Thursday, 10 June 2010

Stop a moment. 時 を止めて.

I'm going to make my threat from the post before the post before (#&%$#<#$%&/) real !

This subject started to buzz around my head some months ago maybe, and took shape some days ago.

It's gonna be LOVE!
My name!

First of all, it's not really a subject I should talk about.
Everyone who knows me, knows that I'm totally hating love .

I make fun of it, don't tolerate couple's behaviour, can't understand it and boys are so uninteresting for me .

I'm laughing out of the most romantic and touching movie scenes.
(I remember yelling Come on, get yourself ran over! while watching some desperate women walking on a street , when suddenly some fast car drove towards her (some scene in The Notebook), it got me shocked and incredulous gazes from Angelababy)
Most times people react like that if I comment on any love related issues.

It's funny~

Whenever the other girls are looking forward to watch the newest love drama, I'm just kinda ruining their expectations, by naming all the unlogical facts about it.
Or saying that the guy is ugly.
Or just make Tsk

Love is ridiculous for me!

At least in movies.

Although, I don't really want to believe it, I guess that my parents attitude towards love more or less influenced my attitude towards it. (No my mother is not like Domyouji's mother LoL)

You know, having Asian parents means that you aren't allowed to have a boyfriend before you marry.
Sth like this.

I grew up, living with this rule, I was bound to live after this rule and maybe as time passes - unlike the fellow Asian kids - I had to internalize it.

This sounds like I was traumatized by my parents now, but I think it isn't like this. At least not only.

Normally, especially if you are a teenager, you absolutely want a boyfriend, so one could think that deep deep deep inside my cold heart, something, something in me wants a boyfriend and is totally against my parents' will .

So not!!!

I have tested myself often enough and thought about it:
I totally want no boyfriend!

Even if some day the hottest guy in town would (as strange as it sounds) fall in love with me and beg me to go out with him: いえ No!

Totally not!
I know he's handsome and every girl would die to go out with him, but - except that my love belongs to TVXQ - I absolutely don't want to stress myself by sticking to another human!

I have enough problems on my own!

And also where to take the time for him?
I mean I shop the web, I blog, I daydream, I got school somemore?

Too egoistic to share my life with someone as engaging as a boyfriend!
Also I feel that I love my freedom more than the idea of having such a person.

Of course TVXQ, FTI and several Japanese actors are THE exceptions.
I would marry them at once (if they'd ever ask me that is~ )

So, I can say, without having to lie to myself:
I don't want a boyfriend.

Of course, once you are really in love with someone, the whole world looks different, but that's another story!
I don't want to fall in love! (with someone normal, got a celeb crush already)

But, who knows how my future looks like!
Right now, the thought of being a virgin with 30 years, doesn't scare me.

It is of course unnormal, but if it's one's deep-hearted decision, I think it's ok.
Because, what if a woman just don't want to bind herself to someone?

I said, that it's my absolutely certain will to have no boyfriend, but I also want to say, that I decided to give up on finding one as well .

Hahas ♥. Does that sound shocking?

I said that I don't go out that often, so where should I find one? In school I think I look like a ghost mostly (because I need 5min in the bathroom every morning).

Most important, I don't have the looks.

Yes, I gave up (without remorse or the like) on finding a boyfriend, because of my looks.

We girls all start to try to improve our looks at some point of time in our lives. Including me.
Suddenly we care about hair styles, clothes, weight and make-up. (Make-up - not me)

Most girls change totally during their puberty. When looking at old pictures they look ugly sometimes, unstylish, plump, totally misshapen.

Some time after that, they have changed more or less into fashionable young women.
Most girls, I'd say, became more feminine and prettier. Their features just got mature and solid somehow as they grow up.
Developping a sense of fashion which harmonizes with their life and feelings is also a part of this.

Of course, a few girls also don't suceed in finding their own style as fast as others or never manage to.
Some still are in the period of finding themselves and expressing their personality through a matching outward appearance.

I'd say that I have more or less completed this task, but that doesn't mean that you're pretty in the end at all.

I'm not (really).

At some point of time, you come to terms with your appearance and the parts you don't like about it or you resign yourself to it.

Then, given some event, you start to dislike yourself again and think about, why you can't change e.g. your skin and again you start to try out multiple peelings, creams, make-up and food supplements, etc.

After some time you again, realize that it's impossible to change it and face up to whatever bothers you.

Going throw this circle, some eventually find out how to improve what they wanted, some truly come to terms with it and some will stay discontented for the rest of their lives.

As for me, I belong to the 3rd group.

Unless I don't get a few plastic surgeries, I think nothing can help me.

But I decided, to ignore whatever bothers me (so actually it's a mixture of 2 and 3).
It's not really worth it (and actually I don't want bf, remember?)

Along ignoring these, comes the ignoring/ giving up on boys decision.
Or better, giving up on boys is a more or less unavoidable consequence.

I'm saying more or less, because of I course I'm aware of the fact that there a enough - even handsome, rich guys (ok maybe not rich) - who don't bother about a girl's appearance, but about personal qualities and I should'nt give up now, because someday I will surely find a man who truly loves me , but fuck those.

That happens to some super ugly chick, but not to some average punter like me (PWND!)

J/K, just as if, yah?
It's kinda like believing that Jaejoong comes to marry you~

Possible, but... naaahhh~

So please, don't think that I'm desperate and just try to cover it with some logical explanation, I'm totally - as mentioned above - saying this witout having to lie to myself.

I don't have the looks, I don't want a boyfriend.

Actually, it's also my selfishness which caused this decision, because I'm really too lazy to give much about how I go to school.

As I said 5min in the bathroom every morning.
Peeing, tooth brushing, combing my hair - not even tieing it up or anything, just tooo crazy lazy.

I said that I have gone throw those two processes of hating and tolerating oneself, yes.

But I never seriously tried to improve how I look.

I have several peelings at home, which my mom uses up, I have creams, which I don't apply, because they are already 5 years old and so on.
I buy cheap make-up, because the next time I'm going to use it, it's done for anyways.

Just too goddamn lazy.

So, みんな, that's my oppinion on love.

I know it's odd, but I'm feeling comfortable with it.
It's good, that I made up my mind about this, kinda reassuring yourself and giving you the feeling that you are free (and can spit every beau right in his face!)

Whenever you meet new people and you're talking about boys, I can say,
I don't want any boyfriend lah!
No, I never got one, so what? They are all losers anyway! Tsk~

And totally feeling ベスト !!!

That's unfortunately only my imagination.
I've never talked about boys really.

And, actually people should be discreet enough to not bother others with their love life.

I don't know why I wrote this.
Partly, because I wanted to note down in cold print how I feel about this just for myself. So that I can see it, kinda.

But also to all those, hopeless ugly girls out there, who are totally desperate about finding a bf.

To show them with my example, you don't need one and actually you don't want one, lah!

Srsly, I'm not telling everyone to give up on bf, because you realize that you're ugly lah- just showing you how minimal your chances are xD

It's that, it's not bad to have no boyfriend everyone.
You don't need to force yourself into it.
That's stupid and you better realize it now.

Anyways I will write about my ideal husband some other time and maybe about personal beauty.

Chu, Ailing


  1. so you want a girlfriend :P

  2. were actually the same :)
    i never had one too & never planned to have one but my mom sometimes jokingly ask me if i have one already ....which just made me laugh

    i know that my mom doesnt want me to have one yet and she keeps telling me to focus on my studies .. :|

    i nevr really cared. i dont want one anyway