Just a quickie before I off to school!!! (OTL)
My entries get more and more self-obsessed... But that's exactly the point isn't it? (omg what's w this friggin point...)
Anw, ytd night I have been thinking about one of the many points which don't make me very feminine (aka shu nu!).
For one my annoying deep and loud voice and the many un-nice terms I knock out every two FUCK.
Then, different from my girl friends, I don't easily cry.
I actually never cry.
Who of my friends saw me cry? (Actually all, since I don't have many, but yeah... they have been with me for 10+ yrs, soo)
But how often? ONCE
(if you don't count A. who knows me as a malicious, spoiled brat who cried every day at least thrice)
But I'm talking crying about sad or scary thing?!
No, Sir, not me.
(I did tear up/ half cry during Troy and I'm still on the verge of tearing up (only!) whenever Priam goes to seek Achilles)
Here are the two occasions on which I cried publicly:
The 5 of us were staying in a dance camp at that time. (long time ago).
We actually lived in a apartment kind of place, with 3 bedrooms.
I and a friend stayed together, then well, Cy and another friend T., and one of our friend stayed alone.
Cy somehow didn't like to stay w T that one night and wanted to stay w me. So in the evening everyone kinda gathered at my room, except for T.
She was kind of angry or so and I don't remember what she did.
We talked random crap for a very long time when we noticed that T had been in the bathroom for quite a while and flushing water.
We asked her what she was doing I think, but she didn't really reply or so, just asking us to leave her alone, or said nothing... idk sth like that.
(I guess we might have been loudly whispering about what she was doing)
After more time passed and she was still in the bathroom we started to worry and asked her to come out, which she refused to do.
But she would laugh madly. Like really crazy. The crazy witches in the movies cannot quite laugh as mad as she did.
I started to panick and told everyone if they had noticed that in the last days her laughter had change, from normal to gradually getting more and more maniac. (That is true!)
The others agreed and I (being a stupid pre-teen) started to say that maybe she was changing into a witch. That in reality she was sth evil or so (siao I know, forgive me!)
The other girls also started to panic and one of us cried. We told her not to cry and that there must be sth very normal going on. After a while she calmed down.
But T was still in the bathroom acting weird. And we worried a lot.
Somehow another of us cried. We all pacified her while demanding her to come out.
Again the second friend stopped to cry and we all kinda continued with our girl's talk, while still being very confused about T.
Finally the 3rd friend cried (Note: I was nowhere near crying, though scared nonetheless. But I just don't feel any 'reason' any 'urge' to cry. Like ok, I'm scared, but cry? Far away from crying! While all my friends cried already!!).
I think we all told T. sth like, 'T. come out! We are all v scared of your behaviour! Look, Cy is crying!!' But T. wouldn't listen.
Then suddenly she jumped into out room, her face distorted, screaming!!!!
We freaked out like mad, ran out to find the older girls, yelling and trying to explain to them what happend all at the same time.
Finally our dance teacher came to find T.
She told us that T. was crying and that we should all go to bed.
We went back to our dorms. But still gathered at my room.
Now, suddenly when everything was over. I kinda break down and cry! DAFUQ?!
Very siao right? Suddenly cry cause of nothing.... Tsk.. Drama much...
The 2nd time was only recently (thus this blog entry). God, before I didn't cry in like 10 years or so!!!
So we were saying goodbye at the airport.
My friend, A was already very near crying as we drove there, telling me that she had a lump in her throat.
Ok, I felt nothing. I know I wouldn't cry, just like when you want to buy bread and why should you cry?
I know this was goodbye, that we had a wonderful time, that I will miss my friend and like them very much and yeah... facts. Like, heck facts, nothing else....
Ok, wait I felt terrible. But really ok, mentally yes, but also and more present - physical pain. Like sick and cannot breath (I have breathing problems during sensitive moments)
But hell, no crying, feel nothing near to crying.
My friend started to silently cry into her hoodie. She buried her face in it and we just knew she was crying. The others were comforting her. I felt nothing. Really.
Ok, A got a grip and she said to me, 'Ok, let's go'.
That kind of triggered it but, no! Not yet!
Someone made a joke, I half laughed half cried. I think if anyone noticed the half crying part at the moment, they must think I totally crazy already.
I had to make the laugh kinda loud and hysteric to literally laugh down the crying.
Bla bla a few minutes later she said it again 'Let's go! (and as I'm writing this I'm feeling the pain... eargh)
This time, although I wanted to silently cry like A. I totally couldn't!!
Do you know it when you start to cry you and you have no air inside your lungs (breathing problems) you have to take a deep breath otherwise you idk... suffocate?
I guess this doesn't make any sense, so I just had to breath in. But couldn't do so quietly, since I needed so much air to breath in and I had to cry haha
So finally I breathed in, it fucking sounded very dramatic I guess and then it was too late and I was sobbing my heart out hahahaha
Like I was not tearing or crying I was weeping somewhat loudly.
Until I calmed down then when we really left I burst out again. Very short only.
This makes me wonder about how easily and how often people cry.
I certainly don't cry often when sad.
I rather cry when I'm angry. When I'm angry I'm bursting out with tears any time (I actually 'cried' only a few days before cause of my very charming parents messaging me with fucking tasks while I'm on the other side of the globe. But that I can do silently!
During times when I fight often with other people I also 'cry' very often. Not because I especially sad or so, I just can't stop it.
On the other hand, I guess when people cry while fighting it is also some kind of sadness?
Sadness that the other party doesn't understand you, or doesn't want to understand you, that they treat you unfair and don't care for you at all. That you can't make them understand!
Something like that...
Oh I suddenly remember, actually I started to think about 'crying' when I watched Jessica and Krystal's reality show and Jessica said that both of them don't cry when sad, but only when angry...
Ok, that's it.
Chu, Ailing
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