Sunday, 6 April 2014

Blogging this in my bed at 3 am on my phone while semi-watching Robocop. I was never interested in it really. Technical powers or cyborgs are not 100% my thing. I like more the real superpowers kind of things, like Superman Haha. Ok bullshit I also like Batman to death, but he is no cyborg...

But that's not the reason why I'm bothering to execute some poetry on touch screen (I still hate it, future my ass~). 

I wouldn't say that I am the most thoughtless of my kind (21st century teen).
I would even go as far as to say that I think quite a lot compared to some. Not always.
But often, for a few minutes throughout the day.
I can't say whether I think more about myself or general social things.

What I can say is I think about myself quite often. Often enough that I thought I knew everything about myself.
Basically there's not much to know, if you wanted to keep things simple: I am deep.

I thought I understood myself thoroughly, that I had analysed what can be analysed.

But such is life, the universe and everything that although you can grasp somethings and even understand somehow what you don't know yet, suddenly you learn of the existence of a new dimension, something beyond imagination that just makes clear how limited our thinking is.

I thought I knew everything about myself.
But today I realized a part about myself that I long knew about but never saw it as clear

To say that I am social cripple would be extremely exaggerated, but let's you guess what I want to hint at.

I didn't grew up around too many people and additionally never longed for much company.
My thoughts were enough entertainment for me.

That and the fact that I am very independent or strong made me a person who sort of puts herself always after others. Not in a philanthropic way.
But I observe others, react according to situations, never putting myself in the position of an individual personality.
Counselor Troy puts it into more fitting words: My own feelings are beside the point.

I really unconsciously partly saw myself as someone who existed for others.
This might sound overly dramatic but it is not meant as such. I do have a very strong personality, just that it isn't relevant at times. That I don't need to carry it through all the time.

Only just now did I realized that actually I have a social personality at all!
Which quite shocks me, I see that as a weakness. That other's deeds have meaning to me.
As I said I know me as a strong being, without flaws of that kind.

But as I am more and more entering the actual world outside my childhood I am forced to bring out some socially really meaningful behaviour to protect my interests.
Not that I haven't done so before, that I haven't been annoyed, upset or irritated by others. But never in a socially conflicting way.

Because I grew up somewhat isolated my people skills are not that greatly trained. Until now I could avoid more complicated social situations easily.
Not so now.

When earlier I discovered my interpersonal identity I was very astonished and now I'm thinking about how hard it is for me to realize it during daily affairs.

To put it simple, I don't know.
I don't know how to let others know that there doings clash with my personal opinion of how one should behave.
A sarcastic remark?
A snot-nosed answer?
A serious conversation?

I can easily put my own demands behind as I am used to, but time after time I get annoyed.

I am really not a person to let loose some double talk or any ambiguous yadda.
I don't see it as a effective way to settle conflicts, if anything it annoyed me when people resorted such means to express their anger.
But now I see it as a good way to hint at an dissent when you have not guts too directly voice them.

It is hard for me as I never did it before due to all said reasons, but I did it today.

I have ranted and bitched about this topic before on my twitter. And am not too sure if I should re-tell it here where involved persons could read it.

It is hard to have a blog.

Too put it very simply and non-dramatic, here a version without all the depth:
I can't stand the fact that this guy hangs out at our place as often and long as he does and that he eats our/ my food. (Not sure about the food part, I am not one of those jealous-eaters. Really makes me wonder, maybe because I can't stand him in general?)

So earlier they cooked at the kitchen, after my room mate tell me she'd cook for 'us' (?).
I was really annoyed later upon not being invited, by both of their audacity and when finally going to empty my bladder I dropped a casual, but quite obvious 'Well, how is it?'
Received a 'good' and then 'do you also want something' (I don't remember that people actually get invited to eat their own food...) which I ignored, because I hadn't planned to say anything else (Haha).
When I went back to my room I closed the door somewhat louder than necessary (my door closes quite loud anyway). I heard another 'you can also have something. it's still warm' which I countered with 'oh really?'.
And that's it. He left earlier than on other times at 11+ pm. Might or might not be because of my reaction. But he also didn't say goodbye...

I'm a person who hates to jump to conclusions, so I'm constantly asking myself if my reaction was justified? And if it's not should it be? And if it is, shouldn't it be?

I think the food part really wouldn't piss me off that much if it weren't for one certain incident and if he didn't came over as often. So that aside, do I have the right to be angry about someone who stays over too often and too long?
There exist no classical, stereotypical case yet, unfortunately. If he were one of those freeloader friends who permanently moves in at other people's place without returning the favour that would be something else. Everybody knows of such cases or can easily imagine how burdening that would be.

In my case the guy does ridiculous favours for my friend so it is hard to grant him a few visits... and food (will talk about that later).
But is it right of him to come to another's place like once a week, staying until 9pm, 11pm, 2am? (Note: I really want to be objective)

I know that i.e. Penny stays at Leonard and Sheldon's place very often, but either both seem to like her or at least Sheldon finds it annoying from time to time. Either case would be in my favour, case 1) well, I don't like him, so pfff and case 2) seeeee?

From his point of view, I don't think it's right to hang out at other's place as often, you could call it freeloader already. Say you often stay at a girl's place you like and try to win her heart, ok. It is still insolent, but at least you pursue a goal. In our case, my friend has officially friend-zoned him to the end of time and he has -300% of ever dating her.
So what the fuck does he want?
Except for using every opportunity to enjoy her company, which is a fuck of a reason to bother other's at the same time. I can say with a certain safeness that if he were a tactful, considerate, (self-)conscious, well-educated person he wouldn't do it.

And from the side of my friend who seems to invite him over 70% of all the time they talk? I try to understand if maybe THAT is right.
Do kids invite friends over every week? Well, yes maybe their best friends. Should they do it? No, they should go to each other's places in turn.
Every parent would start to get annoyed if other parents nonchalantly let their kids stay elsewhere all the time, eat food elsewhere, let others do the job of caring about them - without giving a proper reason, like being poor so they have to work often, having no time or opportunity to take care of their own kids, etc or if the other parents really like the foreign kids (which I think can also only be the case, if they partly pity them, due to their parents... ).
So, to conclude all those theoretical thinking, NO this guy has double no rights to come over or be invited, and anyway, we aren't freaking kids anymore who need a play partner. So, I don't see why his often residence in our house is necessary.

From an adult's point of view?
Well you shouldn't neglect your social contacts and seeing a friend once a week sounds like a scientifically determined minimum of time one should meet friends.
I don't see any general problems if my friend had her one place.
But here I am, living in the same apartment and while it is expected of me to give no fucks about whether my roommate has guests or not, since we are living in this difficult, exceptional situation, it could occur to both of them that I still feel somehow constrained with a stranger in my place so often.
I don't mean to be a crybaby, and once a week sounds not that often, but well, I might be over-sensitive or not - I AM annoyed, can't help it. And that's because I feel it's too often. I think there has been weeks were he stayed over twice, soo.....

On to the food part.
I recently found this meme on 9gag


I swear it's partly because I am Asian, but my roommate also once fed him the food my hyung cooked for me! I don't mean to be anything like nasty, but why should I spare s.o. who does wrong when he's not even reading my blog? haha

So not only that it was MY FUCKING FOOD also my hyung cooked it for me!!
How can I tell him that another person ate it? And that another person offered him to eat it? Since he - wait for it - cooked it FOR ME, at least I myself should offer it to others if anything, right? 
I was raging like mad back then.

No wonder, I am displeased if he eats our food. Not that he doesn't do it all the time, he almost never does it I think. But still, he's already out of favours with me, so whenever he eats I think, 'It is my money that you are eating and I don't remember giving you my friggin' money to eat!!!!'
So back to the story, can you actually believe that they cooked my (read partly my) food, consume it in my presence without calling me to join them?! What unheard-of crap is this?!
If she had bought it specially because she wanted to invite him over for dinner.... that is something else.

My friend told me she'd cook food for us and halfway asked me if it was ok, if she used the spinach, but I can't really determine if us were the 3 of us, the 2 of us or she and him. Also the spinach-question I don't know if meant to somehow integrate me or simply to ask if they can use up all the spinach I have a claim on (haha I know I talk friggin businesslike).

Whatever even if she wanted to make a once in a while exception of eating only with him and let me have dinner on myself, she should have said it clearer or I don't know, do you just decide it out of the blue, without letting the other person know?!

I simply cannot except their behaviour and I don't see why I should.

I normally never write about problems with persons I personally know, especially not about my roommate who is my best friend btw (and has plenty of good sides fyi), but seeing that Xiaxue did it, I think I should be honestly blogging out my concerns, too.

Having a blog IS really hard Haha

Well and now I am lying here with no dinner and I'm so not hungry only my stomach is kind of spasmodic and that's all.

In the meantime I have slept and it's past 3.30pm the next day. I am still nowhere near hungry and just want to wrap up this wordy and thus absolutely boring post!

Chu, Ailing

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