Monday, 19 January 2015


Yesterday I was watching a 60's (?) movie. Do you also find that people then were prettier (and more handsome)?
I think so.
I also like the fact that even kids were running around in blazers, shirts and stuff and that they were all dressed so colourful.
I wish people would still dress like that.

I am going to dress like that.

Btw I happen to check out plastic surgery for nose the other day, because - as some of you might know - getting a nose job is on my bucket list!!!
The problem I have with my nose is not that it's too small or anything! It is too friggin' big lah!

Okay, they call it bulbous nose in Korean-English and it will make you look very countryside girl like la (still better than other imperfections lah, them Koreans lah, got ugly forehead they call you Orang-Utan).
The good thing about bulbous nose surgery is, don't need implants (if I got that right). They will remove the fats from the alars to make them slimmer or also cut out fats or cartilage from your nose tip.

Which is very good!
I actually don't mind implants or plastic.. on others. No I wouldn't mind on me either, but I can't really imagine to get, say a higher nose bridge through an implant, the thought of having such a thing inside my body somehow doesn't sound good in my ears. But who knows, if I had a very flat nose, maybe I would have decided for a rhinoplasty surgery.

Friday, 16 January 2015


2 issues and one prologue

I have this new app (that isn't that amazing) which let's you mix different nature sounds to create a relaxing atmosphere.
I have always loved this kind of thing even as a kid (which makes me kinda old), nice sounds make me feel so comfortable and at ease.
I had this study software back then with a virtual environment, one of the features I always used is to set a background sound.
My stable favourite is the sound of rain of course (and everything that comes with it; lightning, wind, etc). Generally I like everything with water; ocean waves, rivers, you name it.
I also liked the sound of a busy city life very much.
For some time - during my heavy depressive phase - I could die on the sound of birds singing, but now I'm quite OK with it.

Issue 1: FASTING

So as a result of my recent musings about conscious nutrition, I decided to go on a vegan, clean eating, low-carb, detox fasting before Easter, known as Lent.

I guess it's going to be quite hard, because I don't really have the opportunity to eat clean when I'm at home with my parents. But I will try my best.

I'm going to start with goop's '7 day detox' and then doing the clean, vegan, low-carb stuff for the rest of the time with a bit of detoxing in addition.

Already I am very curious about the results and can't wait to begin. I hope to share my daily experience on instagram.


I have mentioned before, I grew up rather isolated and it's hard for me to deal with difficult social scenarios.

I'm a person of few, but strict principles. One of them is being true and open to avoid problems. For some people being too true or open can mean directly asking for problems, but I am very tolerant, and as long as I can relate to something, I forgive relatively easily. Or when that person is sincerely sorry.
I am also mostly not angry for a long time.

So how do you react when you are being wronged?
Do you just swallow it down?
Do you confront the other person with accusations and reproaches?
Do you get aggressive?
Do you stay calm, wait for a good moment and try to approach the subject diplomatically?

As for me, of course it's best when the opponent has the courage to see and admit to his faults and apologizes out of his own accord.
This would show me that the other person has a conscience, appreciates you and is trustworthy after all.

Even when you get back on a trustful relationship through your own approach, it always has the bitter smack of disappointment and doubt.

So anyway when sb has wronged me I don't like to let them get away with it, as I think it would hurt our relationship, even if ever so little.

I try to approach them creating an atmosphere of trust. Trust that they can be honest about their motives (be it that they were too lazy to pull me out of a burning car), that I will never judge them without listening to their story.

At the same time I can't be too soft - 'hey, I'm not angry, but why...' can't be the right start all the time, if it is at all. Being too soft is not only a sign of lacking self esteem, which eventually will show the wrong-doers that they can treat you the way they want, but it will leave you unsatisfied, too, because you haven't shown them how important and hurtful this issue is to you.
Plus you might force out only a half-hearted apology or worst - none at all, because the other sees no fault, when you are even not that upset. No fault, no guilt; he will just say anything to get over with it quickly or even chose to go along with your petty game and play it down to nothing.
Which is never the point. The point is to gain back trust and to integrate the happenings as a part of your relationship's story, as both parties use it to learn out of it through getting to know more about each other.

How to do that I wonder. It is very hard if you deal with an emotionally immature person (not that I'm terribly emotionally mature).

Lastly, not being able to conserve your anger over some time is quite unnerving. I have no problems about forgiving and forgetting if I know the background story and everything, but often I am too understanding.
Being a person with too many flaws myself, of course I tend to feel others better and am more ready to view things relaxed.
But then often something inside me tells me that this fault is actually a sign of lacking respect and appreciation and I can't possibly ignore it just like that.

So yeah, that's that.
I'm still no wiser than before.

Wednesday, 14 January 2015


A New Year's Post after all.
I don't know... I'm actually over New Years, the spirit doesn't move my temper not at all. Is that realistic, killjoy-y, mature, I don't know...

I do know though, that having resolutions for a new year is stupid if you think that's already half of the work. New nothing, my ass.
I have long come to realize that a year was invited by some smart people back then to organize their work - when are the salmon here?, are the buffaloes moving?, sowing seeds now?, it's going be the be warm for the next 3 moons, etc - and to save their souls - winter ghosts, day of Odin, you name it.

Now tell me what this has to do with bettering oneself? Nada.

Still, we can't go from one extreme to the other. So I have rehabilitated New Years as a trivial, but useful event to trigger the High Self.
I mean we all need a turning point, right? If NY has the potential to change who we are, then that's a good thing. I only wish we realized that the rest of the year is actually equally potent.
Well, be that as it may, here are my poor intents for the new year (apart from losing weight and growing boobies, cf last post)


I want to be more aware of what I do, what I eat, what I buy, just how the heck I am passing my time here.
I have been on this trip for some time now, but never carved it in stone. I am just too passive about life and I want to change that, because I realized that being conscious about yourself will enlighten you and help you deal with or prevent problems.
Before improvement or maintenance takes place you have to be aware of your situation first, this is where it all begins. Even if you are living a bad life, if you realize your situation it will help you understand it better and will make you feel more at ease, because you see through what is going on. And even if you chose to stay like that, because you have consciously made a decision and know the consequences.
I find this much more efficient than always groping around in the dark, never realizing that you are just floating through time and space, not more than a plaything of your environment. And efficiency is the the be-all and end-all of my life. I hate things which are not efficient and 100% purposeful, starting from the organisation of your drawer to the choice of your washing machine. Why wasting so much life?

I have been living with this kind of mindset for a long time, but haven't expanded it to all aspects of life.
So for this year I plan to find more about how I spend/ waste my time (I'm really good at that) and try to improve that. Additionally I want to relate my actions more to nature and act more ecological. I am still trying to avoid plastic, but not very successfully...
I also want to eat more consciously, which means I am trying to view low-carb as a way of life, rather than a temporary mean to lose weight.
And I want to shop less, it is getting out of hand. But maybe I have improved a bit.

In relation to that, recently I really fancy books. Not that I really want to read, but somehow, books really fascinate me.
I went to a book store and skipped through the cookbooks (everytime I diet I am hungry for recipes...), to my surprise there was no vegan book which was hipster or stylish enough. Not that I want to be vegan, I couldn't care less about animals or my physical health, but I am somehow interested in what health benefits vegans fondly hope to get. And I might try to go vegan for the Lent fasting period.

Chu, Ailing

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Pill Change

This is not a New Year's post.
Wait, it might be one.
Read, and judge for yourself.

So I might or might have not told you about my terrible illness, ok it's a syndrome - PCO syndrome.
Basically, I have too many male hormones (I did blog about this, right?)

I recently went to check with my gynaecologist again, who told me that I don't really have to do anything against it, since it doesn't really affect the quality of my life.
But I want to be on the pill ㅋㅋ
Not because I gt bf mah, but because I have massive hair loss (!!!) - lost about 1/3 of my hair liao, there used to be a time when I could hardly wrap a elastic two times around my entire hair, now can three times already!!!! - and n000 tits.

So she prescribed the pill to me, but still have to wait for quite some time till I can start.
More hair, more tits (/cough), less pimples!!!!
I only hope that I won't gain weight.

Also on a side note, it's really cool to have gfs who are practically further experienced in bf things than me.
I can be very blur and ask them all sorts of things, don't need to inform myself ㅋㅋ Or they will give me advise w/o me asking.
Also I can learn from them w/o having to experience things myself.

There's this quote by Confucius:
By three methods we may learn wisdom:
First, by reflection, which is noblest;
Second, by imitation, which is easiest;
and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
I guess I'm talking about imitation, while my gf take the 3rd way.

Ok that's already it.
I kinda mean that a new period is (hopefully) starting in my life, which is the NY's spirit.

Chu, Ailing

Tuesday, 16 December 2014


I absolutely need me a stylish system camera.
I hate to be travelling (from my house to school /cough) and not being able to take pictures of everything. Everything is beautiful! /threatens you with pink rose petals and air kisses
I can't drag my DSLR with me everywhere, plus it would look stupid.

Right now I'm driving through foggy forests and I just love the plain, austere rawness of the landscape and how the fog makes it appear so sinister. Apart from that, forests are cool, at least since hipster. No make that romanticism - basically the same by the way.

Anyway I'm as broke as a person without money can be. I have spent my last money on Christmas presents (cf this post) - oh and Black Friday - and now I'm free.
I got my younger brother a calendar with pictures from the Hubble telescope, which are pretty amazing and will add a NASA tee (ok you got me, not as broke as broke as in broke but on my way). He's the universe-nerd, so I think the present is quite good.
For my parents I got one hell of a Japanese rice cooker, the Zojirushi Micom Rice Cooker & Warmer NS-TSC18 . My mother wanted one forever, which I only remembered recently, when I went shopping for Japanese tea mugs and the rice cookers had me at 'hullo'.
My father will additionally get a book on his birthday shortly after the new year.
Then I need one for my older brother as well, I'm thinking a scarf, but need to consult with my mother.
Apart from that it's my cousin's birthday next week. What to get? I'd get him tickets for Sam Smith if I'd know his schedule.
Then got my friends but since they might read this I cannot share. Except for one who wanted a water bottle, and boy! she's lucky I dug water bottles some time ago, so I can ensure a tasteful choice (everything is beautiful - not).

So anyway I don't have any money to buy a new camera. I can only hope my mother will get one. Then I will be a very good girl and beg to lend it from her ㅠ

Topic change: I don't really know how to wrap my presents this year. Last year I had white paper with parcel twine and fir branches. And tiny chocolate santas stuck to them.
This year I have already wrapped the huge calendar (mind you, it was only the 4th) in the brown stuffing paper Amazon uses to fill their card boxes. Admittedly, the paper is absolutely rumbled, but everything is - wait for it - beautiful. And may I add, hipster.
I also brilliantly upcycled my file cards to fancy 'deck the halls'- name tags/ greeting cards.
Heck I only need a concept name for this and it's official.
No but I don't want to do the white thing again, am not ready for the black chalkboard style and don't know how to properly do the parcel style. I might add black name tags to my parcels though. Plus I have some gold, glitter paper left. Can I mash all that up to a something?

Anyway, I'm still very sad I don't have a small pro-ish camera (and a scarf and gloves), so now I will feel very sad and miserable reading the kinfolk (full of pretty images).
Blame the kinfolk for everything. Everything is beautiful.

Chu, Ailing

Thursday, 11 December 2014


That one time I mentioned I don't have a real clothing style.
Well, guess what, I don't have a specific taste in music, too.

I like nearly everything from classical music (especially romantic or contemporary pieces), good pop, good rock, K-pop, C-pop, J-trance, folk music (Indian, Chinese, South American, Celtic, etc), house, (Korean) hip hop, I don't know,...

Recently (not soo recent actually) I came to like Japanese band One Ok Rock very much (thanks to FT Island).
The pictures are from a concert of them I went to with my friend. That's very surprising, because I haven't ventured too much into the fields of rock and this band does everything from Alternative rock, to emo, pop punk, post-grunge, etc etc.
I like nearly every song of the recent album, even the one with screams in their more hardcore-ish songs!!!

Their singer Taka has a very interesting high pitched voice. I like high pitched voices when they are very controlled with precise technique.
Taka is a very good singer in that aspect (he used to be with Johnny & Associates, Inc.). But instead of talking about their music today, I want to write about another thing that really won me over: their lyrics



Gone to far
for so long
Got to find
You've been right here all along

The shape of love is the same as your heart is
It doesn't matter who you are
So tell me my heart is the same as yours is
and we hold every moment cause that's what family is for

and we hold every moment cause that's what family is for

The shape of love is the same as your heart is
Tell me my heart is the same as yours is
The shape of love is the same as your heart is
Tell me my heart is the same as yours is
That love that I casually received
was very incomprehensible
and I couldn’t honestly accept it
while I still shut something up

Gone to far
for so long
Got to find
You've been right here all along

The shape of love is the same as your heart is
It doesn’t matter who you are
So tell me my heart is the same as yours is
Even if it’s short-lived
when you’re sad, when you’re lonely
I’ll always be by your side
And we hold every moment ‘cause that’s what family is for

Whatever happens in this world
I will always love you
I will always be gently watching over you
Strongly, weakly and sometimes sternly with warmth
And we hold every moment ‘cause that’s what family is for

The shape of love is the same as your heart is
Tell me my heart is the same as yours is
The shape of love is the same as your heart is
Tell me my heart is the same as yours is
I think there exist some (Indian or Japanese saying) that goes something like A child will never understand the parents' heart.

I don't really know what Taka or the band (I believe the lyrics are self-written) is trying to say, my Japanese (and their English) is limited and for all I know, he could speaks about his bandmates or a group of friends, but for me I am interpreting the lyrics as directed to one's family.

I feel like it's about a rebellious child who is unable to accept its parents' love, because the love seems so wrong and maybe dumb in the child's eyes.
Because of that the family broke apart and the child ventured to seek love and a family elsewhere, maybe by following its dreams.
But it later came to realize that love is not always something we have defined for ourselves or imagine to be like and then seek for it.
Love is also something that exists as it is and is just given to us, or in better words love is the same as your heart is, so whatever the love of parents may look like, feel like it is always love. I like the idea of realizing that whatever the heart of parents is like - hard, soft, unable - it is the one thing that defines love and not the children, who tend to ask for this or that kind of love.
We could hate it, we could deny it, we could think it is wrong, but it is them who give this love and not the children who pull love out of the parents and received the 'wrong one'.
Eventually the speaker wishes to understand his parents more. By saying 'tell me my heart is the same as yours is' he voices the desire of having the same opinions about love as his parents, i.e. he is placing the parents views and wishes over his own.
And that is true enlightenment (in Asia).


Through all of this noise
Chasing a shadow
Why looking for answers, just leaves a question?
Behind the notes
And outside the lines
What you left behind
What I feel inside
I hear your voice...

We are your voice
We are still with you
When you can't speak, with so much to say
More than a word
More than a melody
What you left behind
What I feel inside
I hear your voice...

We're not alone
Those of you who have dealt with suicide before might have the same feelings as I have.
Taka wrote these lyrics in memoriam of the singer of Pay Money To My Pain who had been fighting with drug abuse and mental illness for some time and was found dead one day.
Though I don't think there exist an official statement that his death was not natural (be it suicide or an overdose) I find the lyrics seem to be directed to a person who has ended his life very abruptly and tragically.

And I find it very very admirable from Taka to have the strength to look at such a thing with so much love and positive feelings.
Because suicide or death due to an overdose are things which leave family and friends not only in great pain, but also with a feeling of being betrayed and punked.
Just take a look at the background story, in the case of a suicide, the people around the suicide might know or not know about an existing depression.
Let's say they didn't know at all and just overnight a person out of their circle commits suicide. Of course there is a great sadness, but also the questions, 'Why didn't he tell us that he was so sad?' And the answer that we give ourselves would most likely be 'he didn't trust us'. And no trust is betraying the love and good feelings that everyone around you gave you so happily and unknowingly.
What if everyone knew about the depression? The suicide then told someone about his problems, they talked things through, he could have gone to a psychiatrist and everything would have seemed 'clarified'. Then all of a sudden... I don't know what kind of scenario would mean a greater betrayal.
You can do the same thing with drug abuse. Only that you have more anger in there, because the person might not have even wanted to die, but just was dumb enough to take to much.

Well, these are the feelings that I would have and then I read Taka's lyrics 'what you left behind/ what I feel inside/ I hear your voice' and I just can't believe that if someone had done that - betray all my love, think that I am not (trust)worthy of knowing one's worries when they are so severe - I would still be able to believe that I really knew this person.
Knowing this person enough that I can feel his voice inside me. I would feel empty, like every idea, dialogue, plan that person has shared with me and left inside me had never existed in the first place, because he was never true to me to begin with.

But Taka goes even further, while it's already too much for me to 'interpret' this betrayal differently, he even speaks about 'fighting on' for that deceased person who couldn't do it anymore.
I find that incredibly strong. Most of us know that suicide victims have problems with something related to the 'system', but are too weak or the system is too strong to be broken. They have opinions about what is wrong and could be fixed. In 'we are your voice/ when you can't speak, with so much to say' Taka chooses to be the medium of his dead friend giving him a voice so that he would not be gone for good.
I think that is true love, that he sees the path of his friend and continues it for him, instead of others who would just give up. Unlike Taka, I think the natural reaction of most people would be a feeling of being left alone (cf last verse) so I respect him so so much for staying so positive and most of all loving, although of course his lyrics also mention the big perplexity which hits you first.

As you see their lyrics are kind of deep, but I like how they hide the heavy meaning behind such abstract and simple metaphors like in ...the same as.
If you want to know more about their music (especially Taka's singing) check out these: The Beginning (accoustic!), VOICE or Wherever you are (live accoustic), Decision.

But now, on to something funny! Okay, not really, but since One Ok Rock are friends my all time favourite band FT Island I will tell you a recent dream of mine involving FT Island (and a perverted foot fetishist molester!)

A, Cy and a 3rd friend and I were going to a FT Island concert. We arrived at the venue relatively early and went onto the stage to talk with the band member and organizer (like it's no big deal, you know...)
There were other women/ girls there, too. One was trying to diss my 3rd friend (who was my friend Mika at a certain point of time) and said, 'You are so young, did you start to smoke weed with 10?' (what she intend to say was kinda following the logic that everyone who goes to concerts smokes weed, but since my friend looked/ is so young, she must have even started at the age of 10) I retorted 'at least she doesn't need botox with 30' (playing on the fact the other girl was already so old, but looking even older in reality, because she already uses botox).

Anyway the concert started and we went off the stage, but there's was no place at the front row anymore, cuz all the other audience already arrived. Now the setting of the stage was very weird. It was like a ball pool for toddlers, the audience was at a high lever than the actual stage, and we were all lying flat on our bellies on those balls. The band was the same level as us. When Hongki (the singer) entered the stage he came jumping down from several meters at the back of the stage onto some sort of trampoline and bounced up again to land next to the band.
After all while I noticed that all audience was only 'queuing' in the centre of the stage, but there was plenty of space at both sides, I and the 3rd friend then moved next to the crowd and where also at the first row. I looked back at my other friends, but they somehow didn't dare to do it.

And now comes the disgusting part. We all lay on our bellies right? Suddenly I felt how someone was fondling my feet and sucking my toes!!! I looked back and it was a black guy grinning at me!!!
Somehow I didn't really react, but looked to my right to see if anyone would help me. Only another black guy turned towards me and grinned. FML I don't know if I let that guy continue with his perverted behaviour or he suddenly stop.

Some time later I looked up and suddenly people were leaving the concert en masse, because they found the band bad. Hongki was completely absorbed in performing one moment and realizing what happened broke up the concert the next. He just stopped looking very very angry and disgruntled, and went to walk of the stage. I was in rage, but couldn't force everyone to stay nor tell the band that the four of us were good enough as an audience.
During the concert Jonghoon handed me over a present from FT Island to their fans and he randomly picked me as the fan representative. He is my no 1 prince charming so of course I was mad happy. But then the staff and other band members gave him more parcels to give to me, which Japanese fans had sent them to give to me. Because I was always travelling it was hard for my friends to mail me presents, but because they knew I was attending the FT Island concert they resorted to such a way.
I received present after present from Jonghoon and we both were smiling and saying 'here you are' and 'thank you', but both knew that it was uber embarrassing for the other.

We went to another FT Island concert shortly after that, which went better. Yeah, apart from the fact that I we also talked to them and the organizer (whom I asked if he had also organized the previous concert, which he didn't, but all Caucasians look the same to me ), I can't remember anything.

Yeah, the dreams was pretty random, except for the black foot fetishist. Don't think it is my own preferences projected into my dream like that please.
I just had bad (direct and indirect) experience with a black guy and a foot fetishist and my brain thought it was funny to mix that all up into one dream!

Chu, Ailing