不自然なガール - パフューム

I'm going to make my threat from the post before the post before (#&%$#<#$%&/) real !

This subject started to buzz around my head some months ago maybe, and took shape some days ago.




It's gonna be LOVE!
My name!




First of all, it's not really a subject I should talk about.
Everyone who knows me, knows that I'm totally hating love .

I make fun of it, don't tolerate couple's behaviour, can't understand it and boys are so uninteresting for me .

I'm laughing out of the most romantic and touching movie scenes.
(I remember yelling Come on, get yourself ran over! while watching some desperate women walking on a street , when suddenly some fast car drove towards her (some scene in The Notebook), it got me shocked and incredulous gazes from Angelababy)
Most times people react like that if I comment on any love related issues.

It's funny~


Whenever the other girls are looking forward to watch the newest love drama, I'm just kinda ruining their expectations, by naming all the unlogical facts about it.
Or saying that the guy is ugly.
Or just make Tsk

Love is ridiculous for me!

At least in movies.




Although, I don't really want to believe it, I guess that my parents attitude towards love more or less influenced my attitude towards it. (No my mother is not like Domyouji's mother LoL)

You know, having Asian parents means that you aren't allowed to have a boyfriend before you marry.
Sth like this.


I grew up, living with this rule, I was bound to live after this rule and maybe as time passes - unlike the fellow Asian kids - I had to internalize it.


This sounds like I was traumatized by my parents now, but I think it isn't like this. At least not only.



Normally, especially if you are a teenager, you absolutely want a boyfriend, so one could think that deep deep deep inside my cold heart, something, something in me wants a boyfriend and is totally against my parents' will .


ちがう!!!
So not!!!


I have tested myself often enough and thought about it:
I totally want no boyfriend!


Even if some day the hottest guy in town would (as strange as it sounds) fall in love with me and beg me to go out with him: いえ No!

Totally not!
I know he's handsome and every girl would die to go out with him, but - except that my love belongs to TVXQ - I absolutely don't want to stress myself by sticking to another human!

I have enough problems on my own!

And also where to take the time for him?
I mean I shop the web, I blog, I daydream, I got school somemore?

Too egoistic to share my life with someone as engaging as a boyfriend!
Also I feel that I love my freedom more than the idea of having such a person.

Of course TVXQ, FTI and several Japanese actors are THE exceptions.
I would marry them at once (if they'd ever ask me that is~ )


So, I can say, without having to lie to myself:
I don't want a boyfriend.



Of course, once you are really in love with someone, the whole world looks different, but that's another story!
I don't want to fall in love! (with someone normal, got a celeb crush already)





But, who knows how my future looks like!
Right now, the thought of being a virgin with 30 years, doesn't scare me.

It is of course unnormal, but if it's one's deep-hearted decision, I think it's ok.
Because, what if a woman just don't want to bind herself to someone?







I said, that it's my absolutely certain will to have no boyfriend, but I also want to say, that I decided to give up on finding one as well .

Hahas ♥. Does that sound shocking?


I said that I don't go out that often, so where should I find one? In school I think I look like a ghost mostly (because I need 5min in the bathroom every morning).

Most important, I don't have the looks.

Yes, I gave up (without remorse or the like) on finding a boyfriend, because of my looks.


We girls all start to try to improve our looks at some point of time in our lives. Including me.
Suddenly we care about hair styles, clothes, weight and make-up. (Make-up - not me)

Most girls change totally during their puberty. When looking at old pictures they look ugly sometimes, unstylish, plump, totally misshapen.

Some time after that, they have changed more or less into fashionable young women.
Most girls, I'd say, became more feminine and prettier. Their features just got mature and solid somehow as they grow up.
Developping a sense of fashion which harmonizes with their life and feelings is also a part of this.


Of course, a few girls also don't suceed in finding their own style as fast as others or never manage to.
Some still are in the period of finding themselves and expressing their personality through a matching outward appearance.


I'd say that I have more or less completed this task, but that doesn't mean that you're pretty in the end at all.

I'm not (really).


At some point of time, you come to terms with your appearance and the parts you don't like about it or you resign yourself to it.

Then, given some event, you start to dislike yourself again and think about, why you can't change e.g. your skin and again you start to try out multiple peelings, creams, make-up and food supplements, etc.

After some time you again, realize that it's impossible to change it and face up to whatever bothers you.


Going throw this circle, some eventually find out how to improve what they wanted, some truly come to terms with it and some will stay discontented for the rest of their lives.


As for me, I belong to the 3rd group.

Unless I don't get a few plastic surgeries, I think nothing can help me.


But I decided, to ignore whatever bothers me (so actually it's a mixture of 2 and 3).
It's not really worth it (and actually I don't want bf, remember?)

Along ignoring these, comes the ignoring/ giving up on boys decision.
Or better, giving up on boys is a more or less unavoidable consequence.


I'm saying more or less, because of I course I'm aware of the fact that there a enough - even handsome, rich guys (ok maybe not rich) - who don't bother about a girl's appearance, but about personal qualities and I should'nt give up now, because someday I will surely find a man who truly loves me , but fuck those.

That happens to some super ugly chick, but not to some average punter like me (PWND!)

J/K, just as if, yah?
It's kinda like believing that Jaejoong comes to marry you~

Possible, but... naaahhh~



So please, don't think that I'm desperate and just try to cover it with some logical explanation, I'm totally - as mentioned above - saying this witout having to lie to myself.


I don't have the looks, I don't want a boyfriend.


Actually, it's also my selfishness which caused this decision, because I'm really too lazy to give much about how I go to school.

As I said 5min in the bathroom every morning.
Peeing, tooth brushing, combing my hair - not even tieing it up or anything, just tooo crazy lazy.


I said that I have gone throw those two processes of hating and tolerating oneself, yes.

But I never seriously tried to improve how I look.

I have several peelings at home, which my mom uses up, I have creams, which I don't apply, because they are already 5 years old and so on.
I buy cheap make-up, because the next time I'm going to use it, it's done for anyways.

Just too goddamn lazy.







So, みんな, that's my oppinion on love.

I know it's odd, but I'm feeling comfortable with it.
It's good, that I made up my mind about this, kinda reassuring yourself and giving you the feeling that you are free (and can spit every beau right in his face!)


Whenever you meet new people and you're talking about boys, I can say,
I don't want any boyfriend lah!
No, I never got one, so what? They are all losers anyway! Tsk~

And totally feeling ベスト !!!


That's unfortunately only my imagination.
I've never talked about boys really.

And, actually people should be discreet enough to not bother others with their love life.





I don't know why I wrote this.
Partly, because I wanted to note down in cold print how I feel about this just for myself. So that I can see it, kinda.

But also to all those, hopeless ugly girls out there, who are totally desperate about finding a bf.

To show them with my example, you don't need one and actually you don't want one, lah!

Srsly, I'm not telling everyone to give up on bf, because you realize that you're ugly lah- just showing you how minimal your chances are xD


It's that, it's not bad to have no boyfriend everyone.
You don't need to force yourself into it.
That's stupid and you better realize it now.



Anyways I will write about my ideal husband some other time and maybe about personal beauty.


Chu, Ailing

I wish - May's

I somehow want my blog to be more personal
(I think, I've said that several times already~)




Like not only writing about hmm~ fashion or so.

Actually that's a stupid idea, since I just love gal fashion and it's a part of my personality, also I don't write about fashion that often





I know that in your blog you mostly write about your daily life or your oppinions.

And what could be more personal than both?



Ok, I don't often write about my daily life

Compared to other bloggers who take 50 pics of themselves a day and write stuffs like

Met up with Suyu at 10 am to have brunch and after that headed over to Aki and went to the mall to shop.
There we met Bray and fooled around at Vanilla Drop's a bit.
We also dropped by at some ice-cream parlor and had some sort of lunch.
In the evening we went to karaoke and I sang 'Balloons' and 'Wasurenaide'.
Sleeped over at Suyu's place than, because I didn't want to go back home in those pumps.

And those entries are still like 5 min of scrolling pain, because of 10 pics per phrase!





I just don't have the time and the face (ok some of them also don't have the face) to camwhore all the time.

Also take a pic where?



It's not like I hang out in town all the time to take pics of me at this or another place!



So, I can forget about the telling about my daily life concept.



As for my oppinions, I think my blog is full enough of them. (Ignorant and arrogant)




What I mean is that I think, I write too little about my feelings.

Emotion.
Dreams.
Visons.

And so on. (LOL)




It's kinda... If you have a diary or so (and a blog is a kind of diary), you tend to write mostly about your feelings, no?




But I don't.

And it has been disturbing me ever since




Everytime I try it, I just don't find the words. (I nvr srsly tried)

But still~




To cut a long story short, I think I will write more about my feelings and about stuffs which bother me (in the philosophical, not that ranting way)




Most probably the posts will be harder to understand or to read.

And I guess they will be picturess less.

In other words boring(-looking)



And comment-less? Hahas ♥.




Also, actually why should totally strange people be allowed to know about my feelings.

This question actually never rly bothered me, but due to some incidence, now I'm thinking about it.

Actually the problem is not the strange ppl, but the ppl who (think) they know me.
Actually, nobody of my readers really knows me in person (only one) the rest is online friendship/enmity or ppl in between, which still have to be won for the one or other side.


It's a problem, because especially Group 2 shouldn't know about own's emotions, right?

I wish I could ban IPs or make some posts private, but blogger is not that highly developped


Actually (OMG so many acutally's it's totally bad style!), why are those dumb ppl even reading my blog, if they hate me (or at least pretend, because they're just jealous )


It's really a dilemma.

Well, I'wll prefer ignoring it, like I've always done with problems concerning my blogders





The fact that Yuyeon dyed her hair, the fact that ALL gals dye their hair, the fact that a German girl I know has such a mysterious nice dark-brown-nearly-black hair color totally makes me want to dye my hair, too!





Why, mom, won't you let me?

The your-hair-will-be-damaged-to-no-end is no reason, because hair can cut off!



She must have sth in mind like good girls don't do sth like that.







I wonder if I should just dye it myself.

Not really myself, but with a friends help. I think, that actually I'm old enough to decide for sth like that myself.







I even think, that she might not be too angry about it, too, because somewhere deep in her mind, she knows, that it's sth I can decide for myself.



Whatever, I got my fringe/bangs back this Friday!

I think that a fringe doesn't look too good on me, but I just love fringes!



(Btw one point I hate about English is bangs or fringe, fucking decide for it stupid language!)





Maybe I'll just dye my hair with a friend someday, I mean what could they do about if after that?



Also, I just want the dark brown, ok?

Not blonde or even light brown like before.





Only a rich dark shimmering healthy-looking brown.





And curls.

I've thought about a perm often, but I they often look like some sort of explosion happened 1cm above your head. Simply terrible.





I totally need to buy an Asian curling tong, I think they are really better than Western ones.

Although, some of the Asians-got-other-hair-than-Western-people-tales are just typical Asian stereotypes.





If I can't have a gal face than at least I want gal hair!





Chu, Ailing

P/s: If you think I made to many paragraphs, I must agree with you.

Idk why I did so, but I asure you it's nth wrong, Japanese bloggers always do that (I think).