Omg my whole beautiful post was just killed like that FML

And I'm back again after spending a whee time back at home and am on my way to my place again.

Why do days go by so fast - whether you do something or not?
I think the difference between a little kid experiencing a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month or a year - seriously didn't everything last an eternity back then - is because they experience everything with a greater intensity.

Let me explain: Imagine you were a samurai in the middle of a fight facing your most able arch foe. You stumble, fall backwards and see his katana coming nearer and nearer. Doesn't this second feel like it would never end?
Or picture yourself jumping off a bridge. While falling down only takes a little more than the blink off an eye, you experience it all like it was slowmo.

So if we were able to see the world through a child's eye, wouldn't that mean that we were able to have those never ending hours and life-long years back? If we could just be so curious, interested and look at the world with the same wonder.

And doesn't this all also speak for an inexhaustible positive energy and joyful outlook on life? Where did it all go?

Alas, a train is but a train. A ticket vending machine as best a nerv-killing Stone Age apparatus with lagging and most insensitive touch screen doing its best at pretending us from reaching the train in time. And the buttons that open train doors are - if one would exhaust one's fantasy - maybe his little brother.

I really want to be more observant of my environment. To spend every instance of my life with greater awareness.
I think that world help in being more productive and embracing life (without that burn-out fear lurking around the corner).

2 issues and one prologue

I have this new app (that isn't that amazing) which let's you mix different nature sounds to create a relaxing atmosphere.
I have always loved this kind of thing even as a kid (which makes me kinda old), nice sounds make me feel so comfortable and at ease.
I had this study software back then with a virtual environment, one of the features I always used is to set a background sound.
My stable favourite is the sound of rain of course (and everything that comes with it; lightning, wind, etc). Generally I like everything with water; ocean waves, rivers, you name it.
I also liked the sound of a busy city life very much.
For some time - during my heavy depressive phase - I could die on the sound of birds singing, but now I'm quite OK with it.

Issue 1: FASTING

So as a result of my recent musings about conscious nutrition, I decided to go on a vegan, clean eating, low-carb, detox fasting before Easter, known as Lent.

I guess it's going to be quite hard, because I don't really have the opportunity to eat clean when I'm at home with my parents. But I will try my best.

I'm going to start with goop's '7 day detox' and then doing the clean, vegan, low-carb stuff for the rest of the time with a bit of detoxing in addition.

Already I am very curious about the results and can't wait to begin. I hope to share my daily experience on instagram.

Issue 2: BEING WRONGED

I have mentioned before, I grew up rather isolated and it's hard for me to deal with difficult social scenarios.

I'm a person of few, but strict principles. One of them is being true and open to avoid problems. For some people being too true or open can mean directly asking for problems, but I am very tolerant, and as long as I can relate to something, I forgive relatively easily. Or when that person is sincerely sorry.
I am also mostly not angry for a long time.

So how do you react when you are being wronged?
Do you just swallow it down?
Do you confront the other person with accusations and reproaches?
Do you get aggressive?
Do you stay calm, wait for a good moment and try to approach the subject diplomatically?

As for me, of course it's best when the opponent has the courage to see and admit to his faults and apologizes out of his own accord.
This would show me that the other person has a conscience, appreciates you and is trustworthy after all.

Even when you get back on a trustful relationship through your own approach, it always has the bitter smack of disappointment and doubt.

So anyway when sb has wronged me I don't like to let them get away with it, as I think it would hurt our relationship, even if ever so little.

I try to approach them creating an atmosphere of trust. Trust that they can be honest about their motives (be it that they were too lazy to pull me out of a burning car), that I will never judge them without listening to their story.

At the same time I can't be too soft - 'hey, I'm not angry, but why...' can't be the right start all the time, if it is at all. Being too soft is not only a sign of lacking self esteem, which eventually will show the wrong-doers that they can treat you the way they want, but it will leave you unsatisfied, too, because you haven't shown them how important and hurtful this issue is to you.
Plus you might force out only a half-hearted apology or worst - none at all, because the other sees no fault, when you are even not that upset. No fault, no guilt; he will just say anything to get over with it quickly or even chose to go along with your petty game and play it down to nothing.
Which is never the point. The point is to gain back trust and to integrate the happenings as a part of your relationship's story, as both parties use it to learn out of it through getting to know more about each other.

How to do that I wonder. It is very hard if you deal with an emotionally immature person (not that I'm terribly emotionally mature).

Lastly, not being able to conserve your anger over some time is quite unnerving. I have no problems about forgiving and forgetting if I know the background story and everything, but often I am too understanding.
Being a person with too many flaws myself, of course I tend to feel others better and am more ready to view things relaxed.
But then often something inside me tells me that this fault is actually a sign of lacking respect and appreciation and I can't possibly ignore it just like that.

So yeah, that's that.
I'm still no wiser than before.

モノクロのキス - SID

I'm really really upset about the ending of 黒執事・サーカスの書(Black Butler, Book of Circus)!!!!


I don't see any justification neither from Ciel's nor the mangaka's side to have people killed who could be rescued!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, whatever you say, it is never the right thing to do! No no no no no no NOOOO!!!!
These guys were friendly to him, ok they did terrible things, but they had their reasons! Reasons, which especially in anime world are very good exuses for murder!!!


Ciel could have rescued them all!!! But he chose to not give a fuck!!!!



Apart from that I'm really annoyed by the very last scene when he laughs out like mad, amused by the fact that humans or himself are worse than akumas!!!
DAFUQ!!!
Le me tell you one thing: Mangas who try to point out that humans are oh so bad are stupid!!!!

I see their retarded point: They think because people have a choice, it is all the more hidoi when they actually commit sins, as opposed to demons, because it lies in their nature!
BULLSHIT!

For a damned little spoiled arrogant brat to assume such things (but that's actually only the mangaka's doing to piss me off even more), kids shouldn't act so high and mighty.
Anyway, not that the speaker of such things changes the content. Imo it is absolutely senseless to assume things about the good- or bad-naturedness of mankind, because we humans are just being the way we exist.

Let me explain: Do you say this elephant or all elephants are evil because some mothers abandon their child after giving birth to them? Of course you don't, they are just animals, they do what they do. They don't think. They just act the way they were born with.
Do you say pelicans are good, because they rip out their own flesh to feed their off springs? As much as we are prone to apply human (actually non-existent) features to their behaviour, we actually can't. The pelican isn't good, or bad. It is just behaving according to it's life (call it instinct or genes if you like to).

And haven't we all agreed on the fact that humans are animals, too?
Yes, I know we reflect on our deeds, we decide on what to do and what to leave well alone, but are we really doing those things against our nature? Or are we not just also acting according to our instincts?

I say we humans, as well as all the other animals, are not free enough, to act on our own will.
When some perverted murderer decides to play a game or a man thinks of a poor woman who is willing to give away her little everything, are they actually pushing the boundaries of human capacities?
Or isn't whatever a human does part of humanity as well?

We can't act beyond our possibilities, everything we do, however beneficial or harmful, is part of our existence.
Therefore one can't say, 'Human are the most cruel creatures of them all, because we kill for joy' or compare us to demons, 'See we are worse than akumas. That is how humans are.' as much as we can't pit animal behaviour patterns against our own thinking. Animals are just what they are, we cannot say god or bad, and humans (as animals) are also what we are. Neither this nor that.


I'm sick of animes or mangakas trying to provoke or be especially modern/ rebellious by coming up with such an obvious and lame message. There are just too many....



One last thing about Ciel.
I totally understand his wish to take revenge for what happened to him and as a kid I was also convinced that I'd personally slaughter anybody who'd kill my family.
And although it's quite abnormal for a such person to do so, we are in anime land, so it's ok.
BUT I find his arrogant behaviour really annoying. I comprehend a certain degree as a necessary feature to follow through with his vengeance, and that even a little more arrogance is necessary to make the character likeable/ provokable enough to be in a manga, but he is even more and that's just impossible!!!

He is far too self-absorbed to be published, especially for his age (or maybe he is like that just because of his age...)

Although his revenge is his sole purpose in life, I can't see why this allows him to put others in the same or even worse misery he has been myself.
If your revenge would turn you into a worse person than your wrongdoers than you absolutely have to back off.

In his great wish to avenge the death of his parents and his own fate Ciel's doesn't care about the amount of corpses that pave his way to his goal and as long as those corpses belong to 'bad' persons I don't care. But how dare he even murdering good people?
He is so wrong.. So wrong..... .____________________.



飽くまで人間ですから
Chu, Ailing

I have kind of a new obsession (not that new since it developed over the years, but yeah... 'new').
If anyone waited for the sequel of the previous blog post... Sorry.
I just can't be arsed to blog about it, because it's too long. And thus too annoying to try to think about which parts should be left out.



So my newest obsession is... treating my body well.
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ That's sounds wrong.

But anyway...

I guess for most of us we don't naturally grow up treating our bodies well.
I mean, we mostly grow up with very functioning bodies that do everything we went without getting tired so why should we worry?

Only through the years does our body become stupid. Stupid as in... crooked teeth? Neurodermatitis? Pimples? Cellulite? Obesity? 10000s of problems...


Of course none of these kill us and we grew up not giving a fuck so we bear with all these.


Well, not anymore.
At least me.



Thanks to my mother who forced me to get my teeth fixed. The 2nd time.
Only afterwards did I acquire the hatred for my less-perfect-before-teeth so that now I can appreciate more-perfect-after-teeth.
Same story with my complexion. Ok it got really worse and I'd have probably gone to see a doctor on my own, but now that it's much much better again I am so grateful in hindsight and wouldn't want to live with all those pimples from my past.

It is funny how present problems don't seem to suck as much. But when you later look back at them or see people who are having the same troubles but are equally indifferent towards them as you used to be you can't understand their behaviour for the life of you.
I think that's a good example for human haughtiness... (but that's another point).



Anyway so these two things then finally showed me that I should tackle everything that I now feel slightly irritate me, because I will only know how much better it feels afterwards.


Right now I'm getting 3 warts removed (oh just stop reading you haha).
I've had them for years. I don't know how many. On the sole of my feet.

Now they don't hurt (yet), but they always made me feel so conscious about my feet when everyone else has tender baby feet.

And btw plantar warts can be really dangerous when they grow deep enough to reach your bones you probably won't ever get rid of them and it will hurt like mad.
But you can try to cut them out which will cause you to loose a shitload of blood, die half-a-very-painful-dead and have them come back, more painful than ever.
Luckily mine don't seem that deep yet. I tried to freeze them once, but it didn't work.
So I went to get it done professionally.

They use cold nitrogen to spray onto your wart and it's somewhat painful after all.
In the beginning it's just cold, after a few seconds you feel a sharp stinging pain like needles would poke into your feet.
Luckily the treatment only lasts half a minute or so and soon after that it's ok-ish to walk again.


Now, I'm just hoping for the darn things to fall off.....



But then my feet also have some calluses which I want to get rid off.
I blame my too small feet compared to my body height for causing those. And my parents for making me walk to school for a week when I was younger (during that week I got those calluses, I remember til now). Oh and maybe dancing... ㅋㅋ



What I'm saying is, if there's anything about your body which bothers you in the slightest, do something about it.
Remove that mole, cut out that weir bump right above your eye.. Whatever. Do it.
And thank me later ㅋ


Chu, Ailing

傻笑 - Jay Chou ft Cindy Yen

Out of a unusual feeling of responsibility towards myself and following the example of Xiaxue
who really uncompromisingly blogged about EVERYTHING back then, regardless whom she might harm or not - including herself -
I think I should really blog about the following happenings.


I think later on (when I'm old and bitter) these will be my the memories of my youth, when I was young and reckless Hahaha.



But before I start, some other stories, whose relation to the main story I leave to your imagination.
I would say that I am a person who without making a big fuss always thinks what she says.
I don't appreciate nor make use of ambiguity or say things that I don't mean like that.

Of course there are exceptions, when I'm around friends I am not constantly playing diplomat and also I don't say everything I think (which should be normal), but mostly I'm for one quite aware of what I say and also, when I say something I mean it exactly like that.
I don't see why people should complicate things by saying things without meaning them, it would be better to say nothing at all.


It is funny how I don't fear being judged at all. I don't mind if people say I'm a bitch, ugly, lazy, hate my roots, or whatever. I don't care.
Or better, I either really couldn't care less or know it better.

That's why concerning this topic, it is really astonishing how I absolutely fear to be judged.
I feel so vulnerable (?)
And I might ending up blogging about something else at first, so we'll see !^^




Ok I have decided to blog about this something else first, because if I do it the other way round it might seem weird.

DISCLAIMER The following contents is written by a person who hasn't been in a relationship before and doesn't even intend to be in any relationship any time soon.
I don't give a fuck (in the true meaning of the word).
So these are just thoughts of a naive, clueless girl who doesn't know better. I don't judge. LOL


I want to write about clingers/ jealous rls partners.

Somehow being together with a clinger speaks against everything that I believe in: - that one should trust and believe in one another in a relationship
- that one cherishes and respects each other's individual personality
- that without those a relationship cannot work
- that people also have a responsibility towards themselves, that they should love themselves, too, at all times, so they would realize when something just 'kills' them on the inside
- that they should always look realistically at things, so they know when something has no future and it's time to move on

Yes, I am indirectly saying that one should break up with a clinger or terribly jealous rls partner asap and I am aware of the fact that I sound like cold-hearted bitch.
Well, I am a cold-hearted bitch, but I also don't know any better (remember?)


I understand that being together with a person for a long time creates more bonds than just love, you have the fear of being alone, the feeling of being used to stay in a rls/ with that person, some hope that things might change, a certain indifference or a growing thick skin towards such accustomed flaws, convenience.


I understand that these things exist, I don't understand that those things could make a person choosing to stay in what is certainly called a poisonous relationship. (forgive me!)



It might be because I have been in a poisonous relationship as well (remember I said I have never been in a relationship so it must be that) I talk about friendship here.

I was friends with a girl in middle school. I guess it started somewhat normally, but the longer we were friends the more dominant the girl became. She didn't force me to do things for her, not really.
Except that I had to join her to the toilet every time or wait for her to pick her up to school or things like that.
Or one time I had to get off the train, but she lived a few stops further so she half-jokingly, half-seriously hindered me (and a granny behind me) to get off. Not only was I super angry with her when I missed my stop, the granny started to scold us somemore!
Also she used to always complain to me about things that had nothing to do with me. Like the weather.
And I had to kinda justify the heavens for her.


I have seen a few rls like this. Between other girls when I'm on the train. Or one of my friend's friend was also like this. She needed a 'submissive' partner, whom she could boss around.


Anw, one day after sports when this friend had upset me once again by trying to make me stay longer, I finally found that I had enough.
The next day I didn't pick her up for school and our close friendship was over. We were still friends, since we were in the same group of friends, only luckily I wasn't her best buddy anymore.



When I think back, I'm really glad that I managed to free myself from her.
Poisonous relationship are really weird. Actually this person is your friend, but when you think about it, can this really be a friend when the time you spend together actually sucks out-and-out and you just didn't realize it?

I know that I read an article about poisonous rls back then, but can't remember if that was before or after our friendship ended.
Nevertheless I am forever grateful to this eye-opening article, as it showed me how twisted life can be.
And how important it is to be aware of oneself.


Hearing from other poisonous rls I know how they can absolutely destroy you, exhaust you to the core or make you feel miserable about your whole existence.


It is then your job to firstly realize that you are not feeling good (which isn't always as easy as it sounds), finding the reason (your friend, lover, mother, son, coach, colleague, teacher, dog?, idk) and eliminating it.
I think the article talked about braking up with this person, but I guess trying to talk some sense into them is also a start.
Only that I fear that it required some professional help to cure these persons.



On to clingers. My view on clingers isn't quite normal I must say.
This is attributed to a certain dark incident during my early dumb teen years, which I wish I could eliminate out of history.
This person wasn't exactly a clinger. He was just disgustingly 'ready-to-admire'. In the beginning I didn't mind, but after a short time I was so friggin' sick of his compliments, I couldn't stand it any more.
And to this date I detest those clingy sort of people who stick around your ass to pave your path with cotton candy.

So clingers are really my personal turn-off.

I could never be around someone who literally needs to compliment me around the clock (I'm allergic to compliments anw).
This would be a poisonous relationship for me.



On to the jealous peeps. I have never really engaged with jealous people.
Ok I have always been friends with 2 other girls, who were fighting about with whom I should stay when, but that's at least reasonable.
But jealous people are jealous because of fuck.

I think for outsiders it is hard to understand why people stay with jealous rls partners, especially because their behaviour resembles that of a maniac so strikingly.


A funny anecdote: My friend had these friends who were in a rls. The girls was super jealous, the guy pissed. It was somehow long-distance somemore.
One day when the guy came visiting, they had a fight or so. The guy gave the girl a reason to feel very jealous and gloomy.
My brilliant friend issued an ultimatum to the guy: If you can't stand it anymore then brake up with her! Don't let her suffer like this!!!
The guy? Broke up that instant hahahaha


Ok is it the cold-hearted bitch that laughs about this? Anyway, that girl was then super depressive. Really super depressive, as in failed class and started to do sports like crazy.


Which brings me to the point that she was weak.
Maybe the reason why I can't stand clingers (and certainly jealous people) is that they are weak.
I hate weak people.
Weak people can't love themselves. What is a person who can't even take care of himself?



This concludes my very insightful excursion about relationships.
Chu, Ailing

Summertime Sadness - Daniela Andrade & Gia Margaret

It is funny, disappointing, annoying, astonishing how things you learn at school do influence you after all.
For example, we talked about addictions and/ or mental illnesses during middle school. Everyone had to pair with someone and prepare a presentation about a certain illness for the whole class. I covered anorexia, bulimia and adiposity.
And now I'm generally very interested in (and also fascinated by) eating disorders. But I think it's also because I want to be very skinny.

Another point is that I once interned at a hospital at (in?) the ward for internal medicine. In particular we had many patients who had problems with their alimentary canal. And oh wonder, you could say that it's the most interesting topic concerning medicine for me now.
Although it is very disgusting (digestion!) - I saw a 200kg guy who had a gigantic hole in the middle of his ass idk what they did there but you could fit two fists in that hole, I've seen people with full stomata (that's an artificial anus, i.e. a plastic bag where your shit is collected instead) dropping out of the hole of their bellies or my cousin told me she saw people throwing up their own shit, hands down possibly the most disgusting aspect of medicine on living(!) humans - I still like it the most (ok that might be exaggerated).


So y'all should be careful about what you learn, you might like it later on~



More funny things! My relationship with food! Funny how it can change so fast and so extreme!
On certain days I be like, 'what does it even matter? hand me that mayonnaise bro, we gon eat like no tomorrow' and on other days, 'omgwtf this glass of water I just drank! Just this feeling of fullness already makes me sick. Fuck this bad conscience although I know that it has 0 cal! What should I do?! I will never lose weight!!'.

Now someone explain that. I wish I was more often on that water is evil- side, but it isn't granted me.
At least this speaks volumes about human psyche; we are all fragile. And it shows how easy it actually is to develop an eating disorder (not for me though, I'm still going strong ww x).
Anyway, when I first gathered some information about this topic and probably it's the same thing for most of you, too - we think it's impossible for us to stick a toothbrush down our throat or to be disgusted by the 'bloating' of a glass of water. But now I could say that these opinions change to the exact opposite from one day to an other just like that.

What I want to say is, most of our judging is based on comparisons with recent standards. We adjust our standards to current circumstances and rarely pit our deeds or thoughts against higher ideals. Examples? People who grow up in a normal environment and were friends with us now rob helpless old grannies in order to get themselves and their friends enough money to buy drugs. We used to hate smokers, but now that everyone we know kinda smokes it isn't all that bad... And so on.

We don't (always) think, 'this is the most reputable of all things, I want to be like that', but we think 'I want to be better/as good as/ only a bit worse than standard'. And if that changes our thinking changes with them.
Of course some things don't change (that easily), like killing someone. Most of us will still flinch from doing so even if suddenly a civil war wear to break out where we live. But for some, this process is happening (faster). And that is because 'everyone is doing it, so it is normal/only a bit worse if I do it, too.'
This is also how some explain why so many Germans suddenly became cruel murderers during WWII and even killed children without hesitating.
In the beginning we think it's very cruel and absolutely wrong, but then we don't think about it that often anymore, because we already have thought of everything that could be thought of this subject. And then after a while, it's the most normal thing ever. Another way is that we think about it all the time and it becomes completely normal for us because it had been in our head all the time.
Very much the same as why we don't find looking out of the window during train journeys as interesting as when we were kids anymore. All things are relative.

Well, I just wanted to share this with you, because I think many people are too sure of everything, but the reality is 'All that is certain is that nothing is certain. Not even this.'.




Chu, Ailing x x x

Night and Day - 휘성

Is there anything about my life that I currently don't despise? /points at layout But that's not the point. The last couple of days I have found myself involuntarily undergoing an eye-opening cold turkey: My mother has again managed to break my phone (this makes the ratio of the amount of phones I owned to the phones my mother broke 2:2). Well it is still very usable, except for the unattractive crack on the upper right corner.
Distressed I brought my phone to be repaired, only to learn that I could as well by a new one with the costs.

Nevertheless the days without my 2nd half proved to be so enlightening and medicative in a way. I have heard from people who got their phones stolen how absolutely hamstrung they felt and that it was impossible to live like a monk in the dark age. Well, 1 or 2 stories I can tell that turned out more or less disastrous without my little sidekick (missing my dinner date, but luckily meeting at the right restaurant 1,5h(!) after each other or generally being unable to check my ever changing timetable and schedule like I'm used to), but all in all it was just so liberating!!

Not constantly hanging on the phone, checking pinterest, instagram, twitter, pinterest,... or playing some (then turning out to be absolutely dumb) games (yes, 2048) before finally going to sleep or while waiting for anything and everything sounds daunting while you still do it, but is perfectly okay (that's understated it's heaven!! ww) once you eventually deny. I'm glad for my cold turkey and now vow reform!
Not that I totally do check for SNS updates now that I have it back. But I will have it under control! No brainwash, no more. And hopefully to boosted productivity!


With snacks and pictures instead of studying!
Chu, Ailing

Wind - 明星

sry for the lack of posts the past few days... I didn't feel like blogging because I had binge days on end~
It started with last Sunday I think. I don't even dare to do my food diaries ww
But what I had on that day includes: yakisoba, curry, sake, ice cream, sandwich, MC baguette, sprite. Think that's it.

Well that alone wouldn't be so bad because I had major diarrhea the day after and EVERYTHING came out at 6am.
I then had late breakfast, went to the gym (!) and after that my whole breakfast came out again www
(the interesting thing is that I looked down the toilet bowl and it looked like I shit a bunch of flowers and grass plants HAHAHAHA sry for being gross)

That evening I had instant noodle soup, a sandwich and ice cream.

And so the days went by, today is Wednesday and I had a half-foot already~ Long time no sub, I love subway! Always reminds me of New York, where I had subs almost every day!!!

Anyway the Sunday I was talking about was completely crazy!
Namakemono-san and I started the day together. We saw a very impressive butoh dance, ate and bought a lot in between shows and on the afternoon wanted to go MC. Turns out there was no MC in this town... Seriously no MC.
It wasn't a small town. It was a bigger normal town.
So we hoped onto the train (again) went back to our town, bought MC, ate on the train like some swines (w) and came back again for the evening performance. We ended up walking through a friggin storm~
It was one of those fun and chaotic days you enjoy with friends.

What do you guys do when you sit on trains, busses, cars?
I once read an article about people unlearning to wait. The author described how noone can deal with idleness anymore. Everyone needs their smartphone, music or newspaper to keep oneself entertained.
Noone can entertain themselves with their thoughts.

I immediately agreed. Yet I find myself stacking up on Star Trek eps, a Vogue and a book before I hopped on the train earlier.
And let's not forget I also have a smartphone and MUST listen to music ALWAYS when I'm leaving the house.
I even brought stuffs to study.

Just the thought of boring myself through this trip terrified me.
Did I also dread the thoughts that might came up when I'm left with nothing but my own mind to entertain me? I don't know~

Right now I still have +half an hour to kill.
And I don't know what to do ww

But that's not really just the fault of our technical development.
Our whole society condemns waiting, we are all trained to make some from of progress every minute. That's why toddlers start to learn foreign languages and 15 year old school-leavers must never ever spend a month doing anything but studies or internships (or work and travel if you insist).
Not only that, people are constantly told to work for their dreams NOW, lose weight now, start a new hobby now, fulfil your greatest wish now....

I thought so too.
There's a line in a Naruto ending that I really love and it's more or less my life motto

Waiting is wasting for people like me

It implies that cool people don't hang around wasting their precious time like losers when they could rule the world. I can't say this whole philosophy is wrong of course.


But what I also think is that, by waiting and being forced to self-reflect we recognize and gain a lot of things.
And a lot is lost by our idea that waiting is such a waste.

That is why I think we should not hate those filler times so much and use them in a wise way instead. Embrace everything w

Do you guys like the Vogue?
I quite like it, but I find I don't really read the articles. Most of the interviewee don't interest me, even if generally I try to learn more about other persons.
I enjoy reading lifestyle things more~

Even the fashion part is boring to me. Instead of bringing stuffs about trends the Vogue follows more or a personal theme.
I don't condemn that in general, it's more that sometimes the themes are not really meeting my taste. Whereas trends would still be interesting or maybe useful to read as at least they are news.

That's why I think it's a waste of money to buy the Vogue (for me).
I should read all the interviews to give my purchase some meaning, but I really don't care about the interviewees~
If only they had more general articles~

Yes, this is what I wanted to talk about I think~
Shall now try to find an occupation ww

A few days later
Let's just say, I never stopped binging w
Because I think when you play you should play for real and if not then not.
I had an enjoyable time, meet A., did a rainy shooting and ate a lots of sweets. Which A. de bf bought ww

But now I must stop binging or I'll never lose weight. I bought some wonderful trainers today and can't wait to continue gymming!!

I want to buy a cheap bike, too~ There're only 3 bus stops from my place to the gym so I feel a bit stupid to drive there. That's why I'm looking for a cheap fixie to get me there in a sporty way w #nikeshoes

Ok I'm tired again. Bye.

By the way this Naruto ending is pure wisdom. Check this out.

Cultivate your hunger, before you idealise.
Motivate your anger, to make them all realise.
Climbing the mountain, never coming down.
Break into the contents, never falling down.
My knee is still shaking like I was twelve,
Sneakin' out the classroom, by the back door.
A man railed at me twice, though but I didn't care.
Waiting is wasting, for people like me.

Don't try to live so wise,
Don't cry 'Cause your so right.
Don't dry, with fakes or fears,
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end.

You say dreams are dreams.
I ain't gonna play the fool anymore.
You say cause I still got my soul,
Take your time baby.
The road needs slowin' down.
Reach yourself, before you gloom.
Reflections of fear make shadows of nothing.


You still are blind if you see winding road,
'Cause there's always a straight way to the point you see.

Don't try to live so wise,
Don't cry 'Cause your so right.
Don't dry, with fakes or fears,

'Cause you will hate yourself in the end.
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end.
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end.
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end.

200% - Akdong Musician

I feel very inspired reading Xiaxue's super old blog posts.
So funny, honest, weird and dedicated... She used to blog almost every day!!

Also I like how carefree she was, had only typical teenager problems with guys, ex-boyfriends, their new girlfriends, etc! I feel like my thoughts make me age too much!!
I should dump all that shit and pretend like I don't have a brain!!


I also want to blog more often, if not daily. Today I want to blog about friend-zone, but now I study first!!
Unfortunately I also don't play as often as she did, so no dramatic things to tell Haha



Today is really hot day for April, some people dress like August already! When driving to school an old, disgusting man entered the bus who obviously had obsessional neurosis!
He touched some part above the door of bus, put his yukky cap on top of every ticket-punch-machine and had to touch every of those hanging things people use to hold on to while driving. He even double touch some in case he has missed it.
A woman moved away from the seat he put his back on, so he had to go back and put his bag near other people ?!

There are so many absurd psychic diseases out there, I don't know which is the dumbest.
Maybe borderline syndrome people la! If my kid would cut itself I'd bitch slap it until it cut out of the crap,
'You think nobody love you is it? I work full time to give you food and afford your school I dunch love you is it? You don't love yourself, expect whom to love you ha?'




Anyway ever since my roommate has this friendship thing going on with this guy, hereby the Fred, I have been thinking about
BEING FRIEND-ZONED
Everyone pities friend-zoned guys and whenever one of them speaks up to their crush they are celebrated as heroes.

But not all of them deserve it!!


I think there are two kind of friend-zoned dudes:

1 The Unofficial

He loves a girl dearly but she doesn't give a fuck about his feelings and only abuses him whenever she wants to.

• free dinner
• free concert tickets
• free homework
• free sex
• free everything

At the same time she raises his hopes whenever she contacts him. This guy is only unofficially friend-zoned.
While both parties likely know that they will never date, she won't clearly rebuff him. So the head-over-heals-in-love guy still fantasizes about chances.

2 The Official

This guy is just an idiot. As the name suggests, this guy knows it, yet he continues to

• offer her rides
• invites her to dinner
• invites her to concerts
• etc.

Things that this guy hears is oh, you are so nice, you should start to ask X out, I think she likes you, etc.
Or some other retarded stuff happen like you get to hang out with her only to help prepare a party to which she expects her crush and can't stop raving about him.* What the fuck?
Cannot be more unambiguously, right?

What I mean is that generally every kind of friend-zoned guy is pitied by society, but not all deserve it!!
The officially friend-zoned guy is just a lunatic derp who has no pride!!

When a girl says NO you should just move on, but not let her use you and then complain about it on the internet ok? At least if you have a bit of self-esteem.
I know you should fight for a girl, but the friend-zone is not feared for nothing. Once a girl put you into it chances that you ever emerge as a potential boyfriend are close to -200% !!
Especially if you start to do all kind of favours for her you turn to a sort of loser servant in her eyes. Which girls want to date a loser?! A boot-licking pathetic idiot is completely worthless!!
For your own sake just move on!



Well, Fred belongs to type 2 and I honestly don't see any reasons for him or his fellow sufferer continue with their hopeless advances.
It must be that love makes blind... I'd send him flying long time liao, because I can't stand pathetic behaviour, but my roommate (amongst other things) finds him useful (which he is)...
And all I can think is IT'S YOUR OWN FRIGGIN' FAULT!!

If he finds out will he be hurt? Probably. Will he maybe despise her? Probably.
Are those feelings justified? Well, no?!

Who made himself a ridiculous slave? It's that he and the officially friend-zoned offer their services and then the girls start to make use of that convenience. Expects nothing in return - gets nothing in return Cannot blame the girls right? You have been warned, you decided to stay... And no fucks were given.

Even unofficially friend-zoned ones should be bright enough to recognize a defeat. All the more because they are being shamelessly exploited.




Ah, that's all. Personally I don't like the idea of friend-zoned persons. I would turn that person down and never ask to meet again. I also don't understand how anyone can be so heartless and inconsiderate to continue to see that person, although they know that person is desperate and probably harbours illusions of a date all the time. Plus there's my disgust for their lacking self-respect!

Anyway, I said Fred left that day without saying goodbye, which he usually does (must be nice to crush's friend right?), so I think he/ they got it. I wonder if/ when he will visit again, or if he doesn't have the guts... I wouldn't give two flying fucks if I never see him again.

Edit: In fact my frn tell me how she told him that she googled her ex and Fred said he was disappointed.
My friend totally don't understand what he mean, he then explain(!) since the two of them are chatting(!) it was disappointing that she google her ex/ thinks about him !!!

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
You see what I mean? So so disgustingly pathetic and bananas! And my friend even repeatedly say she don't want boyfriend, dream of tall(!), ikemen(!), Japanese(!) guy !! (hint: Fred is neither!!)

Chu, Ailing

술 - Fly To The Sky

What I honestly admire about others is their ability to judge food. For me it seems to be such an impossible task as to distinguish the whisper of trees. That is to say, I almost like every kind of food and if I didn't like it, I wouldn't notice it until someone looks into my eyes and slowly says, 'the - noodles - are - still - uncooked' - '...now that you say it....'
I find that pretty sad, but with some things I'm kinda unobservative. Still, I don't lack personal eating preferences, it's quite the contrary. I somehow have a quite unusual taste: I hate egg yolk, grilled meat, chocolate, pork - and I know the flavor 'earth' and 'carpet'. (My favorite fast food are fries and cheesburger though...)

So, I think having so delicate a tongue is quite impressive, but at the same time, it's seems to be such a mainstream, act-sophisticated behaviour. The internet is flooded with food pics and everywhere people claim about the salad being not tender enough or having found a place where the noodles are even more juicy than place B (sth like that ㅋㅋ). It is in my oppinion weird that out of all things that people have achieved in industrial countries, a strongly refined perception of food is so popular and admireable and in fact viewn as a trait of higher life. One would think that further cultivated people prefer concentrating on other things to something as materialistic as food. It doesn't seem too different from a Stone Age savage getting ecstatic over an unkown species of slimy mushrooms.

Why don't we all get horny over big breasted women and well-hung men as well? With that said, who wants see an ikemen pic I shot of one of the oppas?
I have another one with full face, but I don't really like to reveal identities on this blog, so... maybe if someone desperately needs to see it.



Chu, Ailing

P/S I do like food pics nevertheless

Little April Showers - Bambi OST

Just bought a bunch of flowers in a dimly lit, damp little flower shop, with leaves, twigs and other bouquet trash on the floor - just purrfect jungle atmosphere - when suddenly I was seized by this rare adventurous euphoria-waves and thought about becoming a florist. It is actually such a beautiful job, you are always surrounded by wonderful blossoms in all hues and can create fantastic master pieces which make people happy!

Some bucks lighter: Since when do I like flowers wtf? I remember hating them all my life, because they smell. I remember my mother calling me not a girl because I complained about the stench of her geraniums (and flowers in general). I remember how she told me that I should find a man who would buy me flowers everyday, because she knows of such a couple, and I was thinking, '...'. I remember my aunt's disbelief when she heard that I never visited any ikebana course.

I guess it's once again my age (and/ or Shini). And maybe the fact that it was spring and now it's winter again (winter à knee-deep snow and blinding blizzards and polar bears).

My favourite flowers are hydrangeas. Actually I only started to like them, because it's my aunt's name. Then I found them to be Japan's No. 1 rainy season flower and they aren't ugly either. So, that adds up to love. What are you favourite flowers?

I hate cherry blossoms btw

During pre-spring we have this booklet filled with hundreds of plants and actually there are really so many amazing ones, that you end up loving every blooming thing out there (personally I also like peonies and tulips). Only my parents are very boring so they'd never order the crazy ones.

Stash from Japan and Korea

The memo pad + pencil set is from ECO Bridge (they ship worldwide) a super awesome green brand from Korea. From my last post you could think that my relationship with mother nature is a bit indifferent, but I must disappoint you: I care more about pandas than you do. But I also hate insects more than you ever could

The idea behind ECO Bridge is creating a bridge between humans and nature through their eco-friendly small things in life products. I am a big fan of step-by-step approaches so of course I'm willing to at least implement some environment-friendly stash into my daily necessities. Also Koreans just have drop-dead-amazing pseudo useful stationary!

The other things are pressies (or what's left of them) from Cy who recently visited the kareshi in Jap.


In case you noticed, one of my trademark personal trait is that I can't do any aligned thing, ranging from cutting, to drawing lines with a ruler to placing things to photograph.

À propos, flowers. In relation to recent International Women's Day and all the hype about it in Asia which is now slowly and insidiously conquering the Western worlds: I'm disgusted.
I hate the shallow and simple-minded way that women are supposed to be treated on this random day. I wouldn't give two flying fucks about any sort of present I'd get and if anyone dared to give me flowers, I'd beat that guy up with his present, petals wildly flying through the air, which resounds from my hysterical screams. I absolutely hate how Asians just love to make every originally Western holiday big, which is only in the slightest way related to romance? or love? or anything from that affection part in the world of feelings (that Asians actually don't know anything about) without seeing any meaning behind it (Christmas?).

What is the use of getting flowers or chocolate on Valentine's Day, White Day, Black Day, Women's Day, Pepero Day, etc when you are completely unable to even imagine what respect to women might be like? Why would I as a women accept such an empty gesture? In many points, Asians are just plain stupid. And I really hope that the angmohs are keeping the niveau which so far distinguishes them so flagrantly from Asians.

Chu, Ailing

라면인건가 - 악동뮤지션

I'm so astonished that everyone here seems to complain that this is/has been the darkest winter for 60 years. People complain about missing the sun and get the winter blues.
I don't like the sun and I haven't really noticed that the sky has in fact been cloudy grey since I-can't-remember. I love gloomy weather
But that's not today's topic.


As appears from numerous fashion magazines the latest spring trend is veganism.
A bit confused about the increasing number of people who would say No to baby seal and whale ass a cheeseburger, I started to wonder: Is vegan abstinence the necessary and only consequence for... for what?
If I asked this or that (tumblr-)famous person, what would they tell me about why they started the vegan life?
I bet the trend factor was more decisive than any pig's quality of living or its personal ability to pursuit happiness.

The most idiotic comment I heard about the advantages of being vegan is that the 'skin gets so much better'. The most irritating point is not that out of all do-gooder-ish arguments, that women did not chose to say one, but dropped some shallow remark about the improvement of her complexion, but rather the fact, that there's certainly no scientific study that proves that tofu minimizes wrinkles (or the like) (don't correct me if I'm wrong). Of course, this statement's degree of convincibility is under consideration.

Everyone Is Vegan

A-list as D-list people, from blogger to self-proclaimed it-girls, everyone talks about being vegan!

What is so attractive about organic food, organic lifestyle? I think it's the appearance of being a better person. While modern technologies allows us the get in contact with other people, observe them and learn about their life, at the same time it brings into our minds how they are the same as us and thus, how insignificant we are. Mediocre, a bit ambitious, quite lazy.
People who stick out of the masses are the pretty ones, the skinny ones, but that's not enough. To be a true better person, your inside needs some beauty, too.
Inner beauty is something like having ideals, some sort of statement principle you can showcase on sleepovers (to go along with some statement pieces of course) when the gals are ordering 'pizza maltrattamento di animali'. That's the moment when you say they should order vegan-something for you. Of course should the pizza delivery be a bit behind times and have nothing to offer, which would be worthy to touch your lips, you could prove your grandeur one more time, by choosing to starve for your morals. Oh yeah~


As for real vegans and therefore back to the actual question: Is radicality the only answer?
A few years ago when you wanted to act against animal exploitation being vegetarian was as extreme and radical as anyone could go. Now comes vegan, next is fruitarian. And after that? Nutritional supplementarian?

It is right that factory farming is inappropriate for the species and that it is our greed that makes many forget that these animals are also living beings. But how does that mean that we have no rights to eat animals?
From a biological view animals eat other animals. Not all of them, but many. Among them are humans. It is in the true sense of the word in our nature. You could argue that since we are progressive enough to ensure a healthy diet without slaughtering animals, we should quit eating meat. So to say, we should change our own nature in order to save another natural occurrence (the free existence of animals). How is that logical... please?


Although being vegetarian or vegan is surely a nice way to call attention to the problems of animal farming and is more or less effective, I would say, that as just a form of nutrition or clothing behaviour it is rather un-persuasive and surely not the right solution to even not the right problem.
The problem is not owners of large farms being cruel, coldhearted or greedy.
It is in fact the insatiability of all of us, of our society. The way we evaluate and judge life and success. Strength lies in more. People who have more money, more junk are the happy ones, the successful ones. On the one hand, that means that demanding for lower prices we want to spend less. On the other hand, it means that farmers want to save money and are not willing to sacrifice it.

In a nutshell: Eating animals is not good or bad, it is us. Being shortsighted and egoistic is bad.




Super unrelated pictures:




Chu, Ailing

P/s: Actually being Saiyan is best.

L'Arlésienne Suite No. 2 - Georges Bizet

November Autumn marched into the country. Season of
stinging cold,
grey skies and barren
lands.

IOW: best month! Oh November how do I love thee, thou my birth month!



I have a theory:People love the month in which they are born best - always. And they will look down on those born in other months.


Don't tell me you just not shook your head in disbelief and thought November is a fuck of a month when you just read what I wrote! Admit!


After a while of thinking about this hypothesis, I saw myself forced to alter it a bit, taking into consideration the unhealthy majority of our population, who might be too mundane to pinpoint their favo month, so here's the improved formula:

❝People will always find sth about their birth month which is better than other months❞

I tried to confirm my theory by using my family members as tests objects (whereas only my bro was cooperative enough to join my groundbreaking research):

TO 1: February

TO 1 states that February is the best month
Just the fact that it's such an inconspicious month makes it very special
Upon my statement that November is the best month TO 1 reacted with remarks of mockery and utter pity

So my brother confirms my theory!
I have more evidence, which I can't include into my academic essay, because after this short convo, I confided my theory to him (but you should never reveal the aim of your scientific studies to your test objects, because they might - consciously or unconsciously - influence the result.
His reaction: What? Can't be!! People don't always like their birth month best! I would suicide if I were born in April or May for example! Those are months for losers! double confirm

TO 2: January

TO 2 doesn't think January is the best month, because it's too cold and bla bla

I abandoned further efforts to get more sentimental answers from this reason-controlled man who is my father.

TO 3: October

TO 3 abstained from commenting my thesis with the remark 'Stop this bull'

In order to save my life I didn't insist on an answer, but ran. Her reaction was so obvious


Although I firmly believe in the validity of my theory, I must admit that the state of evidence ist still shaky.


Personally, I disliked November when I was a little kid, thinking that being born in Summer or Spring must be much cooler and princess-like, but now I really love the tristesse and coldness of month #11.

In order to create a firmer basis for my theory, I'd like to invite everyone of you to comment on this blog post about whether you like your birth month most!
confess confess confess



Oh yeah I just found this What your birth month says about you

Apparently, I'm a unique and brilliant brain, who loves to think about everything. Therefore I'm very deep and mysterious, difficult to fathom and unpredictable. read more

Has a lot of ideas - as you just witnessed
Difficult to fathom - you bet
Thinks forward - if you say so
Unique and brilliant - check
Extraodinary ideas - in accordance with point 1
Sharp thinking - I'm awesome
Fine and strong clairvoyance - this is getting repetitive
Can become good doctors - oh noes
Careful and cautious - lame
Dynamic in personality - okay? is it a good thing?
Secretive - yes :3
Inquisitive - hmm
Knows how to dig secrets - I should work for FBI
Always thinking - often
Less talkative but amiable - often
Brave and generous - often
Patient - kind of
Stubborn and hard-hearted - yes
If there is a will, there is a way - not always
Determined - kind of
Never give up - am I friggin Naruto or how?
Hardly become angry unless provoked - kind of
Loves to be alone - I like both
Thinks differently from others - yes
Sharp-minded - yes
Motivates oneself - yeah...
Does not appreciates praises - especially not abt my looks
High-spirited - yesss
Well-built and tough - does that mean I have the body of Arnie?
Deep love and emotions - l'amour, c'est moi
Romantic - not sure, at least I hate romcoms
Uncertain in relationships - whatever that means
Homely - I guess this is good?
Hardworking - hmm
High abilities - I SHOULD work for FBI
Trustworhty - I guess that's true
Honest and keeps secrets - depends on what secrets
Not able to control emotions - I actually can
Unpredictable - yes



It's Hallowe'en season too and like every year many efforts (and oftentime fruitless ) are made to organize and host Halloween parties!
Same here Cy and I are trying to host a horror movie night, but we are very undecided about the movies to watch. But I guess The Haunting of Conneticut is quite sure. It's a semi-horror movie about a haunted house with happy end and handsome male lead!


I found a really easy recipe for a funny Halloween drink, call it Bloody Eyevy

What lychees, cherry juice, other juices or liquors
How put the lychees into the cherry juice and let them soak overnight. they will look more or less like bloodshot eye balls.
mix with other beverages until you like the taste

As always, it's really too cold for any outdoor activites (thanks god!)



Apropos, evil ghosts, malicious demons and other vengeful bad spirits
I'd like to share another of my Words of Wisdomn with you


After thinking the matter through, I came to the conclusion that supernatural beings who torture humans are stupid and idiotic

Why?

Well, first of all, there are two kind of evil spirits:

#1 The Vindictive Victims

Ghosts of murdered people, so to say (it's just no alliteration ).

Ok, I understand that it's not nice to be killed by your unfaithful husband, abusive neighbour or unloving mother , but come on - you are dead!
I always think that once you are dead you become sth like an angel right? Nearly god! And does god spend all of his time giving people a hard time? No!
Because it's a friggin unnecessary and mindless thing to do! And he has too much class and pride to take care of such childish business. And so should you!
Also you became a transcendet being already, please behave accordingly and leave earthly and lowlife feelings such as grudge, anger and hatred behind! It's so below your dignity!!

What's worse - messing with complete uninvolved persons (ie haunted buildings) is your solution? What did they effin to do you? By behaving like this you aren't better than your murderer.
Please, logical thinking is always applicable

Ok, IF you insist on people knowing the truth, then why must you scare everyone to death in order to force them to plumb the secret of your decease!
Cannot just write a note like

Hello Officer Don Kanonji,
I was killed by your colleague, Shawlong Qufang. My corpse is buried under his garage and you will find evidence of my murder here (place 1) (object 1) and here (place 2) (object 2).
In case you think this is a joke mail by an earthling, I have enclosed a lottery ticket with this evening's winning numbers - as a proof for my 'supernatural existence' and as a simple token of gratitude for your cooperation.
Any more questions? Think about them for a sec and I'll get back to you in no time.

Thank you and have a nice day Sir!
Sincerely, (your name)

P/S: Your wife is pregnant since Monday! Congrats!

P/P/S: Should you not take action after reading this (although I just presented you 23,000,000 $), I shall not guarantee that Sybille is going to give birth to a 'normal baby' (you know what I mean?)

Can't say I didn't try to be nice....

and conjure it unto the policeman's desk?


It's not damaging to the nerves and - interesting for you - much more time-efficient!
Why even bother to make a detour to layman who first have to contact the police before everything can be officialy solved - if they survive the investigation you made them conduct.

An even easier way is to just possess the murderer and make him confess! Written and orally!
I only don't know if normal dead people can possess others...


Which takes us to the other kind of evil spirits

#2 The Diabolic Demons

these are spirits which like to bring about damage because it's fun

Actually, I don't know why they do what they do, but I can't think of any other reason as fun.
Because, what did anyone ever do to them?

So, it's harder to argue with those, because they have no real reason for their actions

I can only say that it doesn't make any sense and that there certainly are other fun things to do.

Also they are mean for abusing their powers! MEAN!!!

Would you like to be treated like that? No? Then stop it! Thank you!!


So, I guess next time you encounter evil spirits or the like, just debate with them until they admit that they are wrong!!!!


Ok, that's it for today! Happy Hallowe'en!!!
Have a nice party! Collect many sweets, but don't come to my house pls!


spooky greetings,
Chu, Ailing