Monday, 28 July 2014

Summer Problems

I Can't - 2PM
xx's blog is/was freaking amazing! I feel v inspired to also blog about whatever I have in mind.
So now at 2am I'm half lying in my bed, laptop on my belly!

And a spider had to rope down just in front of my screen. Why do insect have this fucking retarded talent of always appearing right in front of your face at the most stupid times?

Do they want to get killed so badly?

And why is it so fucking irritating to get rid of spiders and their stupid webs/ threads?
I moved my laptop to the left hoping it would take the spider with it and tear up the fucking thread it used to come down with.
Of course it didn't work. As I moved my laptop back the spider was still there trying to get up. I tried it again with no success...

Absolutely irritated I actually got up, switched on the light and searched for my still sealed ELLE to try to get rid of the spider (by flinging it away), then OF COURSE it was nowhere to be found.

FUCK INSECTS! If I could I would make them all stop existing and I fuck care for any environmental damage!!
Even butterflies can go kiss my ass..... ALL SHOULD DIE!!!

But that was not what I wanted to write about.

I know I have mentioned several times that I can't stand being complimented on.
I know many people have this kind of problem, but for me it is kind of worse than I don't know what to say/ how to react/ don't think it was meant sincere/ am not worthy.
I guess I'm really overreacting (on the inside). Recently I again realized how ridiculous and also stupid I am.
I know all of these posts (and tweets) sound like humble-bragging, but I am really not...
Well read and you will see...

A few days ago I tried on this cool coat while I was shopping with my mother.
The coat was slim fit and kinda snug so it did enhance a skinnier body, of course I am aware of the fact that it did look not bad on me (but not extraordinary good either, especially cuz the shoulders were too wide)...

So this staff member was coming along the way and exclaimed, 'WOAH!', before he could think.
Then seeing my or better my mothers reaction (as I immediately backed away) apologized, 'Sorry, I didn't say anything, but it looks really good'

My mother saved the whole situation by having some small talk about fashion with that dude while I acted like he was air.
At that moment I did not think about how my behaviour looked like for others, I actually just wanted to act like nothing happened, like I didn't notice what had happened and what's going on now while I just prayed that the guy would move on so the whole situation would be over.

Only when he left could I return to normal.
Now when I think back, I think my behaviour or attitude looked like I was being terribly arrogant to the point that I don't want to talk with small fries who can do nothing but admire me. (If you know any freakish anime character like that, I might seem exact the same...)

Kinda like 'Ahh! I know that I am amazing, tell me something new you midget'

Yes that sounds arrogant, but it's totally not the image I want to convey... but when I recap the whole scene it could only seem like that, because I couldn't have possibly not notice that dude yelling 'woah!' across the whole room and his convo with my mother who stood right next to me ('the coat looks really classy! I like this kind of fashion blabla')

The thing is I am always acting like that when confronted with praises!
I try to act like nothing happened, long for the moment the person goes back to what they did, because I wish that nothing had happened!!!

I want to be honest and not leave anything out; of course I get a boost of happiness hormones when I learn that someone find sth good/ pretty about or on me.
How can I not?

But it is purely the information that delectates me, the whole act of complimenting is such a pain, if not a torture!
I guess it's a feeling of extreme embarrassment? I don't even know during those seconds my brain totally stops working!

Which is literally what happens: There are times when I don't even hear the compliment (if it really is one) because once I realize where the statement leaving the talkers mouth is going to, my brain just shuts down. I can't think anything at all, except, 'let this be over'. And I don't hear the rest of the sentence!!
That leads to really awkward situations, because when they finish, I don't know what the person has talked about!
I can't say 'sorry? come again?', too, cuz imagine it was a friggin compliment how self-absorbed would that sound like haha

I don't remember any specific event that happened except one time, when I ended up saying 'err.. okay'

The guy and the person with him look absolutely puzzled and left.
OMG what had I done haha
BUT I couldn't say 'thank you' right? In case it wasn't a compliment, so the most neutral answer really is 'okay'.
I mean 'They weather is really nice tonight isn't it?' - 'err.. okay'
'Are you free tonight?' - 'err.. okay'
'I hate foreigners' - 'err.. okay'
'Do you know how to get to the next gas station?' - 'err.. okay'

Err.. okay it is really not the best answer hahaha I couldn't really help it, I think the one thing you can reply to anything is 'who cares' hahaha

(If you are wondering if my reaction(actually non-reaction) was correct according to my brain's weird thinking pattern or if I'm just a narcissistic bitch, thinking any stranger who approaches me must want to get a love confession off their chest, the convo started like this (at least this is what I can still remember) 'Can I tell you sth?' - 'yes?' - 'you have the most beautiful......' ... I admit I'm kind of deaf at times so maybe he said sth completely different like 'You so ugly yo mama......' Really I don't intend to humble brag haha)

Gah! I don't really want to change that, as I don't want to become one of those people who take compliments for granted, I just wish there was a way to end those situations immediately!

I wonder if there are many people who have similar problems? Let's google....

Ok, I either don't know how to google or there really isn't any more popular discussion about this sort of problem...

Anw, one last disclaimer, I don't react like that always!
When my friends praise me I can of course react accordingly and brush it down or whatever (Gosh I wish I had your hair - Do you know how much I lose when I shower? You wouldn't want to know me any longer... /no humble brag)
Or when family members praise me I will normally act cute (if we are not that close)

But even when people I just know or am just a bit friends with praise me, I will answer with a kind of fake and patronizing curt 'thank you' (or even 'okay'). Which doesn't feel honest or appreciating at all (at least for me) and thus will also disappoint the other I think).

There's really nothing relevant on google... Most people want to know if other also downplay the compliment or can't accept it because of low self-esteem and want to avoid ever meeting those persons again, because they are afraid they might fail them....
I don't have such problems at all.....

Most people who compliment me are strangers (not saying that I get compliments all the time again, no humble brag) so I probably won't meet them again anyway... And even if it is sb that I probably meet again, let's say a shop owner... I'm so sure that I won't live up to any standard I set on that 1st encounter that I couldn't care less....
And really if it's only a short 'See you again, pretty!' (argh no humble brag!) I can live with that since it's a 1 second thing and I wouldn't care about meeting them again too, since I don't care about expectations....

But let's say I had to meet that dude from the shop I bought the coat again.... I'd try to hide behind hanging rails and mannequins... Not because of the expectation mind you, but because the sole memory of that event is stressing me out ridiculously, and I wouldn't want to risk anything like that again.....

So yes I am ridiculous. And I don't know what to think of my behaviour disorder at all haha

In case you are wondering, yes that's my paw in the pictures~
Because, I didn't say that I am not narcissistic either, didn't I? Actually the colours on my nails and of the flowers were just matchy matchy...

If you can't appreciate the art because it's too self-absorbed then maybe the fact that I held the super heavy DSLR with one hand for like half an hour will win you over!
And yes the poses are all nearly the same... But it is very difficult to pose with anything so that your nails wills show haha
Oh yes, the nail colour is Essie Cute As A Button that I luckily got along with a fashion magazine that I never paid for haha.

Chu, Ailing

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