Saturday, 25 April 2015


可惜沒如果 - 林俊傑
I'm tired and I know I shouldn't be.

I have friend. Or
I don't even know if we are really friends.
We haven't spend much time together, but still - maybe this friendship means something to me?

Or actually maybe it doesn't, but it's just my personal unease.

I'm tired of wanting to help, but not knowing if I'm in any position to interfere and tired of people who play everything is fine, but simultaneously hinting that they have problems.
Like, what do you want man?

I'm so tired of these people; because not being able to voice one's true feelings is for me one of the greatest sufferings.
I'm naturally a person who likes to help others, especially with this kind of problems. I naturally want everyone around me to be happy.
So I'm really so so tired of knowing about their pains, but not being able to help.

I said I know I shouldn't be.
Maybe I'm not their friend and they don't want my help either, maybe I'm imagining all of this.
Maybe I should just straightforward force this friend to speak up. Maybe he'll be offended and wonder about what the fuck I want from them. Maybe they'll think there's more to it (How do you tell someone - who is not your future boss - that you simply like to help other people?).

I'm not stupid (at least I like to think so).
I know that this person has been avoiding me (right?). That's making it extra hard for me to approach him.
Do you know how tired I am of all these thoughts?
I'm super tired.

Maybe this person doesn't even feel like there's need for help. And I'm just overthinking shit.
I am overthinking shit. Always.

Even if he really has a problem, it's none of my business. Right, if I'm being avoided, why should I care, right?

I can't.
If it were anything else, job, debt, parents, I don't know - maybe I'd be able to ignore it, even if it affects the happiness of this person. But everything originated from one's inability to speak the truth is my personal pain.
And I can't avoid it.
I can't.

I wish for two things; that there's a way for me to help to find a solution.
Or that it's nothing.

No, maybe there's one more thing. I wish this person doesn't think of me as what-I-think-he-thinks-of-me.
Quite contrary to many people, I try my best to say what I think, or if it's impossible, to think what I say. But often it's hard to for others to believe in your words.

A part of me thinks about calling it quits.
I don't see any purpose in a relation in which the positions are so unclear or so uncertain for some. This all leads to nowhere.
What are we pretending to have?
If you don't trust me? If I have the feeling that you don't trust me? This is not a friendship. I just know you.

It's tiring me out, too.
I don't want anything of this.

ah, but this is something I caused myself. And maybe, I'm the one who has to speak up.
Maybe I just sort this out for good.
Maybe all of this is not worth half a thought I just thought.

What do I want man?

No, I'm seriously tired. I am going to watch Avengers - Age of Ultron later this night.
Gotta catch some sleep~

No comments :

Post a Comment