Thursday, 5 June 2014


大悲咒 - 黃慧音


Yet again. Is anyone sick of this? I sure am.
There are so many things I want to write about, but mostly I can't find more than 2 or 3 sentences before I run out of words to say (i.e. expressive power in general). In case you haven't guessed already: This makes it very hard to blog.
That is why I shall resign myself to jot down these few lines to enter history (world history).

I wonder if I have gotten any dumber or just am not as smart as I thought I am to begin with; I could write whole essays about waste seperation in Detroit or the reason why Pauline feels insecure about meeting her mother if that was asked in any test (and get 10 out of 10 /cough) but when it comes to anything related to this space nothing is good enough. I hate whatever writing style exists or inexists here.
Furthermore I just can't make any point, even (or maybe exactly because) if I wanted to talk about personal junk. I might have diminished for real though. I don't know what this is, but it's really disheartening.

Moreover I somehow can't even find topics. I try to view this as a personal diary. A something I (physically) had since age 8. I know what it's like to dear diary, and this isn't it. Not the right subjects, not the amount of openness, not the degree of honesty,
What could be the reason? For one I guess it's because I have too many inspirations. Writing styles that I'd like to try out for myself. It makes everything not so me (I wouldn't say fake though) and thus harder to express myself. Also, there are some aesthetic layout matters that limit my writing. Then my heart might not really be in it. No time, no passion, yes laziness.

For fuck's sake I'm not even sure if I want it. (I don't even know what I want in general) Do you see this? This is the non-art of making no point.
Ermm... yeah

I should definitely decide what I want this place to be.
I want this to be a fashion thing.
I want this to grow some dough.
I want this to be a lifestyle thing.
I want this to be me.

I reckon my most important concern is the last bit. I value individuality the most. But I have lost myself out there between amazing blogs, high standards and yeah just losing it in general.
And I shall not tolerate this no more.

Were I so self-assured I would commence following era with the infamous From now on... but everything is ever so fleeting for me at the moment. What stays is this nothing. And nothing can be really hard to endure.
So hence there are other big words of same vacuous bore I'm making do with I'm not a man of big words.

Dear Diary

How long has it been since I lastly had the leisure to write into you let alone looking myself in the eye?

Admitting weakness is something I have yet to learn and the struggle is real. Oh and procrastination. I don't know at what I'm lacking more. Not that it really mattered, both are drowning me equally.
I have been thinking a lot and coming to no conclusion recently.

What I fear most, more than failure or anything, is never making a choice. Never.
Doubt has killed more dreams
than failure ever will
Let's add procrastination in my case. Blogging, thinking, philosophizing what good comes from it. Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it. Sauté it. WHATEVER. Do it.
Sometimes I wish I'd rather be a lifeless piece of meat than undergoing all this.

I just can't, can I?
I know what to do actually. I'm adding fear and/or cravenness.

Oh almighty whoever out there (or 6D being I'm not picky) can't you just snap with your fingers and get me a life-changing kick in the butt (one of the sort that transforms me into a better human without a preceding experience)? Am I asking for too much? (Make it a lottery win then)
Oh, I end it here!

Chu, Ailing

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