food my hyung cooked for me! I don't mean to be anything like nasty, but why should I spare s.o. who does wrong when he's not even reading my blog? haha

    So not only that it was MY FUCKING FOOD also my hyung cooked it for me!!
    How can I tell him that another person ate it? And that another person offered him to eat it? Since he - wait for it - cooked it FOR ME, at least I myself should offer it to others if anything, right? 
    I was raging like mad back then.

    No wonder, I am displeased if he eats our food. Not that he doesn't do it all the time, he almost never does it I think. But still, he's already out of favours with me, so whenever he eats I think, 'It is my money that you are eating and I don't remember giving you my friggin' money to eat!!!!'
    So back to the story, can you actually believe that they cooked my (read partly my) food, consume it in my presence without calling me to join them?! What unheard-of crap is this?!
    If she had bought it specially because she wanted to invite him over for dinner.... that is something else.

    My friend told me she'd cook food for us and halfway asked me if it was ok, if she used the spinach, but I can't really determine if us were the 3 of us, the 2 of us or she and him. Also the spinach-question I don't know if meant to somehow integrate me or simply to ask if they can use up all the spinach I have a claim on (haha I know I talk friggin businesslike).

    Whatever even if she wanted to make a once in a while exception of eating only with him and let me have dinner on myself, she should have said it clearer or I don't know, do you just decide it out of the blue, without letting the other person know?!

    I simply cannot except their behaviour and I don't see why I should.

    I normally never write about problems with persons I personally know, especially not about my roommate who is my best friend btw (and has plenty of good sides fyi), but seeing that Xiaxue did it, I think I should be honestly blogging out my concerns, too.

    Having a blog IS really hard Haha

    Well and now I am lying here with no dinner and I'm so not hungry only my stomach is kind of spasmodic and that's all.

    In the meantime I have slept and it's past 3.30pm the next day. I am still nowhere near hungry and just want to wrap up this wordy and thus absolutely boring post!

    Chu, Ailing

    Saturday, 5 April 2014

    Life's a Beach

    Miss You - Taeyang

    You would think that once you have free time you easily find yourself blogging. Not true. When you don't have blogging material.

    My camera is found. But I don't have it with me right now. No pictures. No posts.

    Even so, I just felt inspired to write these lines.
    I am thankful that I can chose to be happy.
    I am thankful
    that I can move freely
    that I can spend money
    that some happiness is purchasable
    I am thankful that I can chose to be happy.

    Even if we have reasons to be bitter about life, we should not forget, or belittle or take for granted the greatness of being able to chose if we are happy or not, even if we decide to disregard this option.

    As my friend and I want to go to Singapore this summer I am trying to find some nice beachwear.
    I hate beach trips as I am very conscious about my body and I don't like to expose it at all. Well, not really, I don't mind brief bottoms, but I hate everything less than short tee sleeves.
    I have never owned a bikini, only a very extravagant swimsuit, which I think should finally find it's way into the trash bin. The last few days I have been browsing the world wide web for bikinis that would look good on a non sex bomb body (read: flat as it gets) haha

    Flouncing Fabrics

    can cheat a bigger bossom or butt by not resting flat on what's-not-there but creating some volume. If there really exists nothing wear a padded halterless bralet underneath, even a bit of something will be really enlarged by flounces.
    PLUS due to their loooseness they add sexiness by faking the illusion of potential underboob or -butt (or -vag /god, I really hope that this term does not exist /googles).

    Tip: Fringes also do the trick


    Show Some Other Skin

    We cannot deny that flashing boobs is most effective, but those who cannot afford it can awaken some interest by drawing attention to some other parts.

    Off-shoulder tops and cut-out bottoms do just the trick by revealing more at other (and sometimes even more daring) parts.





    Anything else?

    Let's not forget that us women don't only have front curves, but also a derrière and men find that just as attractive (well, at least that's what I've heard) haha)

    Brazilian, string, itsy - so many swimwear bottom shapes exist which can flaunt your sexy back. Another more playful is to wear a cute bow.




    o n/a o o o o o

    Chu, Ailing